Really Got Me (ch29)

      start of ***  REALLY  GOT  ME***

🌟✈ His cluttered head wasn't really getting the peace it needed after his exchange with Brian. He knew how his friend felt about this over-attachment with his daughter and the legal boundaries it crossed.  Of course, the advice given to him had been prudent, and he thought he at least owed Brian something since they more or less stopped socializing these days.

  He did conjure up the scenario of telling her that it may be in their best interest if they no longer saw each other and what that actuality would bring about.  But the pain of such a sudden and cruel act, and watching her crumble through it was unbearable to even think about. Not now. Not ever. They couldn't even manage being weaned from the other; seeing each other less, no keeping their contact to just public places, no calling less, no taxi's home after he'd cooked for her, no keeping to her own room. There was no lesser degree of impact for them, no damage limitation that would succeed.

   But he did promise Brian he'd think about the peccancy of his future; committing to such this very second via a long quiet walk, (mobile at home, iPod in his pocket) under glorious winter sun that oozed from an azure cloudless sky. A perfect setting for clear, serious, sensible thinking... who was he trying to kid? All it took was a distant aeroplane catching his eye to make any such thoughts moulder as it merely placed emphasis on their premeditated plan. Weighing up the odds, they may need a straight flight, across skies and outta here themselves some day. Plus he really wasn't being totally loyal to Brian by choosing the very park he and Saskia met up in to process these 'thoughts' - that wasn't doing anything other than confirming their fait-accompli carried —— and disregard. 

Within forty-eight hours of last hearing from her, she was back on the phone, back at his table, back in his bed. There was no need to expose the fact that he had thought - theoretically - of a future without her. Of how in the long run he knows she would be better off with a guy her age as he part-seriously, part- jokingly reminds her that she'll outlive him by at least 30 years anyhow. So they embrace the present, live in the moment. How these moments will eventually pan out is a different story; one they need not concern themselves with for now. Or do they?      

   This past while, since Beverly vacillated some possible suspicion during the time she legged it, Saskia had to reassure Neil that her mum had just been off on a nasty rant, and could be really vile when in a mood. She felt it necessary to mention too, that this had worsened since the death of her grandfather, and could exacerbate when she was on the blob (something she had to demystify the meaning of in none too delicate a term). Even so, Neil was beginning to feel more rattled at the mention of her these days. Saskia could be miles away at times and on inquiry of such moments, her mum was usually the reason but she brushes it off, jokes about home life. Maybe it was instinctive concern, but there was only so much recovering from cancer could be excused for. If anything, one would expect after having battled such a disease, that life would take on a more lucid and placating rationale. He could recall her fiery temper but it was never that bad to have left any enduring impression on him.

Spending a rather lengthy spell out on the balcony, on this cold wintery night, Saskia, in skimpy and  sleeveless night apparel, sneaked up on him and slipped arms around his middle from behind, resting the side of her head between his shoulder blades. 

     'What ya doing freezing your danglers out here, Raptor?'

     Feeling her warm, uncovered arms enclose him, he turned and berated her back. 

     'You'll catch your death, you daft mare!' Her short smock revealed bare legs, too.

     'I thought you'd slipped off without saying goodnight.. '

     'No... an aeroplane caught my eye and I kind of got drawn in by its tail lights. Took fifteen minutes to disappear from sight... I timed it!' He feigned amazement.

     'Well, I'm... ' she hauled him by the arm, 'drawn to get back inside. That show starts in ten and you're not even settled in your PJ's. Timing plane lights going across the sky...' she tutted,  'you blokes really don't ever grow up.'

    'Oi!' He gave her a playful push on the shoulder on their way through the glass doors, partaking in all this living for the moment stuff, when he would have been better off booking a plane ticket right there and then.

    

       end of ***REALLY  GOT  ME***

Secret (pt2) CH28

                   ***SECRET (pt 2)***

  🐦🐦 Just when Brian had thought he'd heard it all, the next apple of discord in this God-forsaken saga hurled incredulity straight back at him.  Still trying to incorporate sense obliquely to bring Neil back down from cloud cuckoo land, he asked what would happen if their affair did become common knowledge.

    'At the first sniff of anything like that we'd flee - to some place or other where nobody knows us.'

     Staring at him with an almighty frown, forcing the lines in his forehead to replicate a down pointing arrow, Brian was clearly taken aback.

   'What? And abandon her mum?'

   'Saskia's spent most of her life to pleasing her mum, helped with her grandfather too, besides Beverly's doing well, she's expecting the all-clear soon. But that's the decision we've made if the worst was to happen...'  he declared, walking back to his desk, after a like-it-or-not gesture at Brian's clear affront. And once he was sitting back down, he swept a hand right round his surrounds, then said, 'I'd give all this up for her. Right now.'

    The words totally confounded Brian. 'Are you serious?'

    'Oh, I'm serious. You know the old saying " if you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice?"  Well, I can't have that. I won't...all of this,' he gestured around again, ' would be yours.'

     Brian let that thought take precedence for a moment. He'd be running Balfour Industries! 

     They'd already signed an indenture that sealed this future deal on Neil's retirement - he would be head honcho. He had managed the place for years whenever Neil was shooting off somewhere; for months at a time when he was married to Magrette.  

   Of course, nothing was fully signed over, but the disposition could see Brian comfortably off. Neil was planning on retiring at 60 anyhow, so it'd be no big deal bringing that forward a couple of years. Work was purely stringent familiarization, reaching an imperishable level of boredom by 10a.m. and felt even more intolerable since Saskia.  He'd be fucked if he would let this place be the premature death of him. With millions safely tucked away for retirement, he could bow out gracefully. Or perhaps disgracefully now it was known that if this whole sordid affair did leak, they would be pissing off out of the picture.  

      'Here's hoping it doesn't come to that,' Brian said.  And for Neil's sake at this moment in time, under such circumstances, he really meant it. 

   Back to the decanter for one last whisky, Brian stood quiescently watching night engulfing the daylight sky.  There would be no point in any more visceral objections.  As far as he managed to see things, his friend was caught up in a juncture, a case of hope and hopelessness, while his own feelings on the matter were suspended somewhere between horror and pity. Pity? There was a word he'd never thought he'd ever associate with mega-rich, uber-privileged Neil Balfour.  It was a shame, too, as he had stopped being morally bankrupt years ago. This disgusting love had blinded him enough to be ignoring the full backlash, of the consequences it could bring. What a bloody old fool. 

    'I'll have to be going soon, Neil, but can you answer me one last thing before I leave - just for my own curiosity?'

     He gave a curt nod.

    'If she hadn't initiated things, confessed to you, so to speak... would you have said or done anything?'

    'Probably not,' he answered, tapping a pen by it's nib on the desk, 'although it wouldn't have stopped me knowing, needing, or wanting her.  As I said, you can't legislate for the human heart. She's the sweetest, funniest and single-most mental little creature. It can hurt how much I love her - and she has me in which any way, shape or form she chooses.'  

    Jesus, thought Brian to himself (he'd never blaspheme out loud) this idiot has taken mollycoddling to a new extreme!  Worse still, he sounded like a lovesick puppy.

    'I know it's been a shock, Brian, but she's the best thing to have happened to me since Magrette left. Life was empty after her, you know that better than anyone.'

    Brian gave a rueful smile at that. Had Magrette still been his wife, this whole sorry event may never have occurred. Curiosity killed, it really was time to go, but he was leaving with a minute fragment of understanding.  Instances of this kind weren't totally unheard of and usually always had a reciprocal sympathy story to sell with it. So was it really wrong to be needed, to be comforted in bittersweet necessity?  Brian swirled the glass and in one fell swoop, the whiskey took the answer to that one down with it. 

   'Okay if I leave the report till Monday?'
   'Sure.' Neil answered, his friend's mind would probably be addled enough this weekend, let alone cope with audit trails. 'Thanks, Brian. For at least letting me vent. I wasn't quite expecting a Gregson from you, but I've appreciated you being there all the same.'

   'Well, nobody can wholeheartedly view a situation they're not directly involved in, but I'll not move from what I think would be best all round.'     

   'I'll see that your car gets to you in the morning.' Was all his reply contained.
   Again, Brian gave a little nod and headed out. Pausing in the door frame, he turned to add:
   'You know this'll go no further, Neil.'  That was never doubted for a second. 'Text me when Saskia returns. Daughters are stubborn little bastards, but it'll be sooner than you think.'

    Neil's revelation would feel tangible for days to come, like a sour taste on the tongue, and Brian prayed as he strode towards the exit that Neil really would come to his senses. But the man had, after all, simply felt compelled to fight hiscorner, spill his heart - just as Saskia was coaxed to do at Neil's request. But he sorely wished he hadn't popped up for that damned document tonight.  

Alone in the darkening office, Neil heaved an almighty sigh, mixed with worry, fear and palliation. It had been strange to articulate the appeal and danger of taboo, but freeing at the same time. Right now, however, come what may, he just wanted to know Saskia was okay. It would be pointless to glance anymore at either his phone or out the window, and the greenhouse carpet had been subjected to the most-incessant pacing of its life. One more refill and he'd do one.

                                  *                                        *                                           *
   
Standing wearily on his balcony at 2 am, with a fifth coffee since returning home in hand, he looked out over the city, listening to the distant sighs of traffic, hoping that some car or taxi would glide her safe return here or her home. London lights were gradually saying goodnight; tower block illuminated windows blinking off into darkness, one after another.  This was useless. Telling himself that she would call by the end of his next overdose of caffeine, clearly wasn't happening.  All it was really doing was working up a bladder-full of trips to the toilet.  He tipped the remaining half mug of coffee down the sink and went to bed, leaving the curtains fully open. After one last check at his phone's battery life, he succumbed to sleep faster than expected.

    

It took him a minute to click on that there was an extra band of warmth around his middle.  Looking down under the sheet he was mightily relieved to see her hand resting on his tummy, and with a quick glance at her over his shoulder for extra reassurance, he turned and roused her.  

     'Saskia? Saskia... where have you been, your mother's been going nuts wondering where you are.'  Checking his phone, she'd called another twice through the night, but noted none from Saskia. Him and his deep slumber. What use would he have been had she called? 

     'Please just let me sleep, Dad!'  

     He supposed that was a reasonable enough request to barter his relief with.
     It was now half past seven, so he rose as he'd be getting up at eight anyhow; a long enough lie in for him at weekends.  While the kettle was on to boil, he went to the guest room to call Beverly.  Whether she'd answer or not, he wasn't sure.  In the end he had to leave a voicemail.    
     By 10 a.m. he'd been to the supermarket for essentials and Saskia still hadn't moved from her sleeping position.  No amount of deliberate activity stirred her, and just as he decided one more hour and she was up whether she liked it or not, she started to awaken. Neil loomed over her, arms crossed, until she focused on his rather peeved expression as she clambered to sit up.
     'This the bit where I get grounded for a month?'
     'Your mum and I had been going out of our mind's with worry.'  
     'Now there's a sentence I seriously thought I'd never ever hear.'
     He ignored the cynicism, simply stating: 'You could have texted.'  It was apparent now that by ignoring him too, she had indeed been getting at her mum, for calling Beverly would have been the obvious thing he'd do.  
     'Yeah, well, I didn't. Some things you have to just grin and bear - I can't be my mother's puppet forever...  ' She quickly whipped back the covers and stormed towards the bathroom. 

    'Despite any gripe you had with your mum, all it would have taken was a simple message letting us know you were all right.'

    'Well, it looks like both of you will have to suck it up, then, doesn't it?'

    'Oh, very mature, Saskia!' he called after her. A minute or two later, he heard the rush from the shower head.  

   Preparing a breakfast that he wasn't sure either were ready for, there was a disquiet knot in his tummy. He tried to dismiss it as being his profound talk with Brian last night, but this gut feeling said differently.

    Saskia dressed from the stack of clothes she kept here and sat across from Neil at the breakfast bar, thanking him briefly. They both spent an uncomfortable couple of minutes, forcing in small mouthfuls of mushroom omelette - Saskia tensing herself for an interrogative grilling she really wasn't up for.

     'Can I ask where you were?'

     Yup. She was right.
     'Yeah. Dan's.' Neil's forehead gave a puzzled furrow so she had to help out. 'The big bloke you met the night you came to that gig with me'.

      Now it clicked. 'The guy from your high school?'
     'Yeah.''
     'Both nights?'
     'Both nights,' she confirmed.
     The protracted silence and refusal to look him in they eye concerned him, and the knot in his gut worsened enough to make him push his plate away. Saskia, in return, clanked her fork onto the plate and did the same.
     'He's decent, Dad. I didn't sleep with him in case that's bothering you.'
     'It's not,' he lied, for it flitted momentarily in his meantime, muddled mind. 'So, are you going to tell me what it was all about?'

     'You really don't wanna know.'

    The same troubled remark he made to Brian last night now exhausted him. 'For fuck's sake, Saskia...just tell me.'

    'I think she knows.'

     'What do you mean?' asked Neil, his heart banging like a demented dinner gong.
     'On my way out after a row she shouted something after me.'
     'Okay. What?'
     'That I'm returning home smelling more of you, than I am of myself.'

              End of ***SECRET***               

 

Secret (pt2)ch28

             Start of  ***SECRET***(pt 1)

🐦 She was a no show at the train station.  Friday night tumbled along the roads and pavements and Saskia still wasn't answering her phone.  People looked minute from the 18th floor, but he strained his eyes hoping to catch a glimpse of a platinum-blonde head bobbing among the multi-shades walking past below.

   It was 8.20pm and Brian, Neil's oldest friend from work - up for a document to take home - was surprised to see him through his glass box office, still fully suited and sitting perched on the corner of his desk looking miles away. He knocked once and entered. 

    'Alright there, Neil?' he inquired, noticing the fancy decanter of whisky on the table.  At work this usually indicated a problem or a long night.
     Neil swung his head round, unaware that Brian had crept up on him.  'Yes, just been a long day - you know.'

     'When are they never.  You seem a bit preoccupied, sure you're okay?'

     Giving a shrug, he sighed and replied. 'Could be better.' 

     Something must really be bothering him, Brian thought, as he noticed his tumbler was pretty full. A sudden and horrifying thought rushed to Brian's head and he reeled from the possibility.  'Not another lawsuit?' 

    He made it sound as if this was episodic, but the previous court case was a bit of a scary bastard. Luck (not bribery as the rumours went) only just rules in their favour. Had it gone the claimant's way it could very well have busted the department that Brian worked for.

    Neil gave a jerky little smile. 'Wish it was as simple as that but it's personal... stuff. Drink?'

    Brian raised a hand as shook his head just as something even worse flew to mind. As troubled as he looked there was no way he was touching, not even looking at Neil's balls for conformation of any bump or lump. 

     'Is it health related?' he asked nervously.

     'No. Still over the hill but doing okay.' He gave a smile at the relief on Brian's face.

     'So, what is it then, bud?'

     'Nothing you, or anyone, can help me with. Trust me, you really don't wanna know.'

      Brian was usually his sole confidante on anything personal or any company fuck-up, but he didn't like the manner in which this seemed to be heading.; telling him  he really wouldn't want to know made him all the more adamant to find out.

     'Do I have to keep reminding you that my father's a vicar, therefore I'm thick skinned too? I've heard all sorts - there isn't anything you can't say to me, you know that.' 

    'Believe me, this is off the scale.'

     'Have you murdered someone?' he asked sarcastically, starting to feel ticked off with his friend's reluctance to open up. 'Look, whatever's bothering you wants to come out otherwise you wouldn't even have hinted something was up.'

     Neil suddenly felt thankful of the male presence. Saskia had been his main company, main focus for so long now that he didn't quite consider how much of an impact this caused, how much he'd actually missed him.  But even so he averted his eyes and turned his head as he thought, but said he didn't want to burden him with this one. The decision did not go down well with Brian.

    'At least give me a clue to what it's about, man!' 

    Neil took a measured breath. This would be a bastard to put the right wording to,  but he didn't want to piss Brian about any longer; the man was committed now. 

   'It's my daughter. She didn't come home last night and her mother's frantic. She's called round hospitals, her friends and stuff. No joy. But she's still not answering anyone's calls or messages, and I've left umpteen voicemails. I'm not too sure what going on, but Beverly thinks she's not contacting me to worry her more.'

     'Ah, that's not so good,' he replied, but wondered why Neil couldn't have just told him this to begin with. 'Has Beverly mentioned a falling out or anything?' 

     'I picked up a hint that something may be up a few days ago but Saskia wasn't up for talking about it.' 

    Brian pouted and nodded, relating to parental struggles empirically. He first felt he'd lost his daughter when she started to wear black lipstick and clothes in adulation of some college band named Servile Sanction. He lost her completely a few months later when she moved in with the drummer - giving up her studies for a menial job to spend more time with him. So he could understand why Neil may be pent up over a runaway, but she was a grown woman, not a teenager. What was more puzzling was the extent to which  Neil had drunk so far (he could tell by the eyes it was a lot) and disinclination to say more; their affiliation was usually gustier than that. 

    'I'll drive you around if you want to want to search anywhere?' he offered.

     'Good of you, but I honestly wouldn't know where to start.' 

     'Well, it sounds like it's been a row between mother and daughter. It's a nightmare when they rebel. Our Danielle used to take sod-you hissy-fits before pissing off.  They make their way home soon enough. To be honest I'm more concerned with what you're not telling me. I know you, mate.'

   'You really don't,' Neil said, sliding off the desk edge to refill his glass. Words formed in his mind, reluctant to leave the tongue yet. He'd either have to go for it, or never do. With his back still to Brian, he took one pot-valiant glug; those hesitant words no longer held hostage...

     'I reckon it's been found out that we're sleeping together.'

     Down went the rest of the whisky in glug number two. There. They were out.

     'What?' Brian's eyes bulged at the news, taken aback. 'No wonder she's taken off then, she's probably pissed at you both if she didn't see that one coming. I'm surprised she's even up for sex! Doesn't the chemo and whatnot leave her too tired?'

    Neil's allusive way of bringing his secret into the open left Brian surmising that he's sleeping with Beverly under some sort of ex-reunion. 

   'I wouldn't know,' he quietly stated, trying to picture the confusion on Brian's face. How long would it take for the coin to drop?

    He soon disentangled the facts and stared in mute horror, before approaching him slowly. Neil's wandering gaze didn't know where to settle once he stood by him. 'Tell me you're not serious, man.'

   This time Neil looked at him; the raised eyebrows, the inward curl of the lips and the slight tilt of the head  - all confirming he was indeed sleeping with his daughter.

     At  a loss for words while processing the enormity of such a revelation, Brian stood stunned; a man of faith and patience, the reality of what had just occurred was almost beyond his belief.  All Neil's previous post-Magrette escapades: the clubs: the bragging of detailed sexual antics with classy escorts: the selfish slinging of emotions on young women: the drugs and threats of violence from husbands (all which, granted, he curbed years ago) had been unsavoury enough; this was mind-blowingly, jaw-droppingly, downright obscene. A grave quietness filled the office for what felt like forever, Neil dreaded his friend's next words, as he gave him a sideways stare, a damning pallor  took over his complexion. 

Brian hit himself with a huge glass of JD, draining the decanter empty.  'I've got this right now, haven't I, you mean Saskia?' he asked, in case this was some nightmare he was in, and had not just been told that his best friend was sexually involved with his own daughter.

   He nodded in assent.

   'For fuck's sake, Neil.' There it was, the rarity-swear from the most reasonable man he knew. 'I don't know what to think, let alone say!'

    'I don't expect anyone would.' 

     Pacing off, Brian was reluctant to even look at him now. He'd been supportive to Neil over the years,  opening that offer, where he could, to others; the go-to man for advice and remittal. It was a bit of a burden being religious, but no amount of hail Mary's would sort this one out. He reckoned even God would struggle with this dilemma. 

   'Brian, it's not something we asked for.'

    Watching his friend strutting about in a confused silence, Neil felt like shit. Putting himself in his friend's place, he most likely would have kicked him in the nuts by now to bring him to his senses. After two large gulps from the glass, Brian turned and let loose. 

     'I'm appalled Neil, utterly appalled.  You know what it's called, don't you?' The word stuck like a stone lodged in his throat. Respectable people have difficulty in even saying the word incest.

     Neil gave a nod and a semi-shameful smile. 'In too deep before we knew it.'

     'Too deep before we knew it,' he mimicked. 'It should never have gotten anywhere near that!'

     'It's not about allowing things reaching a certain point when it's near- impossible to fight, it was never going to be that simple.'

    'I don't think a judge would see it like that... '

    'Fuck's sake, Brian, would you really take this that far?'

    'Wouldn't like to have to but I'm struggling here... '

     Letting Brian wander about to quietly apperceive, Neil wondered which of his thoughts would crystallize into his next words, for he knew there was a choice looming; to side with the law and daub his oldest friend and his daughter in, or disown him altogether but keep shtum.  But it wasn't going to be easy, not for himself nor for his friend, to decide what the outcome of this conversation would hold.                'Any more of this stuff?' He held up his empty glass in front of Neil, who retrieved another bottle from a filing cabinet, refilling their glasses. It looked like he was, at least, sticking around for now. 'No gory details please, but how on earth did this come about, present itself?'

   'Well,' he sighed, gearing himself up for one hell of an explanation. 'Out of the blue at the at work's Christmas do...'

   Brian gave an incredulous sigh and rolled his eyes. 'Isn't it bloody always... '

   Ignoring the nippy comment, he continued. ' At the end of the night she told me how she felt and it totally threw me. The more we talked, the more we... well, let's just say the gory details followed.  I mentally fought it, fought it like fuck, but the urge got too strong.'

     'Or you were too weak?' Brian scratched his head, shaking it at the same time. This sounded very much like the Neil of old; the former one always had a twitch in his pants at a pretty face. Surely it had nothing to do with that? 'Your kid is an astoundingly eye-catching young woman, but I thought you gave up all that malarkey yonks ago - learned your lesson?' Brian knew that was an unfair comment to make, as he surely wouldn't have only seen his own daughter as a wretched old man's conquest, plus he knew Neil was reluctant to see her at all at the beginning.

     'Mate, it was never anything of that nature, more to do with need. Hers, mainly.'

     'I can't understand needing a father to that extent.'

     Neil sighed mightily and went for another peroxide-head check out the window, sitting back down at his desk with no flash of blonde about.

     'It's not all about sex. It's about something you don't feel or understand at first until it  hits you - she just got brave enough to be honest about it.' It was hard sharing what was inside his head, the vividness of his luscious sin. 'She fell in love just as people do and you can't legislate for loving someone, you've no choice in the matter.'

   Brian followed Neil's action and sat himself down at Jacqueline's desk. 'Fuck, Neil, do you really believe that shit?' he asked without rancour, but Neil took it rather testily.

     'Who are we hurting? Go on, answer me that! If two people are consenting and nobody is in danger, why should they worry if it's right or wrong for anyone but them?' 

    Was it too hard to understand that they cherished what private life was theirs? Outside they were still them, only a more sanitized version. 

     'What you're basically saying is that it's nobody else's business?'

     'Well, we weren't planning on announcing it.'

Standing abruptly, Brian - a stout man, whose large square glasses were misting up - had to remove his jacket as notch three of the desk fan wasn't dealing with the temperature as good now the air conditioning timer had stopped.  As he offloaded some more, Neil could intuitively tell that his friend still wasn't digesting matters well, so he hoped by Brian allowing the Jack Daniels to find it's way into his glass for a third over-filled time may help; although there was still that module of fear in his throat no matter how much the spirit washed over it. 

     'I'm doing my damnedest to process all of this, Neil.  I mean some would probably say fair play to you for banging a cracking looking bird half your age, but it's so unsettling knowing that she's your...  your child.' 

   'That's just it though... she was never my child, I never knew any child.' He remembered Saskia's prior rationale on the matter with her. 'We met as adults, and not responsible for all those lost years, and I guess that's how the complexities kick in.  Us having met was overwhelming and drew out all these other reactions and were swept along with the rush.  I mean it's not like this was something we thought we'd look into, she's not been in my bed from day one, it took time to manifest.  Sure, it would have been far better to have known her as a baby, but when we met she was a bit too big to bounce on my knee.'

     'But not off your hips though, eh?' 

     Neil scoffed at Brian's continued contempt, sucking-in his lips with slow acknowledgement nods which usually translated as good one, mate  or I deserved that.  If anyone was to say as he saw fit, this theistic man was, never holding back in the slightest in letting you know exactly what you needed to hear; all those years of Sunday Sermons, no doubt. 

   'You're making it sound vulgar, Brian, and it's not.'

    And just in case he wasn't getting it, Brian upped his tone.  'You're dipping  your dick in your daughter, Neil, how else would others see it? People can't reason, lawfully or morally, outwith the bounds of decency.'

     'Decency?' Neil scoffed. 'Fuck, I can remember not so long ago every cunt here was patting John Gregson on the back when he bragged about screwing his step-daughter.'

     'Who?' Brian asked muzzily, until the incident became fresh in his mind again. 'Oh, her that went on to star in those pop-up adverts online... I don't think that constitutes much of a similarity, I mean it's down to actual flesh and blood in your case.'

 'Jesus... state the ruddy obvious... '  Neil muttered under his breath. In-depth understanding wasn't on the cards here, and he was getting weary from the backlash - but he appreciated he was lingering on with him nonetheless; with their long friendship to consider it earned him, at least, some tolerance; he could be on the floor nursing a bloody nose, or on his way to a cop shop.

    'Look, I see supposable fathers and daughters every bloody where, acting with as much social decorum as us, and that does intensify that what we're doing is wrong... ' he admitted, but I don't look at the bloke and think, och, you don't know what you're missing , mate... I can be swallowed up by iniquity at times, I'm not totally carefree.'

   'Yet your illegal indulgence carries on... '

   'Yup - the second I see her again. It's too complex for anyone to understand how she needs me... '

 Thrusting himself free from the desk, the room felt air-stifled, extra intense. Neil removed his jacket and threw it haughtily over the opposing chair, striding across to the window again.  Brian noticed the huge damp patches from his armpits, something he never thought he'd witness ever; that Neil sweated at all was scarcely credible. Fuck, he must be really frazzled. '...and near impossible to understand that this doesn't feel perverted.'

    'And it's as simple as that... ' Brian concluded on Neil's behalf as he watched him glower into his glass of amber; the drink stare.  If only the melioration to all this mess floated about with the soda. The grip this girl had on him must be ferocious; this was some fucked up fait-accompli.  

   He didn't quite know where to go from here. In years gone by he'd been the only one brave enough to challenge Neil, often enjoying rubbing his nose in his wrongdoings. But he felt the initial disgust and anger ebbing as concern started to squeeze a way through. What the fuck has his friend done? He felt a direct plea might be his only hope, which he made as Neil continued his window-stare.

     'Please do the right thing and end this.'

     'How? By never seeing her again?'

     'May be for the best.'

     'What?' Neil answered jarringly, turning from the window to face him. 'I'm standing here worried to fuck, aching for her safe return, and you want me to tell her to fuck off before she's even back?

    'It's not what I meant.' Brian sighed. It was an inopportune moment for the plea; Neil was too hot and emotionally fraught.

   'Too late for that anyhow, it would be disastrous, hurt even more.'

   It was already fucking disastrous. It was distressing to see the twisted torture going on in that twisted mind under those twisted grey waves. Concluding that there would be no cogency in painting him a sick bastard anymore, and despite the situation, he thought it best to go easier on him, feeling the need to at least highlight some basic acumens;

   'You don't think she'd ever blab, do you - get drunk and spill the beans or something?'

   'She's 27, not some hormonal teenager. Mind you,' he raised a little smirk, 'she's about as exhausting as one at times. She's adult enough to keep shtum.'

     'Adult enough, but just done a runner.' Brian reminded him, 'I'm not being— '

     Neil sighed heavily. 'I know it appears that way, and of course there's worry as to where the fuck she is, but Beverly does think she's not contacting me, to worry her  more, I just need to  fathom out why.' 

      A horrifying possible cause tore itself through Brian's mind. 'She couldn't be pregnant could she?'              Neil was surprised he hadn't mentioned that before now.  'No, that's well taken care of.' 

     'Fuck, that would be horrendous.' Jail for you, and a kid in care... he refrained from sarkily adding.
     'Really, it's fine.' Neil replied assuredly, and Brian sorely hoped that that was true. Every birthday Neil's father would joke that he was getting him a vasectomy for it. Fingers crossed he'd taken him up that offer. 

     'So... what happens if her mother does know?' Brian asked the superseding question in all this fatuity. 

     Neil remained silent for a moment.  'That's what puzzling me. If she has blabbed to her mum...' he shrugged, palms upturned, 'why isn't she ripping me to bits over the phone, and why would Saskia not warn me?'

    'True.' Brian's insides were starting to twist again, anger bubbling back with all this shit his friend had bestowed on himself. But he'd promised himself to keep as calm as he could; a swear would need to suffice. 'This is some bastard of a mess, Neil. You gotta be scared as fuck... '

      'Something's up, that I'm sure of. It's the not knowing what that's worse. I need Saskia here to find out what, but I need her to be okay more than anything.'

     'She wouldn't do anything stupid, would she?'

    'Beverly doubted that too. But the more time passes, the more I'm inclined  to start considering that.' 

     They stood side by side, staring at nothing and everything out the window.  

                    end of ***SECRET*** (pt 1)