Hanks - God For Beauty Pageants

On my insomnia nights, I channel hop like an eedjit.  Lately, I've been watching the beauty pageant show Toddlers and Tiaras.  Not quite up on the show I've just come to realise what it entails.  Basically, it's letting little girls (sometimes boys) learn that beauty and perfection is first and foremost in life.  Life is a competition of looks to which  you must comply. To reach such a point you must cake on make up, undergo fake tanning, hair bleaching, teeth bleaching, nail extentions and wear teeth partials if need be.  False eyelashes are mandatory.  All this is topped off with ridiculous Dynastyesque hairpieces or hot rod mega-curls!  Just the beginning.

Of course, it's really about women (usually fat)  living their lives vicariously through their child.  Numb-skull women, who you'd think must hate their daughter's, by forcing them to wear vomit-inducing sequin dresses (with a stupid looking Tudor ruff doubling as a skirt).  Later, these make-up ravaged kids are forced to perform on stage like deranged chimps, off their nut on sugar highs, terrified of putting a step out of place lest they face the wrath of mother, who couldn't give a shit what their poor snotty-nosed, crying baby is crying for as long as it doesn't make her mascara run.

It's all covered up, mind you, under the  'I'm merely supporting my child's hobby'  category and nothing to do with exploiting them for their own crass and fucking selfish purposes.   I've seen mother's cussing each other off, calling other children ugly, reducing themselves to bribery (often a puppy or kitten as the lure) as long as they score high by the judges.  Points will be taken off for  'not being sparkly enough'   'the dress being too long / short by an inch'    'not looking the judges in the eye'    'turning too quick'    'dropping the forced smile for a second as lip muscles were about to stick' .  Utter tripe like that.  The berating of their kid for such shitting meaningless bollocks borders on abuse!

My biggest objection to all this tripe is the sexualisation of the young contestants.  There have been themed pageants where even  pre-school age kids have dressed as a prostitute (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) as sex symbols Marilyn Monroe,  Beyonce,  Britney Spears and Madonna - with added cone breasts.  Scantily clad  is part of life, yes, but not for tressing and dressing up baby dolls who don't have a fucking clue who they are meant to be.  They've had a coach teach them how to gyrate and copy quite risque dance moves.  One little kiddy  was thrown onstage, with a false cigarette in her hand, doubling as Sandy from Grease and her mother's last words of encouragement before she went on stage :

                                       'Don't forget to smoke, babe!' -

                                               She was four fucking years old!!

The makers of Toddlers and Tiaras do still cater and film the negative and somewhat emotional side of things.  Each show, from the few I've watched anyway,  there is often objections to the length the mother's go to, to do them up like a dumb arsed show horse.  Some just want to go home, want it over with as they're exhausted and merely want to play with other kids around.  Some older girls are quite competitive and in fear of failing.  Some poor little gits are already beginning to shape-shift into their certifiable mothers.  My fascination lies in those children who talk to their mothers and helpers like shit.   You can't help but to see them as bastard demanding little demons from the sparkly gutter!  God, if I'd spoke to my mother like that......!  And don't even start me on the cost of the average pageant!  PUT THE MONEY AWAY FOR YOUR KID'S FUTURE EDUCATION, I shout out loud. Then again, some have the money for both.  I'd be curious to see how a pageant forced child copes with later in life school.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with girls being girls.  I love it when my daughter is up and I've some female company for a spell, where it's all make-up, perfume, shoes and stuff.  I used to love my niece's visits where she had me looking fabulous in minutes.   Sparkly purple eye shadow on one eye, green on the other,  mega-orange cheeks and bright red lippy!  Then she'd comb my hair into her own (tuggy) unique style where the comb often got lost.  Sometimes she'd brings her crowns to play princesses.  We were worm-snapping Princesses of The Back Garden but hey! - that's still a title!!   If I asked her to choose her  Outfit of Choice, her ultimate choice would be mud-covered anything with (more often without) wellies and her Grand Supreme reward would be a jar full of tadpoles.    Because she, unlike these poor little sods, had a bit more option and scope of the world.  Sure, competition is healthy but it's important to know when to draw the line.

This parody by Tom Hanks is amazingly funny and so, so politically correct!  Watch it through.  It's a winner!



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