Positivity (ch26)

           start of  ***POSITIVITY***

👴Something was on his mind again. She sensed it shortly after the day had begun as they were planting seasonal flowers into pots on the balcony. Their time spent together was on the increase now her woodwork course had finished, and he had cut his work into a three-day week.  Not that she needed that extra time to get to know him better, she was pretty much an expert of his soul now.  Yet, she had seen him urgently scraping dirt out from under his fingernails with a file and hurrying it back into his pocket. That obsession had lessened and disappeared over the months, and it bothered her to see its return. The indication that all wasn't well was slowly turning into concern, but she wouldn't push it - them 'ickle flowers needed her meantime. 

                                              *                                    *                               * 

Snuggling against him - wrapped in post-sexual unity - Saskia always enjoyed the repose afterwards as Neil usually delivered some drollery as to how breathless he could be after their energetic stints. But instead he lay holding her in silence; very unlike him. She moved down a bit, taking her head from his shoulder to rest on his chest, and pressed down firm. 

   'What are you doing, Saskia?'  

  She attempted to start the light-hearted stuff off by mentioning the pace of his heart. 'God, that's galloping!' she said, using her ear as a stethoscope. 'We must have gave it some oomph.'

    He gave no riposte, and took a bit longer to reply. 'In a guy my age, I guess it's a blessing that it's still beating afterwards,' he said, well bereft of the teasing tone she expected. 

    'What? Bit of an odd thing for you to say.'

    'Is it?'

    'Of course it is. You know I'm just teasing, don't you?'

    'I know.'

   She suddenly froze. 'There isn't anything I should know about, is there?' she asked, not brave enough to look at him for his answer.

    'No. Why?' 

    'Because you sound as if you're writing yourself off here.' she said with a nervous laugh. 'Are you sure you're okay?'

    'Aye... aye, I'm okay, sweetheart, a little out of sorts, perhaps.'

    'What like, feeling under par or something... and that's not a golfing joke, I'm serious!'

    'Ill? No, not that. I just feel I'm, well, not much cop at times.'

    The comfort-fingertip she was tracing round the very few hairs between his nipples and up and around his thorax halted its course. 'Sorry, I'm lost. I don't know what you mean.'

    'I wasn't very...' he sighed, a bit fazed at how to express himself properly.  'You would let me know if you weren't happy with... anything, wouldn't you?'

    She upped herself on an elbow to look at him. 'What in God's name would I be unhappy about?' 

    He fell quiet for a bit again.

    'Just tell me... '

    'Saskia, you're thirty years younger than me, and I'm not quite as red-blooded as I once was.' 

    'And?' she demurred, with the slightest fear he may be trying to call it quits; some conscience or other finally getting to him. 'What do you mean, that I'm not satisfied... or think you're past it... or what?'

    He didn't address the question but came out with; 'You're so beautiful.'

  Now it was her own heartbeat's turn to wallop. Dreading his next words would start with a but, she gave them no chance to formulate. Sitting fully upright, arms hugging knees, she made her demand: 'Right, Raptor - spill! You've been unusually quiet and distant today - what's on your mind?'

    Sighing, he sat upright. 'I've had quite a rough night, struggled to get to sleep. Got a late call saying a friend I often played golf with was rushed to hospital. He died early this morning.'

    The words, thank fuck formed ashamedly in her head, putting any menacing fear she had to instant rest. 'Aw, Dad. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say?'

    'Och, you never knew the man, Saskia. I've been trying not to let it spoil our day, but it was a bit of a shock.'

    'What happened?' she asked tentatively.

    'Heart attack. Hit the deck like a ton of bricks. Fifty-five.'

    'Bloody hell,' she said - rather unhelpfully.

    Attending funerals was something that increased with age, but losing this friend gave him sudden grounds to question his own longevity, how his own demise would come about. Choosing the right roads into old age is important, has a bigger bearing than simply what the milometer reads. Neil knew all this, and took rather good care of himself.  Dodging death long enough to get really wrinkly is fuelled on a made it to another day celebration for simply waking up of a morning. So while thoughts of his time coming to an end weren't quite giving him the screaming abdabs, he now had Saskia and their obfuscated tangle to consider in these latter years.

    'I'd dread to think where it would leave you now if the same happened to me, ' he openly admitted, imagining the fear Beverly must have felt at the worst point of her illness.

    His words splintered inside her at the thought. 'Oh, Dad...' she said in a strangled whisper, 'please don't think like that, we've all the time in the world yet.'

    'Have we?' 

    It was harder for someone of advanced years to really feel the same - especially with friends or family dropping like flies. To the young, a man in his late fifties was ancient anyway. While they had their whole lives ahead of them, he had retirement looming.

    'Look,' she sighed, 'you know mum's doing really well now, she's expecting the all clear soon. And we both are always using the gym and the pool here - you're as fit as a fiddle, got first-class medical care, so as long as the pair of you don't peg it on the same day, I'll still have the ruddy other!' She gave him a shoulder bump. 'Okay?'

    'Sure', he gave her a wistful smile.

   'I know your friend's death must be playing on your mind, but it's the other stuff that's a puzzler. Where's all this insecure bollocks coming from?' 

   Part embarrassed, he flung his head back onto the pillow and rubbed his hands over his face. 'I do feel my age with you sometimes, Saskia, plus I kind of pushed you into it there, came onto you.'

   Throwing herself back on the pillow Saskia roared to the ceiling, fingers grasping her hair frustration. Then with a laugh, she rolled on top of him, hands clasped over his chest, chin resting on them. Neil could feel his penis press against her belly. Ten, maybe even just five years ago, he'd be ready for another session this soon. While he probably had had his weekly fill, he worried she may not have.

  'You really are on a roll with this age thing today, aren't you?' she looked him solidly in the eyes. 'Listen to me now, Raptor. You're gonna change as the years pass, of course you are, we all do, but that didn't stop me getting the hots for you.  And so what if you get a few more crinkles, or fingers get a little more crooked, and things head south. Regardless of that, you still feel as warm and protective and alert. It doesn't matter what the packaging's like, or how old and battered the box may be as long as the gift inside pleases you. 

    'And... ' she added - poking him in the chest to make sure he was getting this before rolling off him again to lay straight, 'as for Miss Foo-Foo down there... ' She lifted the duvet and pointed towards her crotch, '... she don't know the difference between old wood and young, but she ain't got no complaints, and she's had some wood in her short time... '

    'Aye, an Amazon Forest's worth... '  

    'Oi!,' she protested, and dug him playfully in the ribs, delighted that his sanguine side seemed to have made a return. 'Cheeky sod!... Actually, you may be right... but, you don't necessarily need skin like suede, or be ripe for the picking to make someone happy. For fuck's sake, stop giving yourself all this hairless hassle, man!'

   'You have a peerless way of putting things, lady, 'cause I've got a full head of hair,' he told her, but still got the loopy gist of what she meant, 'c'mere.' And just when he enfolded her back into his arms for some silent warmth, the garrulous one piped up again;

    'And don't be scared to come onto me, or tell me if you're not up for it. I mean, we're not by any means a typical couple, but you're still my lover and it works both ways.'

    He gave a sigh, 'I know, but I don't want you to ever feel I'm pushing it. I always wanted to take things at your own pace, at your call. That's why I prefer to— '

   'To let me initiate, spark things up, I get it.' She realised this a while ago, and hadn't fully concluded why. Maybe it was the age thing, or just his preferred thing, or maybe it helped to assuage any guilt that she shouldn't be in his bed at all.  'Please don't feel bad just because you needed me today. Adults finds solace in sex, it's what our bits are there for.'

    Neil clasped her to him even tighter. Sometimes her piffle could make ridiculous sense to him. 'I love you,' he needlessly reminded her. 

    'I love me too,' she reminded him. Snuggling even cosier onto his chest, living in this ageless moment, she listened to the contented pound from under his ribs. 'Your heart's beating away as happy as Larry - whoever that bloke is!' She gave a sharp intake of breath and suddenly sat up and looked up at him. 'Your friend wasn't called Larry, was he?' 

    Giving a short laugh, he clarified he wasn't.

    'Good.' She rested her head back down again. 'I could lie like this forever - no cock's included.'

   'Ah, that's good to know!' he said in mock agreement at her inept way of clearing up the shit in his head.

   

So Neil had had a near-tears day. The death of his friend had brought the synapses of his brain into  sentimental overdrive which his sweet, young, near-constant companion helped him through; essentially his tube of nonsensical solvent.

   What he never broached when with her, and always stopped himself from facing though, was all those tucked away fears and facts. And if any tried to surface, all he had to do was remind himself that they were made of skin, bone and feelings just as everyone else. Wasn't that what always she said? And under the guise of a safe and sane father and daughter, all they had to do was live their lives on the outside world's terms, so what did it matter if  they shared concerns and a bloodline indoors? It was strictly their business. Wasn't it?

           end of  ***POSITIVITY***

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^