August 12, 2013

10 More Quotes I Recall.........!

 Over the span of my hum-drum life, I wished I'd documented every time I've either put my foot in it, or not given enough thought to what spills from my rather ill-timed  gob. Though-est would not believe it!   
                                                                                            ... .... For me, it's not uncommon to be gossiping or ranting, and the poor sod I've been insulting / pitying is either right behind me or within earshot.   I've had more egg on my face than Dove soap.  I still cringe at the thought of some of them but even with those that weren't too bad, I rathered I'd kept schtum!


1: Circumstance ~ While signing a sponsor sheet aiding a local sportsman going for a charity bunjee jump:

" Do we get our money back if the rope snaps...?"

2: Circumstance ~ As tensions were rising at the Battle Of The Bands final (in which my son's band was in the running ) to a woman in the ladies I thought I'd shared the band bus with:

" It'll be a travesty if that shaggy-haired dipstick's band wins! "

Her reply:

" They're called Love Over Gold.  I'm the bassist's auntie." 

3: Circumstance ~ Out girlie shopping with my sister I was being introduced to a friend of hers from work.


" Is your hair on purpose?" I asked of the rather impressive weave, while searching for other words to query if she had any special function to attend.

4: Circumstance ~ Bumping into his friend Craig coming out of a shop as we were passing, my son played the sympathy card and complained about a recent muscle strain in his back.  Craig asked how he injured himself and I butted in with:

" That's what he gets for trying to lick his own dick..."

Unnoticed by us, Craig's mum was sitting in her car, window down, just a few feet away.

5: Circumstance ~ At the funeral of a distant relative I was reunited with a childhood friend and despite the sad nature of the day, it was uplifting catching up with Moira.   I was mortified to recall next morning that on our way out of the venue I'd told the fresh widow that.....

" I've had a brilliant day......! "

6: Circumstance ~ during a rather tedious (mostly one-sided) exchange of hedge gossip with an uppity neighbour, my focus rested on her cat until she started to feel awkward as the moggie commenced licking her female parts.

" Oh, no need to apologise," I quipped, " if I could do that I'd never leave the house. "

The conversation petered out pretty soon after that and she doesn't seem to have time to stop and natter these days!


7: Circumstance ~  Apprehensively meeting my twin sister's in-laws for the first time  (who were sickeningly highly la-de-da, Victorian-value snoots ) I absentmindedly started to nibble on my fingernails until:

" P'tooo! " 

As my twin and Doreen chatted, I'd spat a teensy sliver onto her carpet.  It was loud enough to catch their attention as their eyes darted towards me but politeness seemed to make them continue in conversation.

8: Circumstance ~  A grandmother (I assume!) was pushing a double buggy / stroller around the supermarket - much to the delight of the babies - and they all came to rest at the fish counter beside me. Wearing shorts, red t-shirts and floppy-woppy hats, I knew who they put me in mind of:

"Which one's Bill and which one's Ben? "

Granny tutted, shook her head a little and continued her reply by pointing out one baby at a time:

" THIS one's Abigail and THAT one's Hannah "

Well, if it ain't wearing frills......!

9: Circumstance ~ Stuck at the lights along a busy bus route, I noticed the primary school kids were out.  One little chap made a beeline for a mucky puddle while practicing  rude gestures and soon had a girl's school satchel flung up a tree.  Having helped break the monotony of the bus journey, I disclosed rather loudly to my hubby that.....

"I just love watching wee boys coming home from school " 

Not the way I intended to praise the little gods of mischief but I hoped the commuters made light of it!

10:  Circumstance ~ my son PeaPod and his GF had returned from Xmas shopping and she whips out a floral number that resembles an apron from the 50's.

" Awe - your mum will look really nice in that..."

" It's actually for me," she quips, " for New Year!"

 *          *          *          *          *          *         

We'll all put our foot in it on occasions.  It's an unfortunate and cringe-worthy deed and I think George Herbert sums up the quote nicely with:

"Better slip with foot than tongue."  

This week's Magpie Tales entry is directly below this post and for those who fancy a bit of the other will catch me in these waters



richard said...

Dove soap? they still make that stuff?

Joyce Lansky said...

Better you than me. ;)

Thanks for the laugh.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

This post had me laughing my BUTT off this morning! I s'pose we all have opened our mouth without thinking a time or two (or 6 or 7 haha).

Geo. said...

I have never quite equaled your remark about Moggie's parts but my poor brain is a circus of wrong things said. Cathartic and hilarious post. Thanks!

Rob From Amersfoort said...

Very funny!