I haven't got dressed today. It's been kinda weird. It's not because I'm depressed about anything in particular - well, probably these pyjamas, but they're replaceable. Time isn't.
This morning my oldest son went back to college for his 3rd year. It was just an enrollment day and a meeting with his lecturers and teachers for his timetable and so forth, so he was back by 11am. He saw I was teary eyed as I asked him how he got on. I was shown his new timetable and he said he'd had a word with 'Big John' - who's only 5 foot 2, and his lecturer from last year - and he said his recommendation for appliance to university this November was himself and his band-mate, Scott (wee Mick).
They both have passed the requirements that will lead them on to sitting their Masters degree in music and sound recording at Edinburgh uni - and that's when my stomach lurched. Not for a sodding year yet and already I'm wondering what's gonna fill the gap. For the first year there they get Halls Of Residence accommodation and then have to find lodgings but there's usually enough mates to share scruffy pads with and share the rent ect. He has said he will come home at week ends but I'm not so sure.
Who will I nag then for leaving his phone charger plugged in? Who will give me bags under the eyes when his besotted girlfriend comes to the door at 3 in the morning coz she's missing him? Who's ears can I inspect after each bath or shower he takes to make sure he's stuck his fingers in the lugholes enough for a good clean out? The list could go on. I know it's a year away, but it'll whizz by. I knew he was sensing all this, I didn't have to say a word. They know. Told me that there is lots of courses at college for people of any age. Even older than me! One has a walking stick! Bless him.
Before we knew it we were bonding. Just him and me. Something we don't do that often. But we sat and watched the Xmas special DVD's of The Office. It made us laugh together and he knew as much as me that the ending would bring a lump to both our throats and we would struggle to see who kept their cheeks dry the longest. I won. I had to.
Bravery is something I'm rather short on. But when it comes to parenting you need it. It's vital. It's just that there are no scissors sharp enough to fully cut away that cord. And I know that I'll have to get used to not being able to wind it in when I feel like it.