April 14, 2014

The Philandering Feline

Attitude selfish, appearance first class
bringing you down with a tongue full of sass
Immaculate jacket, no hair out of place
conceited and cruel written over his face

Slowly he moves with his feline-like bones
staying well clear of we common unknowns
Spending his day as he solely sees fit,
watching with green eyes scrunched into a slit

Sycophant-ready, used for his own gain 
you're a cast aside trophy he won't need again
Forcing commands and insisting on now
you daren't deny, disagree, disavow

So why then be loving, this master of pride
lulling you from both the in and outside 
A warm armchair manner, an equal respect -
leaving a lasting dejected affect 

Slinking off from you on night-ego trips
giving you both disrespect and the slip
Meandering round leaving scent from his pores
scratching out eyes while contending for whores

Morning now sees him home, needy for rest
to muster and gather and to reinvest
As this big-shot and cumbersome cat-got-the-cream
juices up on importance and rich self-esteem.......................

This  Mr. I Only  should so get a pet
to care for and learn from, with character set
Where love's unconditional, loyalty lies
where you're nothing but perfect in their almond eyes

A little affection, a nice meal or two,
a spot on the king bed curled up next to you
Some stroking and grooming, a thick fireside mat
a best friend forever - a cool kitty cat!

April 10, 2014

Hanks - God For Beauty Pageants

On my insomnia nights, I channel hop like an eedjit.  Lately, I've been watching the beauty pageant show Toddlers and Tiaras.  Not quite up on the show I've just come to realise what it entails.  Basically, it's letting little girls (sometimes boys) learn that beauty and perfection is first and foremost in life.  Life is a competition of looks to which  you must comply. To reach such a point you must cake on make up, undergo fake tanning, hair bleaching, teeth bleaching, nail extentions and wear teeth partials if need be.  False eyelashes are mandatory.  All this is topped off with ridiculous Dynastyesque hairpieces or hot rod mega-curls!  Just the beginning.

Of course, it's really about women (usually fat)  living their lives vicariously through their child.  Numb-skull women, who you'd think must hate their daughter's, by forcing them to wear vomit-inducing sequin dresses (with a stupid looking Tudor ruff doubling as a skirt).  Later, these make-up ravaged kids are forced to perform on stage like deranged chimps, off their nut on sugar highs, terrified of putting a step out of place lest they face the wrath of mother, who couldn't give a shit what their poor snotty-nosed, crying baby is crying for as long as it doesn't make her mascara doesn't run.

It's all covered up, mind you, under the  'I'm merely supporting my child's hobby'  category and nothing to do with exploiting them for their own crass and fucking selfish purposes.   I've seen mother's cussing each other off, calling other children ugly, reducing themselves to bribery (often a puppy or kitten as the lure) as long as they score high by the judges.  Points will be taken off for  'not being sparkly enough'   'the dress being too long / short by an inch'    'not looking the judges in the eye'    'turning too quick'    'dropping the forced smile for a second as lip muscles were about to stick' .  Utter tripe like that.  The berating of their kid for such shitting meaningless bollocks borders on abuse!

My biggest objection to all this tripe is the sexualisation of the young contestants.  There have been themed pageants where even  pre-school age kids have dressed as a prostitute (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) as sex symbols Marilyn Monroe,  Beyonce,  Britney Spears and Madonna - with added cone breasts.  Scantily clad  is part of life, yes, but not for tressing and dressing up baby dolls who don't have a fucking clue who they are meant to be.  They've had a coach teach them how to gyrate and copy quite risque dance moves.  One little kiddy  was thrown onstage, with a false cigarette in her hand, doubling as Sandy from Grease and her mother's last words of encouragement before she went on stage :

                                       'Don't forget to smoke, babe!' -

                                               She was four fucking years old!!

The makers of Toddlers and Tiaras do still cater and film the negative and somewhat emotional side of things.  Each show, from the few I've watched anyway,  there is often objections to the length the mother's go to, to do them up like a dumb arsed show horse.  Some just want to go home, want it over with as they're exhausted and merely want to play with other kids around.  Some older girls are quite competitive and in fear of failing.  Some poor little gits are already beginning to shape-shift into their certifiable mothers.  My fascination lies in those children who talk to their mothers and helpers like shit.   You can't help but to see them as bastard demanding little demons from the sparkly gutter!  God, if I'd spoke to my mother like that......!  And don't even start me on the cost of the average pageant!  PUT THE MONEY AWAY FOR YOUR KID'S FUTURE EDUCATION, I shout out loud. Then again, some have the money for both.  I'd be curious to see how a pageant forced child copes with later in life school.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with girls being girls.  I love it when my daughter is up and I've some female company for a spell, where it's all make-up, perfume, shoes and stuff.  I used to love my niece's visits where she had me looking fabulous in minutes.   Sparkly purple eye shadow on one eye, green on the other,  mega-orange cheeks and bright red lippy!  Then she'd comb my hair into her own (tuggy) unique style where the comb often got lost.  Sometimes she'd brings her crowns to play princesses.  We were worm-snapping Princesses of The Back Garden but hey! - that's still a title!!   If I asked her to choose her  Outfit of Choice, her ultimate choice would be mud-covered anything with (more often without) wellies and her Grand Supreme reward would be a jar full of tadpoles.    Because she, unlike these poor little sods, had a bit more option and scope of the world.  Sure, competition is healthy but it's important to know when to draw the line.

This parody by Tom Hanks is amazingly funny and so, so politically correct!  Watch it through.  It's a winner!


April 06, 2014

Dust To A Widow

I'm not too happy with this attempt - bit of a struggle this week for me.  I'll probably edit it later but thanks for reading anyhow!

Promises linger and sing room to room 
the heart of a lover that's taken too soon
Echos of yesterdays bring down their plans
erased by a reason she can't understand 

Heart pounds with anger,  teardrops that burn
his ring on her finger and life in an urn
A carry on promise she may have to break
as guilt reconsiders its choice to forsake

Then the sun sneaks inside using multiple rays
dancing around in irregular ways
His voice whispers find me she feels him around
particular particles - sight with no sound

Inhaling strongly, then closing eyes tight
comforted vision as day turns to night
An all around piece of him left in the flat
no other feet wiped on their coir welcome mat

Gently she carries him down to the sea
keeping the promise of what was to be
Back home all the windows are opened up wide
and soon there's no need for the the widow to hide


April 04, 2014

Another Vine Day At The Surgery (April)

 Weekly antics at my daughter's Dental Surgery......remember to click a corner for volume.

This Week:    Hair-raising mayhem:

"Never ask your work colleagues to do your hair.........!


March 30, 2014

Tatts The Way I Like It

First thought: Tattoos. Especially with those legs!  I'm not a fan of them - especially on women, although places as the small of the back, nape of the neck, high on the thigh are discreet enough.  Bold ones down arms and shoulders and legs look like bruises from a distance and spoil the look of some clothes - especially summer outfits. It's a personal choice but there are so many regrets following them!   My second poem comes from personal experience. I was gonna kill my daughter that day!!   My older son's covered in them!  Well, he's got 3 but 2 are quite big....!

From paper to skin then on view to the world -
rubb-a-dubb hard as you can
You'll never get rid of that bless├Ęd tattoo
you're stuck with that git of a man!

Perhaps then with more inky winky -
change his face into somebody new
A heart-throb or family member?
Sometimes any old bugger will do!

Nope. You're stuck with a prominent mug shot -
(like a bruise from a distance) it shows
That the artist made grave overshadows -
the eyes, bottom lip and the nose!
All the boyfriends that were sure to follow
took offence at that grinning buffoon!
Staring at them from over her shoulder
ending romance a tad-or-too soon.

My advice to the ladies who brave it
is to ink with some caution and choice
Or end up forever in long sleeves
break your heart or be fluid's rejoice!

Such bother to fix the offensive
by laser, or tainting more skin
Needle a lady-like crevice?
Better run well before you begin!

Don't Even Ink About It!

I found out that she was off abusing
her flawless skin with a tattoo.
A life-long and insane decision
without thinking of thinking it through !

Is it gonna be rude or revealing?
Something completely absurd?
Ended up being fairly artistic
by way of a cute ladybird !

As a mother it felt part assuring 
things turned out to be not so bad.
Till I found it was inked on her left boob -
first and last tattoo she ever had !  


March 29, 2014


The clocks in the UK go forward tonight - so that's a whole hour less for Mother's Day.  Yes, a whole hour quicker in receiving my Cards (most likely a bear theme as with most years)  shop-wrapped Chocolates or early Easter egg from late opening or early opening Sunday stores with now limited stock.  Flowers (from the overnight petrol station or neighbours' garden (depending on how drunk and brave they get).  They're far too scared to knock-off a cemetery in the dark or live with any 'consequent' hauntings  I might even be blessed with my older son bringing his wee growly doggie with him tomorrow to let ' Grunji ' (the mongrel equivilant of a granny) take him for walkies while the footie's on!  The dog know's  the routine you know!  The only saving grace will be the card that my daughter sends - she always put her heart into finding appropriate ones ......even if she does  use her work's stamp to post it!!

Oh, where have the days of self-made cards, ripped with glitter and pasta shells, the poems and messages - even the one where Adam apologised for not buying me a gun that year - and the daffodils and tulips picked nicked from the blind corner at the garden centre  from surrounding woodlands, gone?

If I'm not up by say, 3pm tomorrow,  just leave the stuff at my bedroom door guys........with the tray of breakfast goodie's and my Simon Baker DVD collection.  Ach! I love them really (the kids not the DVD's - that goes without saying).   Neecht Neecht........!

ps.......British 'summertime'?  Still keep your brass monkeys indoors or make sure they get an even heavier groin rub with Duraglit!

March 27, 2014

Oh, Sole Meme-O

I never managed to add my link for Sunday Stealing in time but I'm still gonna do the meme and perhaps up some interest in it for this coming Sunday  (which will be the UK Mother's Day!) so fun all round!
Anyhow -

1. Do you know triplets?
   No. But I am an identical twin so know a smidgen about multiplying!

2. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
    I'd have to say Titanic.  It still tackles my emotions after this long!
3. Have you ever eaten Indian food?
   Chicken and lamb korma with pilau rice is a fave of mine!
4. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?
   The Gulnaar - where I order my kormas from.
5. Who’s your favorite person in the world?
    My daughter.  She's as solid as a rock and the funniest little thing alive!
6. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
    I'm very much a town person.  Rural would eventually do my head in.  I need noise!
7. Can you whistle?
    I'm not good at it.  I've a wet chin at this very moment!

8. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
    Not on purpose, but I do nod off while reading sometimes, with the back of my husband's head propping up the book!
9. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
    Not every morning. Sometimes it rolls into brunch!
10. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
      LoL.  I rattle as I walk.  I've cheated death twice!

11. How many times have you been to the hospital as a patient?
      Countless over the years.  I have an existing medical condition that requires regular monitoring so I'll be back!
12. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
       Seen it, loved it.  I can't throw away the bath towel despite it being over 10 years now!

13. Where do you buy your jeans?
       High Street stores. Not fussed.
14. What’s the last compliment you got?
       From the ladies of the community centre. Just had my hair bobbed!

15. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
      Snippets of them. It's only the very very good dreams and nightmares I hang on to. I really should be jotting things down and try to analyse them.
16. What flavor tea do you enjoy?
       Just your basic, everyday tea leaves. Sometimes I try herbal and lemon.  Peppermint tea is really good for you, too!
17. What social media sites do you use?
      I have a Facepuke account but rarely visit there.  Blogger is the only one I'm faithful to....!!

And if anyone can make sense of this Vine below, then I take back calling my son a right weird eedjit!

"What WAS that all about...?  Answers on a postcard...........................

March 25, 2014

Come Back PrettyBoy

                                                                      Dedicated to my older son, who not so long ago
                                                                  flew away way, up a kye and landed in another nest. 
                                                                      He wasn't quite as bad as the poem makes out!  

Jeez - Oh! You've been sloppy, I don't understand
why your room was addressing your messy demand!

Where everything's tumbled and tangled in stead
headboard to sideboard and under the bed!

Ciggy-end ashtrays made up from all things -
soda cans mainly that leave sticky rings

Take-away boxes would grow their own crust -
how on earth did this room not implode or combust?!

Spilling the guts of the wastepaper bin
you're Adam's descending, original sin!

Those books and a couple of  'art '  magazines -
seems there's more than surroundings that's needing a clean!

That broken old shade with the light bulb amid
saw more of your room than fresh air ever did!

Plugs still alive with no item on charge
with telly and DVD giving it large!

Carpet strewn with your undies and work clothes each night
while the wash-machine struggles to keep up the fight

Your night-out clothes end up a right knotted mess -
smelling of musk and a need to confess.............'

Dusters, detergent's all under no quota
those frontiers of cleanliness wiped from your rota

Yet I'd still risk the danger, go down on my knees
to once again buy in blue cans of Febreeze

Your my messy-man-missing, a tidy-free nutter
perfecting the whole art of, taste, smell and clutter

How I wish I could hold you in long house arrest
to fill up my loss and this huge empty nest!


March 22, 2014

Adapting To Adopting

  My girl and her hubby have very much accepted that pregnancy, be it natural or fertility oozed, is not going to happen for them.   James has conquered testicular cancer and Kerri was given the diagnosis of her polycystic ovaries a few years ago.   Despite extensive and expensive treatment, the results have been disappointing and draining.

Recently, they passed phase one of their application for adoption.   I'm so very proud of them both for accepting their own unfortunate findings and still have the heart, love and longing for parenthood.   Then again, I kinda believe in miracles, too!  Love ya's!



March 20, 2014

Another Vine Day At The Surgery

Weekly antics at my daughter's Dental Surgery.........

This week:  How the girls spend a bit of spare Friday time constructively:


March 18, 2014

Breaking News

This evening, at approximately 6pm, Trevor McScrooge at last dealt with an ongoing follical crisis which resulted in him giving his wife a hair cut.   At least 6 inches of dead and split-end hair was taken from the length and bobbed into a far more manageable, slick style.  His wife, Helena, ( who threatened to take the scissors to her own hair) could hardly contain her excitement adding:

"Oh, my God!  Oh, my God! .........he succumbed!   I think the promise of giving him back his DVD collection unscratched may have helped!" 

Having this home cut saved £25, the price her closest salon would charge for the same hairdo.  McScrooge is considering what to get himself with the money, totally unaware that his wife is placing an order online for a pair of sale boots at this very moment.

This article will be substantiated via a new profile picture to be uploaded soon!


March 16, 2014

Laying Bare

Not being particularly Biblical, I've never seen this wonderful piece of art before, so my poem kind of incorporates Lent and Mary Magdalene - what the prompt said when it first spoke to me.   Hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Gathering for mouth and heart  grandeur to a new fine art
To many it may feel unjust,
without the greed and upper crust

The dawning days not made to last
while under Simon's roof amassed
A man's deceit and other voices,
burdening, eternal choices

Tables worn with wine and fever
still supply the disbeliever
Yet, cannot tell his learned friend
this feast, alas, draws near the end

Come, diner, with him sit around,
effeminate, or muscle bound
To read his soul and dine on grace
a vision never to efface

Cleanse and drying weary feet
feeling comfortably replete
Embittered though from heart to womb
she but a vessel to exhume

He carries love and condemns sin
yet wears her like a signet ring
Dining on both bad and good
he calls to feast but serves no food.........

In Simon's house they all were fed,
a revelation left for dead
Plates sit cold and goblets dry -
fills up the willing to comply


March 15, 2014

Another Vine Day At The Surgery (Dinner Break)

More antics from my daughter's Dental Surgery....:


March 13, 2014

Dear Adam

Dear Adam,

Next time your tie needs cleaning, will you please give it to me so I can hand wash it.  I've never struggled this hard trying to separate clothes from the machine since that stray pair of tights in the 80's!


March 10, 2014

No Place Like THIS Home!

Damn! Someone has gone and bought me
at the very lowest price
I thought my shambled, wasted look,
would make them all think twice!

Dear Lord! I'm being stripped again,
this new lot seem deranged!
Why can't they move in quietly,
without the need to change?

I'm happy doing nothing,
with my cracks and holes and damp
Why can't they all just slum it?
But oh no!  they must revamp!

They'll size me, analyse me,
top to tail me in cement
Pop a lid and grab some brushes -
charge with purposeful intent

What ruddy colour will they choose?
I'll end a sorry sight!
Lady pink or powder blue?
A ruddy wall hermaphrodite!

Or will they go the whole hog
and repaper me again?
I'll be shamed with giant flowers
getting blurry in the rain!

Will they cheapen me with basic?
Anaglypta? Wooden chips?
Nope, I'll get a roll that bounces
when you lift your fingertips!!

And for shiny, smooth fulfillment
they'll paint doors in all the rooms!!
Just to inhale hard on purpose
to get high on glossy fumes!

Once I'm dry, they'll likely hang me
with the tackiest of stuff
Or trust to me, a huge TV
till the rawl plug's  had enough!

Carpeting my floorboards
hanging swinging chandeliers
A ceiling so grand giving
Michaelangelo the fear!

And what's with all the mousetraps
(and odd scurry of the rat?)
My cute, freeloading tenants
will not ever fall that!

It may take another century,
abandonment and all
Dereliction calls, once 
renovation takes its toll

Be it pristine, neat and tidy,
cluttered, strewn and messed 
A home is where the heart is
where one's righteous and one's blessed


March 08, 2014

Another Vine Day At The Surgery

Another Vine entry recorded at my daughter's Dental Surgery.  Poor unsuspecting Zoe ( in the chair ) 'walks' right into this one:

                    "One of my female work co's won;t stop staring at my breasts!"


March 06, 2014

Mucky Dogs And Dubs

Earlier on today while taking my son's little tyrannosaurus rex  doggie a lengthy walk down the cricket pitch path, a van wooshed past, ripping through a muddy puddle and soaking us both in the process.

During my somewhat loud profanities, the van came to an abrupt halt with its hazard lights on around 50 yards ahead.
   A man of around forty came running towards me with a blanket draped over his arm.   Handing it to me to rub off the worst of the puddle stains, he couldn't have been any more apologetic.   A bush had been obscuring his vision on the slight curve, and assuming the road clear, sped on.

I accepted his apology, cleaned myself (and Hetfield the mutt) as best as, declined the offer of a run home (as I knew the dog wouldn't settle in the van) and felt a bit fortunate in the fact that most vehicles would simply have driven on regardless.  But, ahh................

It may be late, thirty-odd years late, but I hang my head in (a modicum of) shame, recalling the times my first boyfriend
and I went in his car, seeking out victims (not old dears or children) after heavy rainfall or melted snow and finding it hilarious.  I think we know which way I'll be heading if there's an afterlife..................


March 05, 2014

Meme and Youyoo

I have been coerced convinced to join a Meme blog. Despite being total strangers, I look forward to the weekly spot they have in some Woman's magazines. While I think they're fun and say a lot about someone, they can also contain some surprising, gasp-inhaled revelations, too.  But who cares?!

I may make it a regular feature over on my mostly fun-filled sister blog Quick Sticky Bits  depending on popularity and how the interaction goes.  As a warm up, I've been sent a few Q's chosen at random:

 1. What was the last thing you watched on TV? - Here's Comes Honey Boo Boo.

 2. When did you last laugh? - Roughly an hour ago at the above programme.  I've never seen anything like it!

 3. What kind of music do you hate most? - I hate heavy metal, especially Metallica.  And dare I say the drone of bagpipes!
 4. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? - Yes, clinging on like f**k to my big brother's torso along the motorway. First and last time ever!

 5. Where's the furthest away place you're ever been? - Valletta, Malta.
 6. Have you ever won a trophy? - Yes. A modern ballet award in High School. That's it! 

 7. What was the name of your first pet? - Piper the guinea pig!

 8. What do you think about the most? - My mind's a constant muddle, but my thoughts often stray to my daughter as I miss her so much.

9. What is your favourite time of the day? - Bedtime...!!

10. Where did you grow up? - Langlees in central Scotland


March 02, 2014

Lairs Of The Luter

Flawless notes draws the King from his shelter,
catching her breathing, her chest heaving hard
Sniffing around with his nose deep in fine hairs,
holding her there in instinctive regard

Her journey a strange one, with no set direction,
following moon beams that she deems a guide
Her lute is the only possesion she treasures,
performing for pittances, playing for pride

She dreams on the pure sands, hushed on by the waters,
contented though tired, inspired by each day
Listens intently till she hears the rustling,
closes her eyes, puts the lute down to lay

He hauls his huge body and settles beside her,
not giving a roar, nor a snore, or a sigh
Come morning her sleep-place is circled by paw prints,
his Highness has left without saying goodbye.......


February 28, 2014

Sochi Cum Curling

Here's my madcap daughter at her dental surgery with some of the other R.D.N's having a bit of post-Winter Olympics fun. It rarely feels like work while Kerri is around........!

 Vine videos are continuous but the sound disappears as soon as you scroll off the picture.  Volume in left top corner!


 " Bourne End winter Olympics - Curling On A Budget"