On A Rope (CH30)

             start of  ***ON  A  ROPE***

📓On Saturday, Saskia and her mother had to attend the wedding of a friend - making Sunday dinner with Neil a few hours later to cater for any hangover hang-ups. Since Saskia always called to let him know when she was setting off, an alert from reception baffled him. When told that it was the police, he felt his stomach drop.  Accident? Work break in? Car theft? That would have been far less feared and far easier dealt with. 

   The ping of the lift outside seemed to resonate louder when listening for it. The biggest dread he had tucked away and ignored for so long, with its it won't happen to us surety, was now indeed happening, and about to make its cold and unheralded entrance. As the shrill of the extended doorbell ring pierced the silence, the tense grip around his middle tightened. He closed his eyes, steeled himself, and grasped the doorknob.

    'Mr. Balfour?'

    'Yes,' Neil answered, frowning, hoping against hope that this was something connected with work. 

    'May we come in?'

    The first thing people usually do in the presence of police is ask right away what their visit was linked to before opening the door, but he swung it wide and guided them to the couch.  'Please,' he proffered a hand in the direction of his sofa's, 'take a seat.'  

    The men duly noted his quiet reaction to their criterion of interest; which could mean he knew what they might be here for, or it could be that he was just simply too nervous to ask. Neil however, duly noted that the men were wearing a suit apiece, rather than uniforms suggesting this was serious. He dreaded their words, but he'd have to be very careful with his own if his evincive hunch was right. Neil took a seat opposite them, certain his face portrayed the fear he felt.  The procedural actions to their inquiry began with introductions. Now crunch time had arrived. Fuck.

     'I'm Detective Bruce and this is Officer Prentice.'  

     He returned no pleasantry. 'Detective, huh? I'm obviously assuming it must be bad news. So... what brings you here? I'm guessing it's not for speeding,' he nervously joked. Neither man cracked a smile. Adding levity was not going to grace his favour. 'Break in at work again or something?'

     Both of them, (an older scrawny and overworked one who made the introductions) and his sidekick (half his age and twice the weight) gave no answer, just continued with the matter at hand. 'Can we just confirm that you know a Saskia Reymarr, Mr. Balfour?' 

     Yup. They'd gone straight for the jugular.  'My daughter... has something happened to her?' Neil leaned forward.

     The officers exchanged glances. 'No, she's not come to any harm, no accident or anything suchlike.'

     Anything suchlike? They knew.

     'That's good...' He simulated relief on that part. 'So what is it?'

     'We believe you've really only known of each other for a few months?'

     'Well since March, so yes.'

     'You get along okay?'

     'Fine.'

     'And you've built up a good relationship in the small period you've known each other, then?'

     'It's going well, so far.'

     'Bit of a shock, though, I guess. A daughter appearing out of the blue?' Prentice gave a contrived smile while taking notes, giving a miniscule shake of the head. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He would need to tread carefully, advance cautiously, avoid overcommitting. 'I don't mean to be rude, but where are we going with this?'

      Bruce, the older one, leaned himself more forward to exact precisely where they were.  'We're from the Sexual Offences Division.'

     Jesus Christ.                              

     'What!' Neil gulped down a huge lungful of air, and for a moment everything disconnected. He gave a strained smile. 'I don't understand?'

    The men exchanged glances once more.  'There's no easy way to put this, but we have been given information stating that you and your daughter may be involved in some...unnatural coupling.'  

     Neil frowned deeply. Bruce just said been given information, and not that there was any actual proof; it was vital not to slip up. The least said is the easiest mended. Darting his eyes from man to man in an attempt to look as if he didn't know what they meant, Prentice happily helped him out; he had no qualms in saying it.  'That you're involved with each other sexually.'

     No matter how geared up Neil felt against hearing the actual words, an ominous sensation still overwhelmed him; like a heavy blanket draping itself over him. His ears started to ring as blood rushed to his head, rendering him unpleasantly dizzy. But he had to grapple, take crucial control, whip up prior rehearsals into their feasible story. This scene played in his mind so many times at the start of entering into incest, and as time went on doubted it ever becoming an actuality. Yet here it was upon him.   

    Neil's hand flew to his mouth and closing his eyes, dragged it down over his lips and chin, all the while shaking his head.  'No, no, no, no, no!'  This movement was either saying: I've been rumbled or someone's got it in for me. He had to stick with the latter. 

     'I'm afraid so. We have to ask if it's true.'

     'Of course it's not true.. ' he snapped back, protestation his voice. '... what the fuck!' Then his head dropped, eyes on the carpet, quite clearly in shock. The men seemed to be in respect of that for a second or two, but needed to continue:

     'Any idea why somebody would make that up? It's a pretty sick accusation.'

     There were only two names flying around in his head. Brian or Saskia. Both he trusted implicitly. If it had come out during a row with Beverly, Saskia would have been straight on the phone to him - she made a promise to do that after her non-verbal weekend with Dan. 

     'Who am I suppose to be thinking of?'

     'Any associate have an axe to grind with you?'

     'What - like a disgruntled employee, rival, or jealous friend?'  He looked Bruce straight in the eye and the detective shrugged as if to say 'perhaps.'  'I have money - people tend to keep on your good side and most of my friends do okay for themselves anyhow, so I can't think of any enemies in that respect.'  It was a true enough assertion, and they believed he believed that.  'As for my work force, I demand results, but I pay a very decent wage, so not one person in particular springs to mind.  I don't think I've been uncouth enough to deserve this.'

     'Maybe someone thinks you have. And if it's untrue—' 

     'IF it's untrue... of course, it's untrue!'

    '—then that's a pretty cruel manner in which to punish someone.' 

     Starting to bite his bottom lip while tapping his foot - these visitants were quick at beginning to irk him - he stopped his motions the second he realised he was doing it; they'd pick up on any body languish. 'Look, I don't know what you're expecting from me, but I'd prefer not to be pussyfooted around, so what is it you're expecting to leave here with?'

   'I'm not sure what you mean, we're only following procedure, Mr. Balfour.' Prentice smiled at him.

   'Procedure?  A visit at this time in your Sunday best doesn't quite make one feel at ease, does it? A quiet word down at the nick not good enough? So excuse me if I have visions of being marched out of here in handcuffs after some coerced hefty confession!'

   'Confession? That's a bit strong?' The younger man frowned and stuck out his bottom lip, still looking down as he took notes; coming across contrived and knowing it. This little bloodthirsty fuck was enjoying this. But Bruce was quick to intervene, knowing how Prentice could be a little too keen to turn the thumbscrews.

   'Look, ' Bruced sighed. 'We're sorry if our presence has upset you, I know how intrusive it must feel, but we also have to consider that if the source of our information is lying, then you're the one getting the raw deal.'

  Despite being so pent up, Neil stayed quiet as if absorbing this. ' Yes, well,' he quietened his tone, 'your 'source of information' seems to have convinced you enough to act upon it. I take it you know who it was?'

   'We do, but I don't think that matters for now.' 

   'Why not? If someone has been given a raw deal, wouldn't they have the right to challenge it - know who's responsible for it?' Morally, of course, he was right. A police department wouldn't commit itself until it felt it had sound reasoning to, But both men knew though, they were unlikely to get anything incriminating directly from him. 

     'They would, they would. Look... maybe we're jumping too far ahead with this.' They'd been testing the water a little too deeply, and Neil was ahead of their questions a little too readily. It was important at this stage for them not to get out of their depth too soon, venture beyond their level of expertise prematurely - something Prentice would need to work a bit harder on.

     Neil sneered. 'Oh, you think so? Listen, this isn't something you do on a whim, is it? If you checked out every erroneous tip-off you got you'd be snowed under.  Someone's swayed you enough to check this nonsense out. You know as well as I do that this hasn't derived from the back of a simple phone call.' He stood, riling himself up again - enough now to shoot over to his decanter to fill himself a double and necking it. The glass cracked on it's slam down. 

   To them this showing of anger had two possibilities: One - frustration that the police know who called and had no meantime intention to disclose who. Two - the audacity of the person who involved them. 

 Whoever that was, most people wanted the bastard who dobbed them in punished - whether the bastard was telling the truth or not.  

     'Are you okay, Mr.Balfour?' Prentice asked, actually sounding sincere.

     'Of course, I'm not fucking okay... would you be?'

     A fraught silence fell until Neil apologised for his outburst, which was okayed by Bruce raising his hand and giving a curt nod. And while they seemed to be showing a fragment of understandability, he thought he played the deception card.   

     'I get that you have to follow up on information, but this is all wrong. Aye, my daughter's with me a lot, we've a lot of catching up to do, but she's got her own room there,' he explained calmly, pointing to a door. 'See for yourself - there's girly stuff's scattered everywhere. Does my bloody head in at times.'

     Ironically, they made a point of always leaving her bed with that 'slept-in-it' look - mainly for Valerie's benefit when she had come to clean it. But his words didn't really pack a punch or prove anything, although Price jotted something down then put his notepad into his pocket. Still, they both kept shtum.

   Neil gave a near-empty sigh. 'So what's gonna happen here onward?'

The question was ignored at first as Bruce had tapped Prentice on the shoulder, indicating with his head it was time to go. There were no more questions for now they could usefully ask; both men knew they were unlikely to get anything incriminating directly from him.  'We'll be going now, thanks for your time.' And they headed for the door.

     'Should I be needing legal advice?' Neil asked while following them on their exit before they had the chance to leave. 

    Had Prentice just foretasted a whiff of panic? A sly smirk crossed his face for the briefest moment before turning to answer him. 'Well, there's no arrest about to take place - with no solid proof there would be no need for that. The informant's probably got the wrong end of the stick, or even acted on hearsay - we don't know for sure. We have to follow up complaints nonetheless... besides, I'm sure Miss Reymarr will corroborate what you've told us.'  This was the part of the job he (and every smart-arsed detective) loved the most; the parting comments. 

     A  horrid heat spread over Neil's chest. 'You're going to see her now?'

     'No, we're not. Two officers are with her presently - both women, seeing as it's such an indelicate subject.' 

    'What? Surely there's no need to press any of this nonsense onto her?' 

    'Unfortunately we do. It takes two to tango, if you get the drift.'

    'Okay.'  He closed his eyes, nodding his head. No protest or outburst of any kind here would make matters better. He felt buggered. Good style.

     'Thanks for your time, Mr. Balfour. I shouldn't think you'll be seeing us again.'

     Closing the door behind them, he turned to rest against it, sagging in the middle with relief - but only because they'd gone. No way was this the end of it. That he knew. Not a hope in hell.

Back in the car, young Prentice slammed the door on the passenger's side and stated explicitly and loudly: 'He's a lying bastard.'

     'What makes you say that?' his partner asked.

     'Did you notice the photo on the side table?'

     'Course I did, Gary. It's our  job to notice everything.'

     'Well... all I can say is if it is her with him in that picture, my hand would be up her skirt too.' Bruce shot him a look, but Prentice wasn't sure if it was through amusement or irritation. 'What?'

     'Fuck's sake, man... your powers of deduction are impressive - d'you that?'  And with a twisted smile he pulled away, his curiosity to compare what story the female inspectors brought back to the station, stronger than ever.

                                   *                                             *                                          *                                                           

Pacing the flat, all sorts of crazy theories were going on in his head. Who? Why? How? The day they feared the most had been lying in wait after all, risk hanging more heavily over them with every clandestine move they made. A vast rehearsal of denials and excuses would need to be practiced ready for their part to play in keeping them unbroke;  caution and carefulness executed with utmost precision.  No inappropriate conduct in public, never sending incriminating texts - not even for deletion - and living their outside lives on everyone else's terms. They never thought they would ever have to use any protection plan.

There was no point in beating his brains out, it could only have come from one of two sources; Brian or Saskia, but surely she wouldn't have done anything stupid? And Brian had no reason to break his confidence or his promise. Not without facing Neil first.  Could the secret have been festering away inside Brian and he's talked? Then he dismissed the thought, Brian wouldn't do that.  But one thing was for sure - unless Beverly had been out this evening, she now knew. From her end, it was down to Saskia and how she was handling the questions and facts that vitally counted.  These officers were trained in getting to the truth and she would have to master a way out of this in regard to her mother, too.  He prayed she'd be strong. He wasn't ready to give her up. Only death held that role.

    The air indoors suddenly felt stifling, and Neil needed a breathing spell outside. Usually he treated his balcony as a podium to reflect, think and chill, but all he felt was fear and the whiskey burning like acid in his throat and rib cage - the Jack Daniels not giving him even the briefest pardon from this unfolding nightmare. And as much as he was tempted to call her, he opted for the cowardly approach and would wait until she called him. 

    It took a short while for him to realise that his jumper felt damp, that a misty rain was falling. Skies overhead rolled violet and anthracite - dramatically dark. The black clouds he could see through the lessening light lay in jagged stripes that ripped through the sky to his core. Where was the lilac horizon that said an early goodnight to London? If anywhere he hoped it was inside Saskia.  

   While turning to go back inside, his visitor-alert box buzzed. He walked straight to it. Pausing momentarily, he answered it to hear,

     'Dad, it's me... ' 

                   end of  ON  A  ROPE

Really Got Me (ch29)

      start of ***  REALLY  GOT  ME***

🌟✈ His cluttered head wasn't really getting the peace it needed after his exchange with Brian. He knew how his friend felt about this over-attachment with his daughter and the legal boundaries it crossed.  Of course, the advice given to him had been prudent, and he thought he at least owed Brian something since they more or less stopped socializing these days.

  He did conjure up the scenario of telling her that it may be in their best interest if they no longer saw each other and what that actuality would bring about.  But the pain of such a sudden and cruel act, and watching her crumble through it was unbearable to even think about. Not now. Not ever. They couldn't even manage being weaned from the other; seeing each other less, no keeping their contact to just public places, no calling less, no taxi's home after he'd cooked for her, no keeping to her own room. There was no lesser degree of impact for them, no damage limitation that would succeed.

   But he did promise Brian he'd think about the peccancy of his future; committing to such this very second via a long quiet walk, (mobile at home, iPod in his pocket) under glorious winter sun that oozed from an azure cloudless sky. A perfect setting for clear, serious, sensible thinking... who was he trying to kid? All it took was a distant aeroplane catching his eye to make any such thoughts moulder as it merely placed emphasis on their premeditated plan. Weighing up the odds, they may need a straight flight, across skies and outta here themselves some day. Plus he really wasn't being totally loyal to Brian by choosing the very park he and Saskia met up in to process these 'thoughts' - that wasn't doing anything other than confirming their fait-accompli carried —— and disregard. 

Within forty-eight hours of last hearing from her, she was back on the phone, back at his table, back in his bed. There was no need to expose the fact that he had thought - theoretically - of a future without her. Of how in the long run he knows she would be better off with a guy her age as he part-seriously, part- jokingly reminds her that she'll outlive him by at least 30 years anyhow. So they embrace the present, live in the moment. How these moments will eventually pan out is a different story; one they need not concern themselves with for now. Or do they?      

   This past while, since Beverly vacillated some possible suspicion during the time she legged it, Saskia had to reassure Neil that her mum had just been off on a nasty rant, and could be really vile when in a mood. She felt it necessary to mention too, that this had worsened since the death of her grandfather, and could exacerbate when she was on the blob (something she had to demystify the meaning of in none too delicate a term). Even so, Neil was beginning to feel more rattled at the mention of her these days. Saskia could be miles away at times and on inquiry of such moments, her mum was usually the reason but she brushes it off, jokes about home life. Maybe it was instinctive concern, but there was only so much recovering from cancer could be excused for. If anything, one would expect after having battled such a disease, that life would take on a more lucid and placating rationale. He could recall her fiery temper but it was never that bad to have left any enduring impression on him.

Spending a rather lengthy spell out on the balcony, on this cold wintery night, Saskia, in skimpy and  sleeveless night apparel, sneaked up on him and slipped arms around his middle from behind, resting the side of her head between his shoulder blades. 

     'What ya doing freezing your danglers out here, Raptor?'

     Feeling her warm, uncovered arms enclose him, he turned and berated her back. 

     'You'll catch your death, you daft mare!' Her short smock revealed bare legs, too.

     'I thought you'd slipped off without saying goodnight.. '

     'No... an aeroplane caught my eye and I kind of got drawn in by its tail lights. Took fifteen minutes to disappear from sight... I timed it!' He feigned amazement.

     'Well, I'm... ' she hauled him by the arm, 'drawn to get back inside. That show starts in ten and you're not even settled in your PJ's. Timing plane lights going across the sky...' she tutted,  'you blokes really don't ever grow up.'

    'Oi!' He gave her a playful push on the shoulder on their way through the glass doors, partaking in all this living for the moment stuff, when he would have been better off booking a plane ticket right there and then.

    

       end of ***REALLY  GOT  ME***

Secret (pt2) CH28

                   ***SECRET (pt 2)***

  🐦🐦 Just when Brian had thought he'd heard it all, the next apple of discord in this God-forsaken saga hurled incredulity straight back at him.  Still trying to incorporate sense obliquely to bring Neil back down from cloud cuckoo land, he asked what would happen if their affair did become common knowledge.

    'At the first sniff of anything like that we'd flee - to some place or other where nobody knows us.'

     Staring at him with an almighty frown, forcing the lines in his forehead to replicate a down pointing arrow, Brian was clearly taken aback.

   'What? And abandon her mum?'

   'Saskia's spent most of her life to pleasing her mum, helped with her grandfather too, besides Beverly's doing well, she's expecting the all-clear soon. But that's the decision we've made if the worst was to happen...'  he declared, walking back to his desk, after a like-it-or-not gesture at Brian's clear affront. And once he was sitting back down, he swept a hand right round his surrounds, then said, 'I'd give all this up for her. Right now.'

    The words totally confounded Brian. 'Are you serious?'

    'Oh, I'm serious. You know the old saying " if you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice?"  Well, I can't have that. I won't...all of this,' he gestured around again, ' would be yours.'

     Brian let that thought take precedence for a moment. He'd be running Balfour Industries! 

     They'd already signed an indenture that sealed this future deal on Neil's retirement - he would be head honcho. He had managed the place for years whenever Neil was shooting off somewhere; for months at a time when he was married to Magrette.  

   Of course, nothing was fully signed over, but the disposition could see Brian comfortably off. Neil was planning on retiring at 60 anyhow, so it'd be no big deal bringing that forward a couple of years. Work was purely stringent familiarization, reaching an imperishable level of boredom by 10a.m. and felt even more intolerable since Saskia.  He'd be fucked if he would let this place be the premature death of him. With millions safely tucked away for retirement, he could bow out gracefully. Or perhaps disgracefully now it was known that if this whole sordid affair did leak, they would be pissing off out of the picture.  

      'Here's hoping it doesn't come to that,' Brian said.  And for Neil's sake at this moment in time, under such circumstances, he really meant it. 

   Back to the decanter for one last whisky, Brian stood quiescently watching night engulfing the daylight sky.  There would be no point in any more visceral objections.  As far as he managed to see things, his friend was caught up in a juncture, a case of hope and hopelessness, while his own feelings on the matter were suspended somewhere between horror and pity. Pity? There was a word he'd never thought he'd ever associate with mega-rich, uber-privileged Neil Balfour.  It was a shame, too, as he had stopped being morally bankrupt years ago. This disgusting love had blinded him enough to be ignoring the full backlash, of the consequences it could bring. What a bloody old fool. 

    'I'll have to be going soon, Neil, but can you answer me one last thing before I leave - just for my own curiosity?'

     He gave a curt nod.

    'If she hadn't initiated things, confessed to you, so to speak... would you have said or done anything?'

    'Probably not,' he answered, tapping a pen by it's nib on the desk, 'although it wouldn't have stopped me knowing, needing, or wanting her.  As I said, you can't legislate for the human heart. She's the sweetest, funniest and single-most mental little creature. It can hurt how much I love her - and she has me in which any way, shape or form she chooses.'  

    Jesus, thought Brian to himself (he'd never blaspheme out loud) this idiot has taken mollycoddling to a new extreme!  Worse still, he sounded like a lovesick puppy.

    'I know it's been a shock, Brian, but she's the best thing to have happened to me since Magrette left. Life was empty after her, you know that better than anyone.'

    Brian gave a rueful smile at that. Had Magrette still been his wife, this whole sorry event may never have occurred. Curiosity killed, it really was time to go, but he was leaving with a minute fragment of understanding.  Instances of this kind weren't totally unheard of and usually always had a reciprocal sympathy story to sell with it. So was it really wrong to be needed, to be comforted in bittersweet necessity?  Brian swirled the glass and in one fell swoop, the whiskey took the answer to that one down with it. 

   'Okay if I leave the report till Monday?'
   'Sure.' Neil answered, his friend's mind would probably be addled enough this weekend, let alone cope with audit trails. 'Thanks, Brian. For at least letting me vent. I wasn't quite expecting a Gregson from you, but I've appreciated you being there all the same.'

   'Well, nobody can wholeheartedly view a situation they're not directly involved in, but I'll not move from what I think would be best all round.'     

   'I'll see that your car gets to you in the morning.' Was all his reply contained.
   Again, Brian gave a little nod and headed out. Pausing in the door frame, he turned to add:
   'You know this'll go no further, Neil.'  That was never doubted for a second. 'Text me when Saskia returns. Daughters are stubborn little bastards, but it'll be sooner than you think.'

    Neil's revelation would feel tangible for days to come, like a sour taste on the tongue, and Brian prayed as he strode towards the exit that Neil really would come to his senses. But the man had, after all, simply felt compelled to fight hiscorner, spill his heart - just as Saskia was coaxed to do at Neil's request. But he sorely wished he hadn't popped up for that damned document tonight.  

Alone in the darkening office, Neil heaved an almighty sigh, mixed with worry, fear and palliation. It had been strange to articulate the appeal and danger of taboo, but freeing at the same time. Right now, however, come what may, he just wanted to know Saskia was okay. It would be pointless to glance anymore at either his phone or out the window, and the greenhouse carpet had been subjected to the most-incessant pacing of its life. One more refill and he'd do one.

                                  *                                        *                                           *
   
Standing wearily on his balcony at 2 am, with a fifth coffee since returning home in hand, he looked out over the city, listening to the distant sighs of traffic, hoping that some car or taxi would glide her safe return here or her home. London lights were gradually saying goodnight; tower block illuminated windows blinking off into darkness, one after another.  This was useless. Telling himself that she would call by the end of his next overdose of caffeine, clearly wasn't happening.  All it was really doing was working up a bladder-full of trips to the toilet.  He tipped the remaining half mug of coffee down the sink and went to bed, leaving the curtains fully open. After one last check at his phone's battery life, he succumbed to sleep faster than expected.

    

It took him a minute to click on that there was an extra band of warmth around his middle.  Looking down under the sheet he was mightily relieved to see her hand resting on his tummy, and with a quick glance at her over his shoulder for extra reassurance, he turned and roused her.  

     'Saskia? Saskia... where have you been, your mother's been going nuts wondering where you are.'  Checking his phone, she'd called another twice through the night, but noted none from Saskia. Him and his deep slumber. What use would he have been had she called? 

     'Please just let me sleep, Dad!'  

     He supposed that was a reasonable enough request to barter his relief with.
     It was now half past seven, so he rose as he'd be getting up at eight anyhow; a long enough lie in for him at weekends.  While the kettle was on to boil, he went to the guest room to call Beverly.  Whether she'd answer or not, he wasn't sure.  In the end he had to leave a voicemail.    
     By 10 a.m. he'd been to the supermarket for essentials and Saskia still hadn't moved from her sleeping position.  No amount of deliberate activity stirred her, and just as he decided one more hour and she was up whether she liked it or not, she started to awaken. Neil loomed over her, arms crossed, until she focused on his rather peeved expression as she clambered to sit up.
     'This the bit where I get grounded for a month?'
     'Your mum and I had been going out of our mind's with worry.'  
     'Now there's a sentence I seriously thought I'd never ever hear.'
     He ignored the cynicism, simply stating: 'You could have texted.'  It was apparent now that by ignoring him too, she had indeed been getting at her mum, for calling Beverly would have been the obvious thing he'd do.  
     'Yeah, well, I didn't. Some things you have to just grin and bear - I can't be my mother's puppet forever...  ' She quickly whipped back the covers and stormed towards the bathroom. 

    'Despite any gripe you had with your mum, all it would have taken was a simple message letting us know you were all right.'

    'Well, it looks like both of you will have to suck it up, then, doesn't it?'

    'Oh, very mature, Saskia!' he called after her. A minute or two later, he heard the rush from the shower head.  

   Preparing a breakfast that he wasn't sure either were ready for, there was a disquiet knot in his tummy. He tried to dismiss it as being his profound talk with Brian last night, but this gut feeling said differently.

    Saskia dressed from the stack of clothes she kept here and sat across from Neil at the breakfast bar, thanking him briefly. They both spent an uncomfortable couple of minutes, forcing in small mouthfuls of mushroom omelette - Saskia tensing herself for an interrogative grilling she really wasn't up for.

     'Can I ask where you were?'

     Yup. She was right.
     'Yeah. Dan's.' Neil's forehead gave a puzzled furrow so she had to help out. 'The big bloke you met the night you came to that gig with me'.

      Now it clicked. 'The guy from your high school?'
     'Yeah.''
     'Both nights?'
     'Both nights,' she confirmed.
     The protracted silence and refusal to look him in they eye concerned him, and the knot in his gut worsened enough to make him push his plate away. Saskia, in return, clanked her fork onto the plate and did the same.
     'He's decent, Dad. I didn't sleep with him in case that's bothering you.'
     'It's not,' he lied, for it flitted momentarily in his meantime, muddled mind. 'So, are you going to tell me what it was all about?'

     'You really don't wanna know.'

    The same troubled remark he made to Brian last night now exhausted him. 'For fuck's sake, Saskia...just tell me.'

    'I think she knows.'

     'What do you mean?' asked Neil, his heart banging like a demented dinner gong.
     'On my way out after a row she shouted something after me.'
     'Okay. What?'
     'That I'm returning home smelling more of you, than I am of myself.'

              End of ***SECRET***               

 

Secret (pt2)ch28

             Start of  ***SECRET***(pt 1)

🐦 She was a no show at the train station.  Friday night tumbled along the roads and pavements and Saskia still wasn't answering her phone.  People looked minute from the 18th floor, but he strained his eyes hoping to catch a glimpse of a platinum-blonde head bobbing among the multi-shades walking past below.

   It was 8.20pm and Brian, Neil's oldest friend from work - up for a document to take home - was surprised to see him through his glass box office, still fully suited and sitting perched on the corner of his desk looking miles away. He knocked once and entered. 

    'Alright there, Neil?' he inquired, noticing the fancy decanter of whisky on the table.  At work this usually indicated a problem or a long night.
     Neil swung his head round, unaware that Brian had crept up on him.  'Yes, just been a long day - you know.'

     'When are they never.  You seem a bit preoccupied, sure you're okay?'

     Giving a shrug, he sighed and replied. 'Could be better.' 

     Something must really be bothering him, Brian thought, as he noticed his tumbler was pretty full. A sudden and horrifying thought rushed to Brian's head and he reeled from the possibility.  'Not another lawsuit?' 

    He made it sound as if this was episodic, but the previous court case was a bit of a scary bastard. Luck (not bribery as the rumours went) only just rules in their favour. Had it gone the claimant's way it could very well have busted the department that Brian worked for.

    Neil gave a jerky little smile. 'Wish it was as simple as that but it's personal... stuff. Drink?'

    Brian raised a hand as shook his head just as something even worse flew to mind. As troubled as he looked there was no way he was touching, not even looking at Neil's balls for conformation of any bump or lump. 

     'Is it health related?' he asked nervously.

     'No. Still over the hill but doing okay.' He gave a smile at the relief on Brian's face.

     'So, what is it then, bud?'

     'Nothing you, or anyone, can help me with. Trust me, you really don't wanna know.'

      Brian was usually his sole confidante on anything personal or any company fuck-up, but he didn't like the manner in which this seemed to be heading.; telling him  he really wouldn't want to know made him all the more adamant to find out.

     'Do I have to keep reminding you that my father's a vicar, therefore I'm thick skinned too? I've heard all sorts - there isn't anything you can't say to me, you know that.' 

    'Believe me, this is off the scale.'

     'Have you murdered someone?' he asked sarcastically, starting to feel ticked off with his friend's reluctance to open up. 'Look, whatever's bothering you wants to come out otherwise you wouldn't even have hinted something was up.'

     Neil suddenly felt thankful of the male presence. Saskia had been his main company, main focus for so long now that he didn't quite consider how much of an impact this caused, how much he'd actually missed him.  But even so he averted his eyes and turned his head as he thought, but said he didn't want to burden him with this one. The decision did not go down well with Brian.

    'At least give me a clue to what it's about, man!' 

    Neil took a measured breath. This would be a bastard to put the right wording to,  but he didn't want to piss Brian about any longer; the man was committed now. 

   'It's my daughter. She didn't come home last night and her mother's frantic. She's called round hospitals, her friends and stuff. No joy. But she's still not answering anyone's calls or messages, and I've left umpteen voicemails. I'm not too sure what going on, but Beverly thinks she's not contacting me to worry her more.'

     'Ah, that's not so good,' he replied, but wondered why Neil couldn't have just told him this to begin with. 'Has Beverly mentioned a falling out or anything?' 

     'I picked up a hint that something may be up a few days ago but Saskia wasn't up for talking about it.' 

    Brian pouted and nodded, relating to parental struggles empirically. He first felt he'd lost his daughter when she started to wear black lipstick and clothes in adulation of some college band named Servile Sanction. He lost her completely a few months later when she moved in with the drummer - giving up her studies for a menial job to spend more time with him. So he could understand why Neil may be pent up over a runaway, but she was a grown woman, not a teenager. What was more puzzling was the extent to which  Neil had drunk so far (he could tell by the eyes it was a lot) and disinclination to say more; their affiliation was usually gustier than that. 

    'I'll drive you around if you want to want to search anywhere?' he offered.

     'Good of you, but I honestly wouldn't know where to start.' 

     'Well, it sounds like it's been a row between mother and daughter. It's a nightmare when they rebel. Our Danielle used to take sod-you hissy-fits before pissing off.  They make their way home soon enough. To be honest I'm more concerned with what you're not telling me. I know you, mate.'

   'You really don't,' Neil said, sliding off the desk edge to refill his glass. Words formed in his mind, reluctant to leave the tongue yet. He'd either have to go for it, or never do. With his back still to Brian, he took one pot-valiant glug; those hesitant words no longer held hostage...

     'I reckon it's been found out that we're sleeping together.'

     Down went the rest of the whisky in glug number two. There. They were out.

     'What?' Brian's eyes bulged at the news, taken aback. 'No wonder she's taken off then, she's probably pissed at you both if she didn't see that one coming. I'm surprised she's even up for sex! Doesn't the chemo and whatnot leave her too tired?'

    Neil's allusive way of bringing his secret into the open left Brian surmising that he's sleeping with Beverly under some sort of ex-reunion. 

   'I wouldn't know,' he quietly stated, trying to picture the confusion on Brian's face. How long would it take for the coin to drop?

    He soon disentangled the facts and stared in mute horror, before approaching him slowly. Neil's wandering gaze didn't know where to settle once he stood by him. 'Tell me you're not serious, man.'

   This time Neil looked at him; the raised eyebrows, the inward curl of the lips and the slight tilt of the head  - all confirming he was indeed sleeping with his daughter.

     At  a loss for words while processing the enormity of such a revelation, Brian stood stunned; a man of faith and patience, the reality of what had just occurred was almost beyond his belief.  All Neil's previous post-Magrette escapades: the clubs: the bragging of detailed sexual antics with classy escorts: the selfish slinging of emotions on young women: the drugs and threats of violence from husbands (all which, granted, he curbed years ago) had been unsavoury enough; this was mind-blowingly, jaw-droppingly, downright obscene. A grave quietness filled the office for what felt like forever, Neil dreaded his friend's next words, as he gave him a sideways stare, a damning pallor  took over his complexion. 

Brian hit himself with a huge glass of JD, draining the decanter empty.  'I've got this right now, haven't I, you mean Saskia?' he asked, in case this was some nightmare he was in, and had not just been told that his best friend was sexually involved with his own daughter.

   He nodded in assent.

   'For fuck's sake, Neil.' There it was, the rarity-swear from the most reasonable man he knew. 'I don't know what to think, let alone say!'

    'I don't expect anyone would.' 

     Pacing off, Brian was reluctant to even look at him now. He'd been supportive to Neil over the years,  opening that offer, where he could, to others; the go-to man for advice and remittal. It was a bit of a burden being religious, but no amount of hail Mary's would sort this one out. He reckoned even God would struggle with this dilemma. 

   'Brian, it's not something we asked for.'

    Watching his friend strutting about in a confused silence, Neil felt like shit. Putting himself in his friend's place, he most likely would have kicked him in the nuts by now to bring him to his senses. After two large gulps from the glass, Brian turned and let loose. 

     'I'm appalled Neil, utterly appalled.  You know what it's called, don't you?' The word stuck like a stone lodged in his throat. Respectable people have difficulty in even saying the word incest.

     Neil gave a nod and a semi-shameful smile. 'In too deep before we knew it.'

     'Too deep before we knew it,' he mimicked. 'It should never have gotten anywhere near that!'

     'It's not about allowing things reaching a certain point when it's near- impossible to fight, it was never going to be that simple.'

    'I don't think a judge would see it like that... '

    'Fuck's sake, Brian, would you really take this that far?'

    'Wouldn't like to have to but I'm struggling here... '

     Letting Brian wander about to quietly apperceive, Neil wondered which of his thoughts would crystallize into his next words, for he knew there was a choice looming; to side with the law and daub his oldest friend and his daughter in, or disown him altogether but keep shtum.  But it wasn't going to be easy, not for himself nor for his friend, to decide what the outcome of this conversation would hold.                'Any more of this stuff?' He held up his empty glass in front of Neil, who retrieved another bottle from a filing cabinet, refilling their glasses. It looked like he was, at least, sticking around for now. 'No gory details please, but how on earth did this come about, present itself?'

   'Well,' he sighed, gearing himself up for one hell of an explanation. 'Out of the blue at the at work's Christmas do...'

   Brian gave an incredulous sigh and rolled his eyes. 'Isn't it bloody always... '

   Ignoring the nippy comment, he continued. ' At the end of the night she told me how she felt and it totally threw me. The more we talked, the more we... well, let's just say the gory details followed.  I mentally fought it, fought it like fuck, but the urge got too strong.'

     'Or you were too weak?' Brian scratched his head, shaking it at the same time. This sounded very much like the Neil of old; the former one always had a twitch in his pants at a pretty face. Surely it had nothing to do with that? 'Your kid is an astoundingly eye-catching young woman, but I thought you gave up all that malarkey yonks ago - learned your lesson?' Brian knew that was an unfair comment to make, as he surely wouldn't have only seen his own daughter as a wretched old man's conquest, plus he knew Neil was reluctant to see her at all at the beginning.

     'Mate, it was never anything of that nature, more to do with need. Hers, mainly.'

     'I can't understand needing a father to that extent.'

     Neil sighed mightily and went for another peroxide-head check out the window, sitting back down at his desk with no flash of blonde about.

     'It's not all about sex. It's about something you don't feel or understand at first until it  hits you - she just got brave enough to be honest about it.' It was hard sharing what was inside his head, the vividness of his luscious sin. 'She fell in love just as people do and you can't legislate for loving someone, you've no choice in the matter.'

   Brian followed Neil's action and sat himself down at Jacqueline's desk. 'Fuck, Neil, do you really believe that shit?' he asked without rancour, but Neil took it rather testily.

     'Who are we hurting? Go on, answer me that! If two people are consenting and nobody is in danger, why should they worry if it's right or wrong for anyone but them?' 

    Was it too hard to understand that they cherished what private life was theirs? Outside they were still them, only a more sanitized version. 

     'What you're basically saying is that it's nobody else's business?'

     'Well, we weren't planning on announcing it.'

Standing abruptly, Brian - a stout man, whose large square glasses were misting up - had to remove his jacket as notch three of the desk fan wasn't dealing with the temperature as good now the air conditioning timer had stopped.  As he offloaded some more, Neil could intuitively tell that his friend still wasn't digesting matters well, so he hoped by Brian allowing the Jack Daniels to find it's way into his glass for a third over-filled time may help; although there was still that module of fear in his throat no matter how much the spirit washed over it. 

     'I'm doing my damnedest to process all of this, Neil.  I mean some would probably say fair play to you for banging a cracking looking bird half your age, but it's so unsettling knowing that she's your...  your child.' 

   'That's just it though... she was never my child, I never knew any child.' He remembered Saskia's prior rationale on the matter with her. 'We met as adults, and not responsible for all those lost years, and I guess that's how the complexities kick in.  Us having met was overwhelming and drew out all these other reactions and were swept along with the rush.  I mean it's not like this was something we thought we'd look into, she's not been in my bed from day one, it took time to manifest.  Sure, it would have been far better to have known her as a baby, but when we met she was a bit too big to bounce on my knee.'

     'But not off your hips though, eh?' 

     Neil scoffed at Brian's continued contempt, sucking-in his lips with slow acknowledgement nods which usually translated as good one, mate  or I deserved that.  If anyone was to say as he saw fit, this theistic man was, never holding back in the slightest in letting you know exactly what you needed to hear; all those years of Sunday Sermons, no doubt. 

   'You're making it sound vulgar, Brian, and it's not.'

    And just in case he wasn't getting it, Brian upped his tone.  'You're dipping  your dick in your daughter, Neil, how else would others see it? People can't reason, lawfully or morally, outwith the bounds of decency.'

     'Decency?' Neil scoffed. 'Fuck, I can remember not so long ago every cunt here was patting John Gregson on the back when he bragged about screwing his step-daughter.'

     'Who?' Brian asked muzzily, until the incident became fresh in his mind again. 'Oh, her that went on to star in those pop-up adverts online... I don't think that constitutes much of a similarity, I mean it's down to actual flesh and blood in your case.'

 'Jesus... state the ruddy obvious... '  Neil muttered under his breath. In-depth understanding wasn't on the cards here, and he was getting weary from the backlash - but he appreciated he was lingering on with him nonetheless; with their long friendship to consider it earned him, at least, some tolerance; he could be on the floor nursing a bloody nose, or on his way to a cop shop.

    'Look, I see supposable fathers and daughters every bloody where, acting with as much social decorum as us, and that does intensify that what we're doing is wrong... ' he admitted, but I don't look at the bloke and think, och, you don't know what you're missing , mate... I can be swallowed up by iniquity at times, I'm not totally carefree.'

   'Yet your illegal indulgence carries on... '

   'Yup - the second I see her again. It's too complex for anyone to understand how she needs me... '

 Thrusting himself free from the desk, the room felt air-stifled, extra intense. Neil removed his jacket and threw it haughtily over the opposing chair, striding across to the window again.  Brian noticed the huge damp patches from his armpits, something he never thought he'd witness ever; that Neil sweated at all was scarcely credible. Fuck, he must be really frazzled. '...and near impossible to understand that this doesn't feel perverted.'

    'And it's as simple as that... ' Brian concluded on Neil's behalf as he watched him glower into his glass of amber; the drink stare.  If only the melioration to all this mess floated about with the soda. The grip this girl had on him must be ferocious; this was some fucked up fait-accompli.  

   He didn't quite know where to go from here. In years gone by he'd been the only one brave enough to challenge Neil, often enjoying rubbing his nose in his wrongdoings. But he felt the initial disgust and anger ebbing as concern started to squeeze a way through. What the fuck has his friend done? He felt a direct plea might be his only hope, which he made as Neil continued his window-stare.

     'Please do the right thing and end this.'

     'How? By never seeing her again?'

     'May be for the best.'

     'What?' Neil answered jarringly, turning from the window to face him. 'I'm standing here worried to fuck, aching for her safe return, and you want me to tell her to fuck off before she's even back?

    'It's not what I meant.' Brian sighed. It was an inopportune moment for the plea; Neil was too hot and emotionally fraught.

   'Too late for that anyhow, it would be disastrous, hurt even more.'

   It was already fucking disastrous. It was distressing to see the twisted torture going on in that twisted mind under those twisted grey waves. Concluding that there would be no cogency in painting him a sick bastard anymore, and despite the situation, he thought it best to go easier on him, feeling the need to at least highlight some basic acumens;

   'You don't think she'd ever blab, do you - get drunk and spill the beans or something?'

   'She's 27, not some hormonal teenager. Mind you,' he raised a little smirk, 'she's about as exhausting as one at times. She's adult enough to keep shtum.'

     'Adult enough, but just done a runner.' Brian reminded him, 'I'm not being— '

     Neil sighed heavily. 'I know it appears that way, and of course there's worry as to where the fuck she is, but Beverly does think she's not contacting me, to worry her  more, I just need to  fathom out why.' 

      A horrifying possible cause tore itself through Brian's mind. 'She couldn't be pregnant could she?'              Neil was surprised he hadn't mentioned that before now.  'No, that's well taken care of.' 

     'Fuck, that would be horrendous.' Jail for you, and a kid in care... he refrained from sarkily adding.
     'Really, it's fine.' Neil replied assuredly, and Brian sorely hoped that that was true. Every birthday Neil's father would joke that he was getting him a vasectomy for it. Fingers crossed he'd taken him up that offer. 

     'So... what happens if her mother does know?' Brian asked the superseding question in all this fatuity. 

     Neil remained silent for a moment.  'That's what puzzling me. If she has blabbed to her mum...' he shrugged, palms upturned, 'why isn't she ripping me to bits over the phone, and why would Saskia not warn me?'

    'True.' Brian's insides were starting to twist again, anger bubbling back with all this shit his friend had bestowed on himself. But he'd promised himself to keep as calm as he could; a swear would need to suffice. 'This is some bastard of a mess, Neil. You gotta be scared as fuck... '

      'Something's up, that I'm sure of. It's the not knowing what that's worse. I need Saskia here to find out what, but I need her to be okay more than anything.'

     'She wouldn't do anything stupid, would she?'

    'Beverly doubted that too. But the more time passes, the more I'm inclined  to start considering that.' 

     They stood side by side, staring at nothing and everything out the window.  

                    end of ***SECRET*** (pt 1)

Positivity (ch26)

           start of  ***POSITIVITY***

👴Something was on his mind again. She sensed it shortly after the day had begun as they were planting seasonal flowers into pots on the balcony. Their time spent together was on the increase now her woodwork course had finished, and he had cut his work into a three-day week.  Not that she needed that extra time to get to know him better, she was pretty much an expert of his soul now.  Yet, she had seen him urgently scraping dirt out from under his fingernails with a file and hurrying it back into his pocket. That obsession had lessened and disappeared over the months, and it bothered her to see its return. The indication that all wasn't well was slowly turning into concern, but she wouldn't push it - them 'ickle flowers needed her meantime. 

                                              *                                    *                               * 

Snuggling against him - wrapped in post-sexual unity - Saskia always enjoyed the repose afterwards as Neil usually delivered some drollery as to how breathless he could be after their energetic stints. But instead he lay holding her in silence; very unlike him. She moved down a bit, taking her head from his shoulder to rest on his chest, and pressed down firm. 

   'What are you doing, Saskia?'  

  She attempted to start the light-hearted stuff off by mentioning the pace of his heart. 'God, that's galloping!' she said, using her ear as a stethoscope. 'We must have gave it some oomph.'

    He gave no riposte, and took a bit longer to reply. 'In a guy my age, I guess it's a blessing that it's still beating afterwards,' he said, well bereft of the teasing tone she expected. 

    'What? Bit of an odd thing for you to say.'

    'Is it?'

    'Of course it is. You know I'm just teasing, don't you?'

    'I know.'

   She suddenly froze. 'There isn't anything I should know about, is there?' she asked, not brave enough to look at him for his answer.

    'No. Why?' 

    'Because you sound as if you're writing yourself off here.' she said with a nervous laugh. 'Are you sure you're okay?'

    'Aye... aye, I'm okay, sweetheart, a little out of sorts, perhaps.'

    'What like, feeling under par or something... and that's not a golfing joke, I'm serious!'

    'Ill? No, not that. I just feel I'm, well, not much cop at times.'

    The comfort-fingertip she was tracing round the very few hairs between his nipples and up and around his thorax halted its course. 'Sorry, I'm lost. I don't know what you mean.'

    'I wasn't very...' he sighed, a bit fazed at how to express himself properly.  'You would let me know if you weren't happy with... anything, wouldn't you?'

    She upped herself on an elbow to look at him. 'What in God's name would I be unhappy about?' 

    He fell quiet for a bit again.

    'Just tell me... '

    'Saskia, you're thirty years younger than me, and I'm not quite as red-blooded as I once was.' 

    'And?' she demurred, with the slightest fear he may be trying to call it quits; some conscience or other finally getting to him. 'What do you mean, that I'm not satisfied... or think you're past it... or what?'

    He didn't address the question but came out with; 'You're so beautiful.'

  Now it was her own heartbeat's turn to wallop. Dreading his next words would start with a but, she gave them no chance to formulate. Sitting fully upright, arms hugging knees, she made her demand: 'Right, Raptor - spill! You've been unusually quiet and distant today - what's on your mind?'

    Sighing, he sat upright. 'I've had quite a rough night, struggled to get to sleep. Got a late call saying a friend I often played golf with was rushed to hospital. He died early this morning.'

    The words, thank fuck formed ashamedly in her head, putting any menacing fear she had to instant rest. 'Aw, Dad. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say?'

    'Och, you never knew the man, Saskia. I've been trying not to let it spoil our day, but it was a bit of a shock.'

    'What happened?' she asked tentatively.

    'Heart attack. Hit the deck like a ton of bricks. Fifty-five.'

    'Bloody hell,' she said - rather unhelpfully.

    Attending funerals was something that increased with age, but losing this friend gave him sudden grounds to question his own longevity, how his own demise would come about. Choosing the right roads into old age is important, has a bigger bearing than simply what the milometer reads. Neil knew all this, and took rather good care of himself.  Dodging death long enough to get really wrinkly is fuelled on a made it to another day celebration for simply waking up of a morning. So while thoughts of his time coming to an end weren't quite giving him the screaming abdabs, he now had Saskia and their obfuscated tangle to consider in these latter years.

    'I'd dread to think where it would leave you now if the same happened to me, ' he openly admitted, imagining the fear Beverly must have felt at the worst point of her illness.

    His words splintered inside her at the thought. 'Oh, Dad...' she said in a strangled whisper, 'please don't think like that, we've all the time in the world yet.'

    'Have we?' 

    It was harder for someone of advanced years to really feel the same - especially with friends or family dropping like flies. To the young, a man in his late fifties was ancient anyway. While they had their whole lives ahead of them, he had retirement looming.

    'Look,' she sighed, 'you know mum's doing really well now, she's expecting the all clear soon. And we both are always using the gym and the pool here - you're as fit as a fiddle, got first-class medical care, so as long as the pair of you don't peg it on the same day, I'll still have the ruddy other!' She gave him a shoulder bump. 'Okay?'

    'Sure', he gave her a wistful smile.

   'I know your friend's death must be playing on your mind, but it's the other stuff that's a puzzler. Where's all this insecure bollocks coming from?' 

   Part embarrassed, he flung his head back onto the pillow and rubbed his hands over his face. 'I do feel my age with you sometimes, Saskia, plus I kind of pushed you into it there, came onto you.'

   Throwing herself back on the pillow Saskia roared to the ceiling, fingers grasping her hair frustration. Then with a laugh, she rolled on top of him, hands clasped over his chest, chin resting on them. Neil could feel his penis press against her belly. Ten, maybe even just five years ago, he'd be ready for another session this soon. While he probably had had his weekly fill, he worried she may not have.

  'You really are on a roll with this age thing today, aren't you?' she looked him solidly in the eyes. 'Listen to me now, Raptor. You're gonna change as the years pass, of course you are, we all do, but that didn't stop me getting the hots for you.  And so what if you get a few more crinkles, or fingers get a little more crooked, and things head south. Regardless of that, you still feel as warm and protective and alert. It doesn't matter what the packaging's like, or how old and battered the box may be as long as the gift inside pleases you. 

    'And... ' she added - poking him in the chest to make sure he was getting this before rolling off him again to lay straight, 'as for Miss Foo-Foo down there... ' She lifted the duvet and pointed towards her crotch, '... she don't know the difference between old wood and young, but she ain't got no complaints, and she's had some wood in her short time... '

    'Aye, an Amazon Forest's worth... '  

    'Oi!,' she protested, and dug him playfully in the ribs, delighted that his sanguine side seemed to have made a return. 'Cheeky sod!... Actually, you may be right... but, you don't necessarily need skin like suede, or be ripe for the picking to make someone happy. For fuck's sake, stop giving yourself all this hairless hassle, man!'

   'You have a peerless way of putting things, lady, 'cause I've got a full head of hair,' he told her, but still got the loopy gist of what she meant, 'c'mere.' And just when he enfolded her back into his arms for some silent warmth, the garrulous one piped up again;

    'And don't be scared to come onto me, or tell me if you're not up for it. I mean, we're not by any means a typical couple, but you're still my lover and it works both ways.'

    He gave a sigh, 'I know, but I don't want you to ever feel I'm pushing it. I always wanted to take things at your own pace, at your call. That's why I prefer to— '

   'To let me initiate, spark things up, I get it.' She realised this a while ago, and hadn't fully concluded why. Maybe it was the age thing, or just his preferred thing, or maybe it helped to assuage any guilt that she shouldn't be in his bed at all.  'Please don't feel bad just because you needed me today. Adults finds solace in sex, it's what our bits are there for.'

    Neil clasped her to him even tighter. Sometimes her piffle could make ridiculous sense to him. 'I love you,' he needlessly reminded her. 

    'I love me too,' she reminded him. Snuggling even cosier onto his chest, living in this ageless moment, she listened to the contented pound from under his ribs. 'Your heart's beating away as happy as Larry - whoever that bloke is!' She gave a sharp intake of breath and suddenly sat up and looked up at him. 'Your friend wasn't called Larry, was he?' 

    Giving a short laugh, he clarified he wasn't.

    'Good.' She rested her head back down again. 'I could lie like this forever - no cock's included.'

   'Ah, that's good to know!' he said in mock agreement at her inept way of clearing up the shit in his head.

   

So Neil had had a near-tears day. The death of his friend had brought the synapses of his brain into  sentimental overdrive which his sweet, young, near-constant companion helped him through; essentially his tube of nonsensical solvent.

   What he never broached when with her, and always stopped himself from facing though, was all those tucked away fears and facts. And if any tried to surface, all he had to do was remind himself that they were made of skin, bone and feelings just as everyone else. Wasn't that what always she said? And under the guise of a safe and sane father and daughter, all they had to do was live their lives on the outside world's terms, so what did it matter if  they shared concerns and a bloodline indoors? It was strictly their business. Wasn't it?

           end of  ***POSITIVITY***

 

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