April 19, 2013

On Top Form!

My job today was to help compile CV's. I gathered a small group of peeps to give them a rough idea of the requirements.  While looking for a template that may suit everyone, I came across this example on the computer I chose at random. Alignment and format may not be perfect but I'd have no problem calling this guy in for an interview:

Joe Somebody's Uncle
26 Random Road

Tel: 0845 678 910 1112
Mob: 07111 111 111
Email: joesumbugger@cockmail.cum

Personal Profile

I am a charismatic and right evil individual who has experience in construction, hospitality, apnea, insomnia, babysitting and retail.  I have diabolical customer service skills and enjoy sitting around twiddling my thumbs, unless a hot blonde with sweat-bead boobs needs seeing to.  I am looking to find employment which will allow me to do as little as possible and give me the opportunity to find a warm dry place to fall asleep.

Employment History

Employment History:

Smith Construction, Stirling   ↔    Jan 2008 - Feb 2008


Duties included:

• Assisting tradesmen
• Wolf Whistling
• Keeping site tidy

• Staring at brushes
• Gnawing on bricks

Fawlty Towers, Torquay,  England   ↔  July 2006 - July 2007

Kitchen Porter

Duties included:

       •  Washing dishes
 •  Keeping the kitchen clean and tidy
 •  Preparing food laced with rat poison
 •  Spitting in drunks' drinks
 •  Eating giant pepperoni pizzas for lunch.
Woolworths, Fallin, Stirling   ↔   Aug 2004 - Feb 2006                   

Sales Assistant

Duties included:

•  Serving customers at till half asleep
•  Putting stock on shelves and keeping store tidy. 
    Restraining myself from shouting " shut the f**k up! " at tantrum spoiled kids 
•  Team leader responsible for polishing the pick n mix

Education and Training

Forth Valley College, St. Nunnery Street, Stirling   ↔   Sep 2003 - May 2004      2004    

Exams taken:                    

HND – Horse Whispering

Course was based around the film of the same name starring Robert Redford and Kristen Scott Thomas. Some horses were hard of hearing and back-kicked me but I take comfort in knowing that some day Tesco's will prepare him for a barbeque.

Stirling High School,  Fallin,  ↔   Jan 1999 – Jan 2003 



•  Igloo Construction       2
•  Daisy Cultivation          1
•  Teacher Ogling            1
•  Toilet Flooding             2


Standard Grades:

•  Maths                         6
•  English                       3
•  Scab picking            3
•  French                       3
•  Geography                2
•  Cheese Making        1
•  Taxidermy                  1
•  Ancient Greek           3
•  Catapult Practice      2

Hobbies and Interests

In  my spare time I enjoy playing football, socialising with my friends, bullfighting, crocheting jock-straps, seal spotting, McDonalds, paying fines and promoting the vegan lifestyle within the Forth Valley area.  Every Thursday I challenge my friends to a spot of vinegar snorting at the pub quiz night after our chips.  I like to listen to music until my ears bleed. Oh - and I once read a book .


Basil Fawlty
69 Shock Street
SL8 OWX                                                             

Kim Cashforgold
Toffee Broker
Thistle Ind Estate
Stingy Road



Pat Hatt said...

Wow if you are looking for scary with the wolf whistling guy, got it down haha

Helen said...

OMG, OMG ... I cannot stop laughing.

richard said...

Hey, I know that guy. Ran away with my wife!

Rick Watson said...

Did you hire him? :)

Kathe W. said...

too damn funny- and so did he get the job? hahah

Rob From Amersfoort said...

I didn't know David Cameron was looking for a job. But I would immediately hire somebody who has worked at Fawlty Towers (whether it's Polly, Manual, or Basil himself).