April 19, 2013

On Top Form!

My job today was to help compile CV's. I gathered a small group of peeps to give them a rough idea of the requirements.  While looking for a template that may suit everyone, I came across this example on the computer I chose at random. Alignment and format may not be perfect but I'd have no problem calling this guy in for an interview:


Joe Somebody's Uncle
26 Random Road
Stirling
FUKU M8

Tel: 0845 678 910 1112
Mob: 07111 111 111
Email: joesumbugger@cockmail.cum

Personal Profile

I am a charismatic and right evil individual who has experience in construction, hospitality, apnea, insomnia, babysitting and retail.  I have diabolical customer service skills and enjoy sitting around twiddling my thumbs, unless a hot blonde with sweat-bead boobs needs seeing to.  I am looking to find employment which will allow me to do as little as possible and give me the opportunity to find a warm dry place to fall asleep.


Employment History


Employment History:

Smith Construction, Stirling   ↔    Jan 2008 - Feb 2008

Labourer

Duties included:


• Assisting tradesmen
• Wolf Whistling
• Keeping site tidy

• Staring at brushes
 
• Gnawing on bricks


Fawlty Towers, Torquay,  England   ↔  July 2006 - July 2007

Kitchen Porter

Duties included:

       •  Washing dishes
 •  Keeping the kitchen clean and tidy
 •  Preparing food laced with rat poison
 •  Spitting in drunks' drinks
 •  Eating giant pepperoni pizzas for lunch.
 
Woolworths, Fallin, Stirling   ↔   Aug 2004 - Feb 2006                   

Sales Assistant

Duties included:

•  Serving customers at till half asleep
•  Putting stock on shelves and keeping store tidy. 
    Restraining myself from shouting " shut the f**k up! " at tantrum spoiled kids 
•  Team leader responsible for polishing the pick n mix



Education and Training


Forth Valley College, St. Nunnery Street, Stirling   ↔   Sep 2003 - May 2004      2004    

Exams taken:                    

HND – Horse Whispering

Course was based around the film of the same name starring Robert Redford and Kristen Scott Thomas. Some horses were hard of hearing and back-kicked me but I take comfort in knowing that some day Tesco's will prepare him for a barbeque.

Stirling High School,  Fallin,  ↔   Jan 1999 – Jan 2003 

              

Intermediate   



•  Igloo Construction       2
•  Daisy Cultivation          1
•  Teacher Ogling            1
•  Toilet Flooding             2

 

Standard Grades:

•  Maths                         6
•  English                       3
•  Scab picking            3
•  French                       3
•  Geography                2
•  Cheese Making        1
•  Taxidermy                  1
•  Ancient Greek           3
•  Catapult Practice      2

Hobbies and Interests

In  my spare time I enjoy playing football, socialising with my friends, bullfighting, crocheting jock-straps, seal spotting, McDonalds, paying fines and promoting the vegan lifestyle within the Forth Valley area.  Every Thursday I challenge my friends to a spot of vinegar snorting at the pub quiz night after our chips.  I like to listen to music until my ears bleed. Oh - and I once read a book .

References 

Basil Fawlty
69 Shock Street
Basildon
SL8 OWX                                                             


Kim Cashforgold
Toffee Broker
Thistle Ind Estate
Stingy Road
Stirling
XOX  OXO


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6 comments:

Pat Hatt said...

Wow if you are looking for scary with the wolf whistling guy, got it down haha

Helen said...

OMG, OMG ... I cannot stop laughing.

richard said...

Hey, I know that guy. Ran away with my wife!

Rick Watson said...

Did you hire him? :)

Kathe W. said...

too damn funny- and so did he get the job? hahah

Rob From Amersfoort said...

I didn't know David Cameron was looking for a job. But I would immediately hire somebody who has worked at Fawlty Towers (whether it's Polly, Manual, or Basil himself).