To Save On Ink

To save on ink
I think I'll sink
into a jar of water
And read instead
to save on lead
at Dictionary Corner.


Can't find the words, 
it's too absurd
for what I'd like to say, so
I'll engross myself
upon this shelf
and wile away the day

Don't think I'm rude, 
because I'm nude
it makes me calm and mellow
Just leave me there
without a care
until the water's yellow!  
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Back Soon

I am taking a bit timeout to just doddle away and set a new layout for Blogger. It has been a bit of a hectic time lately and my brain just isn't coping with meantime functions, so my Magpie's and mestuff are on simmer for now. By Sunday they should all be better!  I'm also trying to get some control and confirmations.of the summer charity gig that is very gently in the workings...!  Back Soon - so try not to lock the door, else I won't get in...........!!!

On A Non-commision Mission

Got up a bit later today to GingerJesus actually ironing!  Not the huge mound that my armchair was struggling to hold but his tee-shirt for work.  He has a part-time job at Tesco's to help boost his lager and studies ventures and to give my purse some well deserved relaxation. 

The role he has at work (as well as a checkout bloke) is green awareness and to promote their 'Help The Rainforest' customer campaign.  With the amount of bog roll he goes through, he's a ruddy hypocrite! 

Later on I decided to pay a little visit as I hadn't yet been in the shop causing trouble since he started.  He stood shaking his head by the till as I followed my single pack of chewing-gum up the conveyer belt and handed over a £20 for it. Bless him, he even said 'Have a crap day', in a low voice and gave me a wink! Talking of which - I noticed in one of the impulse buy shelves at the tills that they had packets of Imodium on sale, which sort of bamboozled me. I mean, you've either got the shits or you haven't.

On my way out I was accosted by a bloke trying to sell me cable television, phone, broadband and other commissioned-waged-desperado measures. I told him no thank you,  I was happy enough with my Etch-A-Sketch. That shut him up. 

Sadly, my venture did not end in joy as my chocolate Malteser Bunny addiction is getting harder to feed now Easter is over. I've tried Freddo Frogs bars and Minto Sheep ones but the hit just isn't the same!  Hey-Hoe!  Have a lovely weekend! 

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No Fringe Just Cringe Benefits

 This daft little poem was inspired by my beautiful and totally tapped daughter, Kerri, who was up from London with her hubby for a visit. She gave me an impromptu haircut during her stay and it wasn't bad at all! In her dental surgery it's important to work with a steady hand yet Kerri was let loose on my hair after a few voddies  (for her!) and the result lies below:  Yes, I did cut Kerri's fringe myself in the pic and bless her, she could easily have had her revenge for such a disaster...lol
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My one and only baby girl
Got my hair and heart all in a twirl
We shared the shower every day
Shampooing all our woes away

We'd comb each others tangles free
I'd tug  (she'd shrug) upon on my knee
Sometimes we would plait our hair
A tricky, sticky, wet affair

Banana clips and pony tails
Ringlet look that never fails
Ribbons of the lacy kind
Were always very hard to find

Drama as the school admits
An epidemic -  lice and nits!
Bone combs, creme foams, scalps that throb
It never was a pleasant job!

Scrunchies, bunches, bands and bows
A fringe that hides both eyes and nose!
Short and spiky, long again
Purple every now and then

Blow drying was a nightmare too
My face took on vermilion hues
Brushes stuck in my dry nest
Conditioners all failed the test!

A few years on, we'd sit adjacent
Heads stuck in a silver basin
Bubble permed to our delight
We must have looked a proper sight!

Tying, dyeing, styles of yore
Are what our memories cater for
What better way to cringe and share
Than awful pictures of our hair

Kek, you sparkled all the way
Tiara on your wedding day
But this will always make me cringe
Can you forgive me for that  fringe?......

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Hotel India - Video Stills

My older son's band Hotel India is in the middle of filming their next video, but I managed to hunt down a few stills from the company.  My sidebar is now bereft of both my sons' videos and tracks  as I'm hoping to run a Blogger website for each band as their popularity in the central belt of Scotland is on the increase. I have left Facebook links above and for No Need For Idols - my younger son's band  here as well as sidebar badge links.  All videos are still on my Bits Down The Side  blog for now.

The director is working hard and with wonders with them as this video has an actress from uni drama, and a stalking storyline so it'll be a little more gritty than their past ones.  Anyhow my lad (PrettyBoy) the handsome drummer  is actually performing here 50 feet high in the rocks and no doubt crapping it!

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The Marquis Daughter

(At first glance the prompt looked like someone painting the town red so I kind of stuck with that theme!)

What was it, father, what was it you said?
"When you're older I'm hoping you'll paint the town red."
No-one knew for a dead cert that he'd been the one
to start all the riots and burgundy 'fun'.

Marquis of Waterford to all his friends
All loyally knowing he was round the bend!
Upstanding and well dressed, a royal delight, with a
ruby raw tendency he would benight

He'd gather his cronies and gladly construct
partaking  in mania, flout, then destruct 
A reprobate, hooligan, inviting duels
living off red while he's nobody's fool

Out in long scarlet coats, silk stockings too
these red gutter-bullies awaiting for you!
Painting all doors and the low window frames
leaving their trade marks in streaky acclaim

Around Melton Mowbray in garish vermilion
charging exploits of  placebo civilians
A spread and a spree, an offer to mauley
hands looking like silk leaves but stabbing like holly.

The Mad Marquis tainted by some other brush?
Reputed a title with turpentine crush
Could this man be elusive - a myth or a fact?
A fitting identity of Spring Heeled Jack

I guess under one colour, tainted the same,
we'll reach equal madness and shady disdain, but.....
What was it, father, what was it you said?
I wonder who was first to paint the town red?

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I Interrupt My Catching Up............

.........To Bring You This:

 

( Video NOT the same as the sidebar one I had up, just a few stolen moments from it!)

My younger son (GingerJesus/Adam /drummer) and his fellow band mates have a debut video  now released.  The track, What's Become Of Me is chosen from their hit EP and the video shots compiled from various venues and studios. Once again, I give you No Need For Idols:

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Maniac Attack!!

I shall be gone for a few days as my amazing and crazy daughter and her equally as tapped husband are up for a visit. I'll get round to your Mags soon. But for now....Kerri and James - take it away:

Crunched

Passing by
Those petals of yesteryear
Tapping at the innards
No clear protection

There she was
Reborn and open, crisp to the day
Anomalous 
Swept onwards on a breath of  clutter

Who supposed she would appear?
Hatchlings by God's own doing?
As curates turn in different directions
Avoiding shells


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S'no Funny!

A week ago today in Scotland, and recorded for the first time, the weather delivered a very freaky 74°F in the month of March.  It lasted for around 5 days and the summer-desperados lolled about in shorts, crop tops, flippin' - flops and such attire, planted bulbs and early bedding plants and had barbeques despite it getting dark by 7.30pm.  Today, I awoke to this:

As the day progressed, the flakes got bigger and although persistent didn't lay, but there was a viciously cold wind accompanying them. Hills and highlands do have a few inches and tonight it is to plummet to -3° C.  

Now, I'm a sun-dodger by nature. Don't like the summer if it's dry and hot and I longed to shout at some of the deluded who thought it was 'great that summer had come early this year'  to go check the forecast or their sanity.  Yes, the wacky weatherman was right, we were in for some snow, albeit a dusting. 

This is Scotland not the Pyrenees........but, wait a minute....there's a turn up....... what's that I see yonder? Yup! I'm pretty sure that's a snow leopard in them thar hills.........! 
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Nesting Natalia

I am not looking, if I do, I'll cry
In this place where the lives and the colours belie
You dragged me away from my safety, my shell
Dragged me away to this shoreline of Hell

Where sunsets are vying for everyone's love
No proclivity here to go thanking above
Clouds can crash angrily, as they desire
Keep fuelling a rage, never logging the fire

Where are the roses and little girl's scrawl
That we used to find hiding in bits of the wall
I still need my night-light, the sound of the town
A convoy of traffic to calm my nerves down

I need altercations with most of my friends
Skirmishes, tirades to the bitter end
This silence is killing, horizon of hate
Please take me home, Father, before it's too late

Can't anyone listen, anyone see
Lift me, assuaging upon your knee
Sometimes the decision, for grandeur and wealth
With it's breaths crisp and clear isn't good for your health

We don't need sunny climates or foreign debates
Appraisal from big-wigs whom everyone hates
Just let me languish and breath in foul air
I'll take my chances, do the same from your chair.

I can't look from the window, if I do, I'll cry
Watching the contrails consuming the sky
Picturing, pondering, a journey full blown
You in your paradise, me in my home.

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Tiggy-Tags and Sunny Hags

 As the undisputed Queen of 'getting there eventually' (and often not at all!) I am now about to answer the meme from the wonderfully talented and delightfully dippy Thingy on Saturday.  I am doing this for fun mainly.  I love reading others' answers to meme's. Some don't like them but I think they are a fabulous and  quick way to really get to know others. So here I honestly go (I'll try not to offend anyone!).

Attention: I have copied and pasted the wrong Q's!  These were the ones SENT to Thingy!  I'll get the right ones tomorrow! Doh! It's all this freaky weather's fault!
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1) Q: What is your first memory?

     A:  My twin sister and I were spending the day with my dad and my mum got home to us smearing the windows with butter as my dad was out in his beloved garden! About 2 we were.

2) Q: If you had a camera as a child, what was your favorite photo?

     A:  I can remember having a view-finder as a child, and loved the 3D images. But I was cat mad even back then so any moggy would likely have done!

3) Q: What is your favorite meal?

     A:  Lamb Korma (from my local Indian - no other can touch it!) with Häagen-Daz Pralines and Cream Ice Cream to follow.  I'd happily live on that menu forever!

4) Q: What super power would you like to have?

    A:  One with invisibility.  I'd love to sneak into a GP's surgery and listen to what they really say - and write - about people in their files after they've gone. The word 'neurotic' must be in mine somewhere!

5) Q: What is your favorite junk food?

A:  Oh, my! Jelly Babies or Pear Drops.

6) Q: What book are you reading now?

     A:   Ignore the one I have on my sidebar - I gave up on that!  I'm actually reading one called Dog House by Gina Moxley.  Found it under my son's bed (a place I rarely visit!) so got into it quite by chance.

7) Q: Do you have a personal hero/heroine?

     A:  Two female and one male. Debbie Harry - whom I've loved forever and my guilty pleasure - Judge Judy. Ain't missed an episode in 15 years. She's flawless and reduces kids to tears in seconds. Wonderful viewing! My dad was my real hero, but Brett Anderson and his fabulous lyrics come a close second despite my dad calling him 'that Jessie with the floppy hair!'



8) Q: Your favorite city, and why?

     A:  London. Mainly because my baby girl lives and has married and settled down there. Kerri resides in the quieter part of Buckinghamshire but takes me into the heart of London. It's manic, fast, full of weirdos, has Camden and bits of Banksy all over the place! I'm a real town girl.  She though, has not long returned from New York!
 
9) Q: What is your favorite movie of all time?

     A:  Sweet Hostage. A made for TV film from 1975 starring a young Martin Sheen (his sons never did share HIS youthful good looks) and an even younger Linda Blair. All about a mental patient who escapes and kidnaps/rescues a chore riddled teenage girl and takes her away to his Xanadu in the mountains!  He loves poetry and proppur grammur and fings and while trying to teach her values in life, they end up lovers. I could watch this film on a daily basis and I never fail to cry at the end. Not available in shops ( but my brother could download a bootleg copy for just £4 ) but it is on youtube. It'll break ya heart, guy!  Some stills:

Harold and Maude, The Luzhin Defence, and Lolita all run a close second.

10) Q: Do you, or don't you like to camp, and why?

      A:  I effing-well hate it!  Lest it be for a festival you won't catch me on grass for long - not even my own garden!  Camping is boring, creepy, and I end up with all sorts of winged insects in my hair! God - even when I went fishing with my hubby (at the start) I needed wine, guitars, walkman, books, puzzles, anything to break the monotony.  No. If I'm going to be a boring git, I'll do that in luxury.

11) Q: Could you give up your car?

       A: Quite easily as I don't drive but I think my hubby would have something to say about it!

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To end this post, I have to comment on the recent weather.  Parts of Scotland have today broken the record for having the hottest March ever.  It has reached 74° which is just nuts!  

Desperado's will have gone and swapped over the winter wardrobes and boots for flip-flops ect.  By 7.30pm the temperature plummets back to normalish and it gets dark.  This is to last until the weekend and now that a butterfly or two and DC10 bees have made a deluded appearance has only added to the sun-worshippers' mania. 

 Last year we had snow in March.  That's more like it. There's an old Scottish proverb that goes: 'Nae cast a cloot till May be oot.'  which more or less means don't trust it's summer until it's June.  And I can tell you, buddy, putting those ice-scrapers to the back of the garage is perhaps a little premature. I'd bring them back to the easy-reach box near the door the next time you get that lawn mower out!
 ***********************************************************************************************************        Thingy's Ones:

 
1) Where's the creepiest place you've ever been and why?
  
   An old school friend's house for a stop over. Her mother said two monks appear in her bedroom some nights. She also was very fond of brandy so I didn't totally believe her. I kept my eyes open all night nonetheless!.


2) If  you could change your accent, what would it be?

I'd love to speak with an Irish accent. I helped my son with this accent for his drama exam and held a fairly convincing tongue!



3) Have you ever Paid It Forward?

Not sure what this is to be honest, but I've certainly  'paid in advance' on a number of occasions! 

4)  You can only save one  Davinci's Mona Lisa or Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'?

I'd save old ear-slicer!  His artwork amazes me. I've had so many prints over the years. My fave is the sunflowers.

5)  Do you carry an emergency pack in your car? What's in it?

I certainly do. Two plasters, 2 lip gloss, one eyeliner, mints and a nail file!

6)  If you were given a five minute shopping spree, where would you go?

The Yankee Candle store. We have a small unit in our shopping centre and I spend ages just sniffing the fragrancies.  Some beautiful concoctions and they last. It's a fairly small shop so I reckon I could clear the place out in my five minutes!

7)  Bungee jump or hot air balloon?

Hot air balloon!  With the size of my boobs, a jump may turn into an injury rather than fun, so I wouldn't risk it!

8)  What is your favourite restuarant and why?

The Gulnaar Restuarant in town.  It has the best Korma sauce in the world! 

9)  If you could switch lives with someone for just one day, who would it be?

Simon Baker's wife!

10) Did you have a mentor and do you still stay in touch?

Quite simply my father was. I miss him so much.

11) If you could only eat one food item for one whole week, what would you chose? 

Haagen-Daz Pralines and Cream ice cream.


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Flipping Mirror!

The most trusted friend I had was you
solely hanging in the loo
Lighting up above the sink
framed in bright flamingo pink

Helped as I made up my face
a lipstick kiss I'd soon erase
Little Miss Perfect in reverse
winks and pouts we would rehearse

You saw my tears and shared my shame
agreed, I won't do that again!
Unladylike from pees to vomit
zooming out me like a comet!

Heard my secrets and my farts,
got zit-popping down to an art
I'd bounce about in naked pride
and sing most ghastly as I dried

Then came the thought to rearrange,
a few rooms - some domestic change
I fancied you out in the hall
t'was not a clever move at all

Looking pale and feeling shitty,
no longer sharing in my pity
Every time I went to tinkle
I never noticed that deep wrinkle!

I've never changed my diet of late
yet you indicate I've put on weight!
Beauty should come from within
but I'm worried by that double chin!

Does my dress cling on this tight?
I must have looked an awful sight!
My hair's not doing as it's told
all waves and knots and uncontrolled

My senses ask, is this a farse?
Just look at the size of that arse!
I should be gorgeous but can see,
you won't co-operate with me!

You're dull and hard and can't reflect
A two-faced friend with low respect
Back in the bathroom, so it seems
Or you'll find yourself in smithereens! 

♫ Rubbed Down With A Velvet Glove ♫

When I saw this picture uploaded on Facebook recently (courtesy of my sister-in-law)  I was touched. Even wiped away a tear. It was well over 30 years that I last saw the snap, but remembered it nonetheless. Here I stand with my twin sister and an older friend called Diane Watson. We often sang as a trio, in schools, residential homes, parties, ect. Our harmonies for ones so young were always praised. 

Our biggest thrill was the year we entered (and won) the summer annual talent contest which was hosted in our town's historic Callendar House grounds.  I am struggling to find the winning article and picture in our local rags' archives, and an ever bigger struggle seeking Diane via Facebook!

The song was I Hear Singing (And There's No-one There) and we sang the outro in triple harmony to the massive parks' visitors. I'm not 100% sure of which musical it's from - although Call Me Madam springs to mind.  Here's the original song from 1953 with Donald O'Connor and Ethel Merman in a delightful clash of grace and gravel vocal tones. See......told you my musical youth wasn't all Bay City Rollers and The Osmonds dominated. 



ps...anybody want to harbour a guess as to which twin I am?
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Time Stopper

Wind the land in contemplation         
Seeking those we've lost to light
A colourful imagination
Dawns across with anxious might

Grab the handle, steer the motion
Jam the workings, still the night
Look around with steel devotion
No fluxation, sound or sight

Wasn't it said in communion
Only trust in certain plight
While sea and land still share a union
Fear not for a life contrite



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The Booby Trap and Other Crap

I've been a bit down since the phone call from the hospital saying that there is a suspicious area that the sonographer and consultant both wondered about at my last visit but didn't want to worry me with it at the time until they had consulted each other again. Ironically, the needle biopsy came back clear, all safe and well and the little lump is just a passing visitor. He should be gone completely in a few weeks. Now the radiographer wants a needle-core biopsy to remove cells from a lumpy area that I never even knew I had. It's concerning lymph nodes or the likes by my right breast armpit.  What a buggering pest.......!  Most of the time they are benign but just in case.  I thought I'd said tatty-bye-bye to all the poking and prodding, too. Hey-hoe...! It has, however, made me more determined to keep abreast of the charity night's developments  Yes, that cringe-worthy pun WAS on purpose.

Having no internet connection has been a pain as well.  My suppliers - Virgin - had an area fault around ten days ago. The whole of the neighbourhood's internet  was down  for 24hrs and guess whose connection was the only one not to be accepted again by their modem....?  I have to receive a refund but if there is no huge bunch of flowers or money-off tokens from my next balloon trip, I'll be furious!!!

The one and only thing that has lured me out into the social world this past fortnight has been my youngest son's debut band appearance at Scotland's most sought after venue Not every act gets to grace that stage - you must prove your worth first.  I don't know what it is about King Tuts in Glasgow, but it really does bring the best out in performers and the fans.  I loved the rapport between both. What makes it even more special is finding reviews and video's from some-one you don't know bigging them up on Blogger.  Thank you, Caitlin for this: 

http://caitlingenoeglasgowmusic.blogspot.com/

Oh, Mammoria - Let Me Go.....!

The second stage of my breast lump investigation is now over....phew!   I had all 3 examinations in one (long) afternoon which is still excellent service.  I speak not a word of a lie when I say the mammogram was ruddy well sore, the biopsy stung like the clappers (they were short staffed so I agreed to the procedure without anaesthetic !) but by the soothing voice and touch of the sonographer at my ultrasound, all was forgiven.  She was a young lass with beautiful Asian features - and spoke with a soft Scottish accent - and we were talking music in no time!  I just hold tight for 6 weeks on results, lest they call me back sooner.

I have to admit - sitting in a room with women of all ages, some with breast cancer, some similar to me, and others for check ups -  I was truly humbled.  The girl next to me, who I'd been chatting away with had 3 of a family, her youngest was 8, she was barely 40 and fighting a cancerous tumour.  All that time we sat conversing, I had no idea she was wearing a wig.  It was only when she had to adjust it a bit at the back that she mentioned it.  Gobsmacked I was - it was the double of my daughter's hairstyle, colour and all!   Incredibly natural.  Everyone agreed that treatment and aftercare are so advanced these days,  that it made for a more positive outlook.  But even I, with my less than 5% chance of this being cancer, still can't shake off the the possibility factor. 

Anyhow, I was glad to get home and needed a day or two's rest just to get over the afternoon's hullabooby-loo. And I knew things were back to normal when PrettBoy asked how my hospital apps went and then added for true measure:

  " Did you remember to tell folk that I programme the robots there?"

  "Of course, son....." I added,  "I would have been a right (or left ) tit to have forgotten.  Now get the kettle oan!"
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Never Mind The Tin Opener......

I've tried to work out Warhol
what was in his muddled mind
Neon psychobabble
from the rude to the refined


Faces radiating, 
all intent and all aglow
Ghastly colours clashing -   
not quite Rembrandt or Rousseau

I like to view my idols 
in the way the Lord intended
Not skin of blue and hair of green
Some may feel quite offended

Oh, how he took the famous
faces of the silver screen
And brought them out uniquely
for his final act or scene

Historic buildings captured,  
wild bristles are a woven
He tells his tale so vibrantly 
'bout Einstein and Beethoven 


And did you know he took bright hues 
and very coarsely painted
our Majesty the Queen on high -  
Philip nearly fainted!
  
Colours bursting everywhere
his senses in a spin
Just opened up a cupboard - 
and the subject lay within
 
Bananas, ice cream, lobster -
tins of Campbell soup
Was inspiration overdrive - 
a goody-foody scoop!

Sam the cat, pandas,  pigs - 
there's very little cuter
Or easier when he soon learned 
his way round a computer!!


Now art is something you nor I 
may never know at all
But a 'famous' oxidation stain 
that's running down your wall?

I really think that art is sometimes
held in high contempt
And opinions clash forever
no true artist is exempt...but


Who am I to judge at all, 
or drink from the same cup?
May not be 15 minutes 
but I think my time is up.

So please enjoy the song below
from my heroine - Ms. Harry
In tribute here to Andy
for a lifetime quite contrary


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