Secret (pt2)ch28

             Start of  ***SECRET***(pt 1)

🐦 She was a no show at the train station.  Friday night tumbled along the roads and pavements and Saskia still wasn't answering her phone.  People looked minute from the 18th floor, but he strained his eyes hoping to catch a glimpse of a platinum-blonde head bobbing among the multi-shades walking past below.

   It was 8.20pm and Brian, Neil's oldest friend from work - up for a document to take home - was surprised to see him through his glass box office, still fully suited and sitting perched on the corner of his desk looking miles away. He knocked once and entered. 

    'Alright there, Neil?' he inquired, noticing the fancy decanter of whisky on the table.  At work this usually indicated a problem or a long night.
     Neil swung his head round, unaware that Brian had crept up on him.  'Yes, just been a long day - you know.'

     'When are they never.  You seem a bit preoccupied, sure you're okay?'

     Giving a shrug, he sighed and replied. 'Could be better.' 

     Something must really be bothering him, Brian thought, as he noticed his tumbler was pretty full. A sudden and horrifying thought rushed to Brian's head and he reeled from the possibility.  'Not another lawsuit?' 

    He made it sound as if this was episodic, but the previous court case was a bit of a scary bastard. Luck (not bribery as the rumours went) only just rules in their favour. Had it gone the claimant's way it could very well have busted the department that Brian worked for.

    Neil gave a jerky little smile. 'Wish it was as simple as that but it's personal... stuff. Drink?'

    Brian raised a hand as shook his head just as something even worse flew to mind. As troubled as he looked there was no way he was touching, not even looking at Neil's balls for conformation of any bump or lump. 

     'Is it health related?' he asked nervously.

     'No. Still over the hill but doing okay.' He gave a smile at the relief on Brian's face.

     'So, what is it then, bud?'

     'Nothing you, or anyone, can help me with. Trust me, you really don't wanna know.'

      Brian was usually his sole confidante on anything personal or any company fuck-up, but he didn't like the manner in which this seemed to be heading.; telling him  he really wouldn't want to know made him all the more adamant to find out.

     'Do I have to keep reminding you that my father's a vicar, therefore I'm thick skinned too? I've heard all sorts - there isn't anything you can't say to me, you know that.' 

    'Believe me, this is off the scale.'

     'Have you murdered someone?' he asked sarcastically, starting to feel ticked off with his friend's reluctance to open up. 'Look, whatever's bothering you wants to come out otherwise you wouldn't even have hinted something was up.'

     Neil suddenly felt thankful of the male presence. Saskia had been his main company, main focus for so long now that he didn't quite consider how much of an impact this caused, how much he'd actually missed him.  But even so he averted his eyes and turned his head as he thought, but said he didn't want to burden him with this one. The decision did not go down well with Brian.

    'At least give me a clue to what it's about, man!' 

    Neil took a measured breath. This would be a bastard to put the right wording to,  but he didn't want to piss Brian about any longer; the man was committed now. 

   'It's my daughter. She didn't come home last night and her mother's frantic. She's called round hospitals, her friends and stuff. No joy. But she's still not answering anyone's calls or messages, and I've left umpteen voicemails. I'm not too sure what going on, but Beverly thinks she's not contacting me to worry her more.'

     'Ah, that's not so good,' he replied, but wondered why Neil couldn't have just told him this to begin with. 'Has Beverly mentioned a falling out or anything?' 

     'I picked up a hint that something may be up a few days ago but Saskia wasn't up for talking about it.' 

    Brian pouted and nodded, relating to parental struggles empirically. He first felt he'd lost his daughter when she started to wear black lipstick and clothes in adulation of some college band named Servile Sanction. He lost her completely a few months later when she moved in with the drummer - giving up her studies for a menial job to spend more time with him. So he could understand why Neil may be pent up over a runaway, but she was a grown woman, not a teenager. What was more puzzling was the extent to which  Neil had drunk so far (he could tell by the eyes it was a lot) and disinclination to say more; their affiliation was usually gustier than that. 

    'I'll drive you around if you want to want to search anywhere?' he offered.

     'Good of you, but I honestly wouldn't know where to start.' 

     'Well, it sounds like it's been a row between mother and daughter. It's a nightmare when they rebel. Our Danielle used to take sod-you hissy-fits before pissing off.  They make their way home soon enough. To be honest I'm more concerned with what you're not telling me. I know you, mate.'

   'You really don't,' Neil said, sliding off the desk edge to refill his glass. Words formed in his mind, reluctant to leave the tongue yet. He'd either have to go for it, or never do. With his back still to Brian, he took one pot-valiant glug; those hesitant words no longer held hostage...

     'I reckon it's been found out that we're sleeping together.'

     Down went the rest of the whisky in glug number two. There. They were out.

     'What?' Brian's eyes bulged at the news, taken aback. 'No wonder she's taken off then, she's probably pissed at you both if she didn't see that one coming. I'm surprised she's even up for sex! Doesn't the chemo and whatnot leave her too tired?'

    Neil's allusive way of bringing his secret into the open left Brian surmising that he's sleeping with Beverly under some sort of ex-reunion. 

   'I wouldn't know,' he quietly stated, trying to picture the confusion on Brian's face. How long would it take for the coin to drop?

    He soon disentangled the facts and stared in mute horror, before approaching him slowly. Neil's wandering gaze didn't know where to settle once he stood by him. 'Tell me you're not serious, man.'

   This time Neil looked at him; the raised eyebrows, the inward curl of the lips and the slight tilt of the head  - all confirming he was indeed sleeping with his daughter.

     At  a loss for words while processing the enormity of such a revelation, Brian stood stunned; a man of faith and patience, the reality of what had just occurred was almost beyond his belief.  All Neil's previous post-Magrette escapades: the clubs: the bragging of detailed sexual antics with classy escorts: the selfish slinging of emotions on young women: the drugs and threats of violence from husbands (all which, granted, he curbed years ago) had been unsavoury enough; this was mind-blowingly, jaw-droppingly, downright obscene. A grave quietness filled the office for what felt like forever, Neil dreaded his friend's next words, as he gave him a sideways stare, a damning pallor  took over his complexion. 

Brian hit himself with a huge glass of JD, draining the decanter empty.  'I've got this right now, haven't I, you mean Saskia?' he asked, in case this was some nightmare he was in, and had not just been told that his best friend was sexually involved with his own daughter.

   He nodded in assent.

   'For fuck's sake, Neil.' There it was, the rarity-swear from the most reasonable man he knew. 'I don't know what to think, let alone say!'

    'I don't expect anyone would.' 

     Pacing off, Brian was reluctant to even look at him now. He'd been supportive to Neil over the years,  opening that offer, where he could, to others; the go-to man for advice and remittal. It was a bit of a burden being religious, but no amount of hail Mary's would sort this one out. He reckoned even God would struggle with this dilemma. 

   'Brian, it's not something we asked for.'

    Watching his friend strutting about in a confused silence, Neil felt like shit. Putting himself in his friend's place, he most likely would have kicked him in the nuts by now to bring him to his senses. After two large gulps from the glass, Brian turned and let loose. 

     'I'm appalled Neil, utterly appalled.  You know what it's called, don't you?' The word stuck like a stone lodged in his throat. Respectable people have difficulty in even saying the word incest.

     Neil gave a nod and a semi-shameful smile. 'In too deep before we knew it.'

     'Too deep before we knew it,' he mimicked. 'It should never have gotten anywhere near that!'

     'It's not about allowing things reaching a certain point when it's near- impossible to fight, it was never going to be that simple.'

    'I don't think a judge would see it like that... '

    'Fuck's sake, Brian, would you really take this that far?'

    'Wouldn't like to have to but I'm struggling here... '

     Letting Brian wander about to quietly apperceive, Neil wondered which of his thoughts would crystallize into his next words, for he knew there was a choice looming; to side with the law and daub his oldest friend and his daughter in, or disown him altogether but keep shtum.  But it wasn't going to be easy, not for himself nor for his friend, to decide what the outcome of this conversation would hold.                'Any more of this stuff?' He held up his empty glass in front of Neil, who retrieved another bottle from a filing cabinet, refilling their glasses. It looked like he was, at least, sticking around for now. 'No gory details please, but how on earth did this come about, present itself?'

   'Well,' he sighed, gearing himself up for one hell of an explanation. 'Out of the blue at the at work's Christmas do...'

   Brian gave an incredulous sigh and rolled his eyes. 'Isn't it bloody always... '

   Ignoring the nippy comment, he continued. ' At the end of the night she told me how she felt and it totally threw me. The more we talked, the more we... well, let's just say the gory details followed.  I mentally fought it, fought it like fuck, but the urge got too strong.'

     'Or you were too weak?' Brian scratched his head, shaking it at the same time. This sounded very much like the Neil of old; the former one always had a twitch in his pants at a pretty face. Surely it had nothing to do with that? 'Your kid is an astoundingly eye-catching young woman, but I thought you gave up all that malarkey yonks ago - learned your lesson?' Brian knew that was an unfair comment to make, as he surely wouldn't have only seen his own daughter as a wretched old man's conquest, plus he knew Neil was reluctant to see her at all at the beginning.

     'Mate, it was never anything of that nature, more to do with need. Hers, mainly.'

     'I can't understand needing a father to that extent.'

     Neil sighed mightily and went for another peroxide-head check out the window, sitting back down at his desk with no flash of blonde about.

     'It's not all about sex. It's about something you don't feel or understand at first until it  hits you - she just got brave enough to be honest about it.' It was hard sharing what was inside his head, the vividness of his luscious sin. 'She fell in love just as people do and you can't legislate for loving someone, you've no choice in the matter.'

   Brian followed Neil's action and sat himself down at Jacqueline's desk. 'Fuck, Neil, do you really believe that shit?' he asked without rancour, but Neil took it rather testily.

     'Who are we hurting? Go on, answer me that! If two people are consenting and nobody is in danger, why should they worry if it's right or wrong for anyone but them?' 

    Was it too hard to understand that they cherished what private life was theirs? Outside they were still them, only a more sanitized version. 

     'What you're basically saying is that it's nobody else's business?'

     'Well, we weren't planning on announcing it.'

Standing abruptly, Brian - a stout man, whose large square glasses were misting up - had to remove his jacket as notch three of the desk fan wasn't dealing with the temperature as good now the air conditioning timer had stopped.  As he offloaded some more, Neil could intuitively tell that his friend still wasn't digesting matters well, so he hoped by Brian allowing the Jack Daniels to find it's way into his glass for a third over-filled time may help; although there was still that module of fear in his throat no matter how much the spirit washed over it. 

     'I'm doing my damnedest to process all of this, Neil.  I mean some would probably say fair play to you for banging a cracking looking bird half your age, but it's so unsettling knowing that she's your...  your child.' 

   'That's just it though... she was never my child, I never knew any child.' He remembered Saskia's prior rationale on the matter with her. 'We met as adults, and not responsible for all those lost years, and I guess that's how the complexities kick in.  Us having met was overwhelming and drew out all these other reactions and were swept along with the rush.  I mean it's not like this was something we thought we'd look into, she's not been in my bed from day one, it took time to manifest.  Sure, it would have been far better to have known her as a baby, but when we met she was a bit too big to bounce on my knee.'

     'But not off your hips though, eh?' 

     Neil scoffed at Brian's continued contempt, sucking-in his lips with slow acknowledgement nods which usually translated as good one, mate  or I deserved that.  If anyone was to say as he saw fit, this theistic man was, never holding back in the slightest in letting you know exactly what you needed to hear; all those years of Sunday Sermons, no doubt. 

   'You're making it sound vulgar, Brian, and it's not.'

    And just in case he wasn't getting it, Brian upped his tone.  'You're dipping  your dick in your daughter, Neil, how else would others see it? People can't reason, lawfully or morally, outwith the bounds of decency.'

     'Decency?' Neil scoffed. 'Fuck, I can remember not so long ago every cunt here was patting John Gregson on the back when he bragged about screwing his step-daughter.'

     'Who?' Brian asked muzzily, until the incident became fresh in his mind again. 'Oh, her that went on to star in those pop-up adverts online... I don't think that constitutes much of a similarity, I mean it's down to actual flesh and blood in your case.'

 'Jesus... state the ruddy obvious... '  Neil muttered under his breath. In-depth understanding wasn't on the cards here, and he was getting weary from the backlash - but he appreciated he was lingering on with him nonetheless; with their long friendship to consider it earned him, at least, some tolerance; he could be on the floor nursing a bloody nose, or on his way to a cop shop.

    'Look, I see supposable fathers and daughters every bloody where, acting with as much social decorum as us, and that does intensify that what we're doing is wrong... ' he admitted, but I don't look at the bloke and think, och, you don't know what you're missing , mate... I can be swallowed up by iniquity at times, I'm not totally carefree.'

   'Yet your illegal indulgence carries on... '

   'Yup - the second I see her again. It's too complex for anyone to understand how she needs me... '

 Thrusting himself free from the desk, the room felt air-stifled, extra intense. Neil removed his jacket and threw it haughtily over the opposing chair, striding across to the window again.  Brian noticed the huge damp patches from his armpits, something he never thought he'd witness ever; that Neil sweated at all was scarcely credible. Fuck, he must be really frazzled. '...and near impossible to understand that this doesn't feel perverted.'

    'And it's as simple as that... ' Brian concluded on Neil's behalf as he watched him glower into his glass of amber; the drink stare.  If only the melioration to all this mess floated about with the soda. The grip this girl had on him must be ferocious; this was some fucked up fait-accompli.  

   He didn't quite know where to go from here. In years gone by he'd been the only one brave enough to challenge Neil, often enjoying rubbing his nose in his wrongdoings. But he felt the initial disgust and anger ebbing as concern started to squeeze a way through. What the fuck has his friend done? He felt a direct plea might be his only hope, which he made as Neil continued his window-stare.

     'Please do the right thing and end this.'

     'How? By never seeing her again?'

     'May be for the best.'

     'What?' Neil answered jarringly, turning from the window to face him. 'I'm standing here worried to fuck, aching for her safe return, and you want me to tell her to fuck off before she's even back?

    'It's not what I meant.' Brian sighed. It was an inopportune moment for the plea; Neil was too hot and emotionally fraught.

   'Too late for that anyhow, it would be disastrous, hurt even more.'

   It was already fucking disastrous. It was distressing to see the twisted torture going on in that twisted mind under those twisted grey waves. Concluding that there would be no cogency in painting him a sick bastard anymore, and despite the situation, he thought it best to go easier on him, feeling the need to at least highlight some basic acumens;

   'You don't think she'd ever blab, do you - get drunk and spill the beans or something?'

   'She's 27, not some hormonal teenager. Mind you,' he raised a little smirk, 'she's about as exhausting as one at times. She's adult enough to keep shtum.'

     'Adult enough, but just done a runner.' Brian reminded him, 'I'm not being— '

     Neil sighed heavily. 'I know it appears that way, and of course there's worry as to where the fuck she is, but Beverly does think she's not contacting me, to worry her  more, I just need to  fathom out why.' 

      A horrifying possible cause tore itself through Brian's mind. 'She couldn't be pregnant could she?'              Neil was surprised he hadn't mentioned that before now.  'No, that's well taken care of.' 

     'Fuck, that would be horrendous.' Jail for you, and a kid in care... he refrained from sarkily adding.
     'Really, it's fine.' Neil replied assuredly, and Brian sorely hoped that that was true. Every birthday Neil's father would joke that he was getting him a vasectomy for it. Fingers crossed he'd taken him up that offer. 

     'So... what happens if her mother does know?' Brian asked the superseding question in all this fatuity. 

     Neil remained silent for a moment.  'That's what puzzling me. If she has blabbed to her mum...' he shrugged, palms upturned, 'why isn't she ripping me to bits over the phone, and why would Saskia not warn me?'

    'True.' Brian's insides were starting to twist again, anger bubbling back with all this shit his friend had bestowed on himself. But he'd promised himself to keep as calm as he could; a swear would need to suffice. 'This is some bastard of a mess, Neil. You gotta be scared as fuck... '

      'Something's up, that I'm sure of. It's the not knowing what that's worse. I need Saskia here to find out what, but I need her to be okay more than anything.'

     'She wouldn't do anything stupid, would she?'

    'Beverly doubted that too. But the more time passes, the more I'm inclined  to start considering that.' 

     They stood side by side, staring at nothing and everything out the window.  

                    end of ***SECRET*** (pt 1)