start of **PUT YOU TOGETHER AGAIN**
🙌 Neil was in the shower when concierge tried reaching him, but they knew Brian well enough to still allow him access. But when Brian tried the holiday-key Neil once issued him with, the key didn't fit. Shouting through the letterbox for him got no reply and panicked him a bit. Relieved to see Neil padding about (thankfully with a towel wrapped around his middle) he withdrew his fingers and pounded on the door. Neil dreaded it being the police again, yet answering to Brian felt worse. Nonetheless, he opened the door, allowing him in. Neil pointed to the percolator and told him to help himself while he jumped into slopping out clothes. Reappearing in night-wear, Brian saw a face portraying utter misery and felt the vulnerability radiate from him. Even just hearing Neil's phone's after the tone voicemail message (all of which he was ignoring) sounded like a voice from another lifetime. One of a busy, confident man genuinely sorry he could not be with you this moment.
'If I wasn't in the shower, I'd have told concierge not to let you in.' Neil scoffed, but being perfectly honest.
'You're not returning calls or messages, what else are folk to do?'
'Folk?' Neil quipped. 'As if my absence from folk in the office will be sorely missed.'
'Some of us still do care, you know.'
'Really? I doubt you'll be saying that shortly.'
'Why? What's happened now?' Brian asked warily.
He sighed. 'A whole new kick in the bollocks and no-one would have seen this one coming.'
The sordid story come pouring out, and Brian sat benumbed. The warped world he'd spun himself into just got a lot more twisted. How on earth would Neil bounce back from this one? Humility was hard enough on everyday folk, but men with such high standards couldn't take such idiocy and shame to the bar with them. Hiding away was the last thing he should be doing, but the only thing he could think of.
'How long before you return to work?' Brian needed to know his mindset. There was now more going on in his friend's head than he feared he could handle.
'Now, there's a question!' he smiled, pensively. 'Right now, I'm an invisible imbecile. You're the only one apart from the police who knows the truth, and pride's going to make sure that I don't take this any further. Ultimately, they haven't gained but I've lost more than money. Work? Last thing on my mind. Be a long while before I show up again.'
Brian thought a moment. 'I understand where you're coming from but... '
'Look,...my absence, as long or short as it may be, would be put down to the abhorrent stories of my 'goings on' with my daughter. They'll be relishing in that for months to come - that'll be tough enough - but I've got a double whammy to contend with though now, haven't I?'
'How do you mean?'
Neil lowered his and pressed his lips together briefly when seeing Brian's quizzical face. 'Wouldn't it be great to say that I wasn't a dirty old fucker? That all our denials had substance behind them and it was mere, brutal gossip? I now have the evidence to prove that it wasn't incest after all, but it doesn't make one iota of a difference.'
'Oka-a-ay...' Brian said slowly, not quite getting the gist.
'Think about it, Brian. It would feel ten times worse if the true story got out there. There's no way in this world I could live with revealing what truth outscored the biggest lies I've ever fallen for. And the papers would have a field day if they got a sniff of it. Besides, I still thought I was sleeping with my own daughter - didn't I?...Fuck! ' Neil's head fell into his hands as he sat forward in his chair, rubbing his temples with his thumbs.
'You okay?'
Neil straightened up, tilting back his head as if defying tears to fall. 'I've spend days in disbelief, in total torture wondering why I allowed this to happen.'
'You weren't to know.'
'I don't mean being duped, I mean letting her in my bed. Why on earth didn't I stop myself before it got too crazy. I fucking gravitated to the lowest level, let something I should have kept under control win. I feel like a miscreant, seedy, vile. But that's what I get for visiting places no father - or whatever the fuck I thought I was - should dare to go. It hurts, Brian, this time too much, but it's justice, isn't it?'
Brian kept quiet for a bit to digest this reasoning, totally understanding where he was coming from. It was a pity it had taken till now to feel the tempestuous shame and guilt. But that was the impact she'd had on him; it had all been veiled by what he considered love.
'You know, Neil, initially when I found out about you both it threw me - morally and mentally. But it happens more often than people care to even think about, and it's not even criminalised in many countries. Who hasn't heard or read about this sort of thing from long lost relatives? And let's face it, it's not like there's a drop-in centre or support group is there? Sometimes intuition is stronger than the fear of laws.'
'Don't tell me you've been researching stuff like that?' Neil frowned and gave Brian a flicker of a smile - he wouldn't put it past him.
'Let's just say, being the son of a vicar, I'm here for the greater good of man - even arseholes like y—'
'D'you want to fill my retiring bootsor not?' Neil interjected (while Brian squinted and stared down his nose at him pleased though, that a little banter had sparked up), making a carry on hand gesture with his wrist.
'I'm getting there, I'm getting there!' the friend scoffed. 'After a while I made my own mind up that yeah, in the eyes of the law you were wrong, but of what, really? Understanding human nature's never been straightforward, your body's reacting to what's in the head and it wasn't fulfilled until you hit the sack with her.'
Jesus, Neil thought, he really has been looking shit up!
'You were both consenting adults, and didn't set out to hurt anyone, despite the risks. And let's face it, you feared you were going to be the only family she had left. Personally, I still think it was madness. But why worry so much about right and wrongs for anyone else's beliefs and ethics... including my own?' Brian concluded rather grandly.
Neil was taken aback, totally gobsmacked at his friend's bombastic, but much-needed ranting. 'God, Brian... and I didn't purposefully blaspheme there... but have you just come out with that to try and make me feel better, or did you really mean that?'
'Mate, I had no idea Saskia screwed you over before I came here, did I, so of course I meant it. I've had time to think in length. That's the thing about Bible-bashers, we don't always agree with the law, we have our own ways. Why d'you think so many people find God when in prison? We've all had a stint in the gossipmonger-court-of-morals; certain things should have fuck all to do with anybody else.'
'Except Valerie.' Neil piped up, with a wry smile.
'Ah, well, you slipped up there, but I can still imagine it was a shock for her.'
'Well, I understand now why it took her up until her niece dobbed me in; must have been a hard decision. I had a soft spot for her you know, a real hard worker. She'd oi, oi, oi, at every messy desk she tidied, fussed about me like a mother-hen,
'Member to tuck scarf ride roun,, it butter out der...'
Brian smiled humbly at his friend's impersonation. He hadn't quite been the depraved beast he was painting himself, just a kind-hearted knob with blinkers. 'Not that it matters now, of course.'
'Aye, that's true... ' Neil fell into brief silence as flashes of Saskia came crashing back, always unbidden, unannounced. He blinked himself out of his stare as Brian words melted into here and now fact. He was right. It didn't matter now - but where would he go from here? Who would grant any man clemency for sleeping with his daughter? Even finding himself inculpable provided no hope. Beverly had worked hard to do such a number on him and succeeded impeccably. 'It was still sick though, wasn't it?'
'Fuck sake... ' Brian whispered, nettled by his friend's reluctance to give himself a break. 'Okay, then, Neil. Maybe it was a sickness, of the mind, of the soul, fuck knows. Every sickness comes to an end, though, and I'm sorry yours ended the way it has, but it's done now.'
Biting down on his bottom lip, feeling as if he was about to be ambushed by tears again, Neil nodded. This visit from Brian had proved to be excruciatingly poignant, because at times of absolute anguish it takes just a small token to restore faith again. It was what this visit from Brian was all about. and that was before the whole story was known.
* * *
It had to come up; work and his intention towards it. Neil had made a second round of coffee for them both. He had noted on answering the door that Brian was suited and booted; no doubt slogging his guts out keeping two departments running. But he didn't feel in the least bit ready to return to any incumbent or leisurely life.
'So, when will you be back in the office?'
'Och, I can't see that being anytime soon.'
'You can't stay here and fester either, it would cripple you, mate.'
'Couple of weeks, maybe.' Neil said, purely to appease him.
Brian could remember him saying that he'd be willing to give work and all his ventures up to be with Saskia. But how gutting would it be to do just that, not only without the girl, but from humiliation too? Regardless of Neil's present thoughts, Brian would need to turn second in command longer, and continue to be one hell of a sharp organiser; he'd already proved to be an even bigger friend.
'Look, this has been all quite... I think demoralising is too mild a word, but just promise me one thing? 'What?'
'Don't make any rash decisions right now. You've built up your businesses admirably - don't just walk away. Ultimately, and as nuts as it's turned out, you've done nothing wrong.'
Despite Brian's change of heart and emphatic support, raw hurt was still ripping through him, as was pangs of pointless finality. He kept silent, ridiculous thoughts of this being punishment for all his father's wrong-doings continued to stir. For all his hard but fair approach in life, it still didn't wash away the fact that his father's corruption had been the foundation of his success.
'Okay... but I need some headspace for now.'
'Well, then.' Brian stood abruptly, having to tuck back in the shirt that his big belly always teased out on sitting. 'I'd better get back. I take it I can return to work knowing you won't be tanning your wrists, then?'
'Nah. I'm not only a mug, but I'm a wimp, too.'
Brian slapped him briskly on the shoulder and headed for the door, then suddenly stopped and turned, his eyes narrowing as if something had just occurred to him. 'Actually, when you think of it, it's just as well you're not her father. Could you imagine walking her up the aisle knowing you had first dibs?'
Neil just gave a full smile and shook a weary head at his comment. It was a risky comment, but it helped whiplash their 20+ year bond back to full throttle in less than an hour; he'd help Neil come to terms with shit bit by bit, help him recover recover by Hell or high water. 'I'll see myself out.'
'Hey?' Neil shouted after him, and he popped his head back in before closing the door. 'I'm sorry for all that crap in the office, you didn't deserve it.'
'Already forgotten... but bite the bullet and come back to work soon. You could even try giving everyone a substantial pay-rise then they wouldn't give a fuck who you were sleeping with, not even the dog - if you had one!'
Neil tutted. 'For a churchgoer, you don't half cleave to evil thoughts!'
Brian grinned and quietly closed the door.
end of **PUT YOU TOGETHER AGAIN**
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
