start of DOOM OR DESTINY
💣The moment she was let through the door she gripped him with a hurting force, repeating through erratic breathing and stutters how terrified she'd been, and he clearly saw that in her raw, screaming eyes. Incoherent and babbling, he guided her to the sofa and sat her down, poured her a brandy (unlikely to serve any medicinal benefit whatsoever, but worth a calming shot) which she promptly laid on the coffee table in front of her; right now all she was desperate for was to be believed, and it was coming out in a fluster.
'I didn't say anything to anyone, Dad, I swear - not a soul, I'm careful, so bloody careful! Christ, how has this even happened?'
Neil promptly handed her back the glass, encouraging her to drink it. 'Slow down, Saskia, just slow down... '
'I was just ready to come here when they came to the door. I was terrified.'
'How long has it been since they left?'
'Uh... probably over an hour ago, maybe longer, but, oh my God, it felt like they were there forever, it was just so, so... fuck... ' Her words trailed off, the volume of them softening as she gazed straight at the wall in thwarted contemplation.
While still holding the glass, she was pulling at a hair band around her wrist, snapping the elastic again and again against her skin, making circular ripples in the brandy. He wished she would just gulp it down and listen to him. Then she, with slow shakes of the head and interspersed sighs, she started to babble softly to herself again. 'I swear I haven't fucked up. No, no... I didn't, I know I didn't.' Ruminating thoughts kept her a prisoner of panic; the last thing she needed was to convince herself she must have. But when? How?
'Didn't what?' Neil asked. No answer. A deep fissure had opened in his mind, and he struggled not to let doubts and accusations ooze in. Surely she hadn't slipped up, caught out by mistake? Her silence, like his, was something paramount to their affiliation and he'd innately trusted her on this one. 'Saskia?'
Looking up at him she looked lost and infantile. Sitting down by her, he swept an arm around her shoulder, feeling her entire body stiffen. Gently, he kissed her head. 'Just tell me what happened.'
Now the brandy went down in one, fueling up on courage to help kick-start her own galling experience.
Her version sounded as painful as his own; similar grilling, similar indirect questions. But she had had her mother in the mix to cope with as well whom, so far, she hadn't mentioned.
'I take it Beverly was at home too?'
'Yeah, she was.'
'Don't know what I'd have done without her to be honest.'
'What?' he said, not expecting to hear that. 'How?'
Saskia drew in a breath and quickly exhaled it through her nose, recalling the scene. 'Strangely supportive. It got to a stage where she more or less shouted the police out the door they had pissed her off that much.'
'Really?' Neil asked, taken aback at this, he assumed any involvement from her would be far from positive under the circumstances.
'Oh, they were clever bastards though, spoke to me privately to start with. I was petrified, knew what was coming, denying everything. I don't know if mum had been listening at the door or not, but next thing we knew she barged into the room, demanding to know what was going on, so I had to tell her what we'd been accused of. I had no choice, it would have looked too dodgy if I hadn't, like I really had something to hide.' So far she seemed to have used her spurious stratagem wisely, but he still felt highly suspicious of Beverly.
'How did she react?'
'Really quiet at first, her stare went from me to the police and a few moments later she asked me if it was true. Of course, I denied it and she accepted it, come over to me and hugged me. I cried with relief that she at least seemed to believe it.' Neil's heart beat started to rapidly increase, not feeling in the least relieved himself. 'She turned to the police women and briefly filled them in on how and why we'd just met. She assured them that you were a decent man, and whomever gave them information of that nature was a sick bastard.'
'Did they say anything about who that might have been?'
Saskia sighed and shook her head. 'Mum demanded to know, but they said it wasn't necessary and that it might just escalate to worse happenings.' Just as he had also been told. 'That was when she went radge, basically told them to fuck off... but they let slip it was a woman.'
Neil frowned at this, and sat forward to look at her. 'They told you that?'
Saskia shrugged. 'In a way. While practically pushing them out the door, Mum was throwing a loud wobbly, saying that she could kill the scum who caused this, and would 'rip the head off them if she finds out who etc, etc, and in between all her shouting I heard one tell Mum not to be ridiculous and that they would deal with her themselves if need be.'
This guilty party (if Saskia heard rightly) was a woman, the snide was female.
Both police visits hadn't really lead to anything drastic, and he knew Saskia must have struggled to hold her nerve. But if Beverly hadn't been there he feared Saskia may have crumbled. Regardless of a mother's protection, Neil knew that matters couldn't have ended that simply.
'How was your mum after the police left?' The quick aversion of her eyes and reluctance to answer right off, said enough. 'Did you tell her the truth?'
He recalled the recent instance where Saskia had disappeared for three days after falling out with her mum, where Beverly hinted that Saskia may be getting too close to her father. That concern was dead and buried, excused as a one-off bitter reaction between feuding mother and daughter; Beverly's obscure reaction this time round sounded more worrisome.
She sat forward too, clasping her hands, while hitting her thumb nails rapidly off her teeth. Then she stopped, swallowed, bowed her head. 'I don't want to ever stop seeing you... '
'I know,' he replied tenderly, 'but I need to know if you told her. Does she know?'
Saskia shook her head. 'I'm not sure, Dad... she just stormed off, saying she'd see me in the morning. I kept shouting after her it wasn't true, but she just disappeared into her room.' The corollary of the situation and her refusal to talk to Saskia pretty much spoke for itself. What she didn't tell him was, in actuality, Beverly had slapped her hard across the face, drawing her a vile grimace.
'Please say I can I stay here, tonight? I don't think I can face her right now... '
A heavy sigh came from Neil, and Saskia at first thought it was in despair of her. But he wrapped both arms round her this time and rested his chin on her head. 'Of course you can... we'll face her together tomorrow.' How they would approached that, he had no clue. Despite Beverly's health being on a welcoming upsurge, he feared she may not have the strength for such repugnance thrown upon her. But right now, in the middle of this fallacious torment, his daughter needed him more.
'It's getting late, I'll make us some of that Horlicks stuff you like.' As if a hot malty drink would live up to it's sleepy promise after you've been quizzed over incest.
As he waited for the kettle to boil, he looked over and saw that Saskia had curled herself into a ball of shear fear, while his stomach felt sickeningly gnarled and knotted. He couldn't quite believe these past few hours. Once the hot beverages were ready, he walked over to her and noticed a bright coral had stained her cheeks and chest area, tailor-made by her own brain playing on her deepest fears, all cried out.
'C'mon now.. sit up young lady.' Doing so, she carefully accepted her mug and wiggled off her sandals as he sat next to her, giving his appointed usual chair a miss.
'What are we going to do, Dad? I'll die if I lose you.'
He gently patted her thigh, trying to comfort her with a useless 'there there' gesture. 'Won't be easy, I know, but we carry on as usual. Things were fine till this point - giving up would look more of a give away.'
'I swear to God I haven't breathed a word. To anyone.'
'I know,' he said, and he believed that she hadn't let down her guard, not once. But he had with Brian - something she wasn't aware of - yet trusted him implicitly. He'd have 'fessed up anyhow if he had confided in any woman.
'We've been so careful though!' She whispered out the words while racking her brains, the whole whodunnit dominated her thoughts.
'Yeah,' Neil sighed, still in puzzle mode himself over that one. He'd even went as far as wondering if it was anything to do with the hotel staff back at Christmas, or some jealous 'I'll wait down the line then strike ' moment, from Julia. 'I know.'
'D'you think we'll ever find out who she is?'
'Probably not... but it's your mum we should be more concerned about.'
A tingle of goosebumps spread over Saskia's shoulders and tops of her arms at the at the mention of her. 'That's why I'm giving her space. I don't know what conclusion she'll come to, but I didn't want to get into any conflict with her tonight. Can't we just leave her till the morning - decide what to do then?'
It was a fair enough ask. If her head was anywhere near as muggy and mentally smarting as their own, it badly needed rest. Now, with reassurance holding no promises, an overwhelming, trite tiredness overshadowed the day's events. Sorting things out soon-as had always been his strategy; getting things out of the way his style. With this arbitrarily sprung on him, and the anonymity of the bitch meddling in his affairs, this would be some struggle to not let it eat away at him.
'I suppose,' he reluctantly agreed. But things will be a lot more gauche with her now. She'll have every reason to think that the police may be right.'
Saskia gave a exaggerated sigh. 'I don't care what she says or thinks. She rarely asks about you and when she does it's just frivolous shit I tell her, she's usually not that interested anyway... I need you right now, Dad.' Her voice sounded scratchy and he could tell by the nippiness of her tone that there should be no more mum talk.
Neil licked his lips. The salt and malt drink left an unpleasant, viscid coating and he relinquished both his and her mug to the table, sure he'd ballsed up in the making of them.
'We could just take off somewhere.' she suggested out of the blue.
A pitiful smile spread over his face. 'I have considered it, believe me. But I don't think that's wise meantime. With the police having gotten involved, running away right now would reek heavily of guilt. Besides, it would take me a few weeks to sort work and business dealings out. If that was to happen, it should have happened well before now. But... ' he threw her a 'sorry-to-mention-her-again' gesture with his hand, 'I know you'd probably wanted to make sure your mum was okay health-wise first before setting off for a new life elsewhere.'
Disappointment spread through to her very bones and she hung her head, letting her hair cover the misery in her face. But he was right. A hiding place now would only bring temporary relief. 'Look... we always knew that there was a risk and the risk's upon us now, but we keep on as we are.' Using a saying his father portrayed as wisdom, he told her, 'Sometimes you have to just brave things out, see it through till the worst blows over.'
'Huh! Will it ever?' she asked loud and narky. Patience was never her strong point, especially when tiredness was a factor.
Neil was starting to feel a bit narky at her angst too. With his own bubbling away inside he could empathise, but it was starting to weary him. 'I don't have a crystal ball, Saskia, I'm about as perplexed at this as you.' He didn't want to use the word 'scared' - it would do more harm than good right now. Under all this crazy complexity, he was still the adult of the two.
'Do you think we'll be forced apart?' The stark and utterly silent, shrieking terror that she could lose him stung strongly.
He took a little too long to answer for her liking, sending her heart into galloping mode.
'Do you?' she repeated.
His head dropped back for a long, thinking moment, before looking at her again. Offering her hands to be held in both of his, he pulled her up. 'Honey... I'm not even going to think like that. Anyone will lie for their own means to keep what's important to them safe, and if that's what it takes, that's what it takes.'
'We fight, then?'
'We fight as contrived a path as we can.'
'Can't quite believe what's happening.' she laughed nervously, sniffing back the beginnings of a runny nose.
'I know.' He felt he'd used those words a million times today. 'Look... unexpected fate brought us together and it's had to put up with us ever since. Didn't we always say what we have when doors close is ours? I'm not going to abandon you, abandon us.'
He leaned towards her and gave her a reassuring soft kiss, which didn't feel anymore wrong since their first one. 'Who's got the right to take love away?' When that intrinsic, genetic link passed the boundary of decency, he felt there was even more strength by their bloodline. Choice or law played no part.
Rising abruptly, he picked up the mugs and headed for the sink to rinse them out, wishing the vision of the police visit could swirl away down the plughole with this sickly stuff - which he tried to blame for the sudden nauseous feeling rising in his throat.
He knew fine that the police didn't believe their denials, that they were both licentious - born with a sickness of the soul which came with no cure. Any attempt to heal it would end in protest from mind and body. They were lumbered with this love, burdened by sweet disaster.
But one thing Neil was certain of. This wasn't the last they would hear from the police, not after their stylized allusion. It would gratify them no end to see a nabob like him - a big shot millionaire with his guts and his glory - come crashing pejoratively down; even better if the story made headline news.
Folding the dish towel neatly over the oven handle, he turned to see Saskia coiled back into a foetal ball. He ripped himself from his theories and went over to her.
'Are you okay?' he asked.
'Not really. I'd gotten so used to calling you... ' she closed her eyes, holding them for a few long moments, '... Dad.'
Neil didn't react to her defeatist tone. Exhaustion had ravaged the pair of them and he squatted to her level, stroking back her overlong fringe. 'We will have to brave it out, Saskia, whatever comes along, but it sounds as if the police want to put this one to bed,' he openly lied, 'and that's exactly where we should be.' He stood up, beckoned her with his fingers. 'C'mon.'
Slowly she unfurled her tense body and bones and took his hand with a sense of belonging.
Before sliding into bed, she stood staring out the window and he caught sight of that blameful body through the sheer nightdress she slowly slipped on. Usually she reveled in not having to close the curtains and still have that open privacy, but he watched with sorrow as she made sure all the drapes and blinds were fully drawn. London would not be making its way under covers with them tonight.
He lay on his side and wriggled back, shaping her against his own body, feeling for her hand to clasp and rest round his middle as usual. Planting one light kiss on the back of it, he tucked it even tighter to him; not another word muttered. He could feel a tremble come from her, ever so slightly but there.
Eyes closed, heads working overtime, heartbeats racing away in tandem, he hoped his father's usually chimerical advice would see them brave this through. But he also knew his father was the architect of his own destruction. Tonight, he'd never felt more like his father in his life.
end of DOOM OR DESTINY
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