Into The Ocean (ch19)

                    start of **INTO  THE  OCEAN**

🌊 A goner. Off the face of the hotel. Phone switched off.  

    As often as not, he found her in the last place he thought she'd be; on one of the couches by the hotel entrance. Shoes were off and resting on top of the bag by her side: hair extension tugged off and poked out from it like some bedraggled albino rat; knees bent up and tucked under the skirt of her dress and toes curled on the edge of her seat to help keep her balance. She looked a sorrowful sight.

    'There you are, ' Neil sighed loudly, feeling part allayed, part annoyed, 'I started to think you must be away to a club or something. What are you doing here?'  Stopping in front of her, he noticed she had her coat on. The fact he had sussed-out her whereabouts rankled her. 

    'I just decided I should go home tonight.' 

    The obvious flew to mind. 'Is your mum okay?' he asked, not quite expecting her reaction.

    Headbutting the arms that crossed over her knees three times, she gave a huge, dramatic sigh of her own, then looked up at him.  'Y'know what? I don't know, and I don't bloody care. Can't I just have a day when something's not about her?'

    Neil stepped to the side, spun round on his heel, pulled up the knees of his trousers and parked himself beside her; must be pent up frustration and the free bar talking.  Although he constantly reminded her that he was there to talk to about her mum, and despite him being what she considered respite from her, she didn't really make mention of what home life entailed, or what she encountered. Carers are allowed off days too, he reasoned; say things they don't mean.

    'Okay, kiddo - spill. What's up?'

    'Does there have to be anything up, can I not just want to go home?'

    'Well, yes. But to try to sneak off and not tell your father first?' he gave a slight, sarky snicker.

    'I'd have called when I got home...' she stated rather limply. Saying goodbye to him had started to make her feel hollow and distant, and tonight she refused to engage with it, and instead whisked it off to her file of avoidance.

    'Uh-huh... and what about the rest of the things in your room, like your new dresses? I mean you've just got your handbag and shoes there.' he said, pointing to them.

    'I dunno, probably just... ' she struggled for an explanation, 'come back for them in the morning.'

    'An hour's drive here and back?  Or was I to take them with me?'  He wasn't buying this; had a hunch that facts still needed unpicking. 'Saskia, what's bothering you... has someone said something?'

      'No! 'I'm okay! I just need... should... go home.'

      'Your not okay, and there's a perfectly decent bed here. Use it, it was expensive enough.' Neil couldn't comprehend this sudden change in her. Getting more frustrated at his stubborn little madam, he rose and grabbed her hand, forcing her to stand, but she jerked it roughly away. 

    'What are you doing? Dad, I've ordered a taxi, it'll be here soon!' 

    Just as determined not to be outdone, Neil approached the bellhop on door duty. Taking out his wallet, he drew out £40 and handed it to him. 'When the taxi for Reymarr arrives, give him this and apologise for any inconvenience.' 

    'Of course, sir,' the boy dutifully replied, keeping hold of the money in his gloved hand. Half of that would make its way into his own pocket once Neil and Saskia left.

    'I don't know what's got into you tonight, but you really don't want to be disturbing your mum at this hour. Grab your shoes and bag.'  This time she didn't object to being tugged along by him.

    Should have waited for the taxi outside, she told herself. What the fuck am I gonna do now?

Neil kept hold of her hand until she was in the lift, and on release she rather immaturely folded her arms in an act of defiance, hitting his elbow with the shoes she was grasping. Staring stonily at her from the vastly mirrored lift sides, her reflection was so wound up he hardly recognised it. Neil made no effort to converse, instead remaining quiet until they stepped out.

    'Come on, I'll see you to your room.'

    'No, I'll manage. Really. You just go to bed,' she told him, with what he hoped was quiet resignation.

    'Are you sure you're okay?'

    'Yes. Honestly.' She started to frantically fish around the contents of her bag, mumbling and cursing quietly, stopping and starting with shakes of the head.  

    'Why don't I come in for a coffee first, till you get settled.' 

    Was he bloody kidding?  She needed to be alone.

    'Christ, I don't need babysitting, I'll go straight to bed like a good little girl!' 

    She was starting to sound acrimonious again. It was like her moodiness was controlled by a switch you wouldn't know whether to flick up or down. Something was very much off and he couldn't quite identify what was causing this character slip. Could the melancholy simply be fuelled by booze? She didn't appear to be that drunk so that was hard to distinguish or conclude, but what else could it be? It still worried him, however, that she may try to take off again; he had no choice but to run that risk. 

    'Okay, then. I'll go. You should feel better once you sleep it off.' Uh-oh, wrong thing to say.

    'Sleep it off?' she retorted. 'Well, that should be a dawdle since I drank like fuck to get annihilated tonight without success, so I've got fuck all to sleep off!' 

    'Why would you want to get that bad?'

    With head turned and eyes cast down the long corridor, she said in quiet mumble, 'I didn't want to, I needed to.'

    'What was that?'

    'Nothing... forget it.'

    'I'm not going to forget it, you've been fine all night and some reason or other—'

    'This is something I've got to face on my own... Dad!'

    'Someone has said something to you, haven't they?' he said in a serious tone. It was personal; had to be the likeliest reason for all this mind-boggling nonsense.

    'Just leave it...please.' 

    She turned and walked towards her door, ready to activate the swipe card, but Neil drew her hand back before contact. If someone had upset his daughter he needed to know.

   'Saskia!?'

   That was it. He'd gone and pushed her to her utmost limit, and any words she was about to drop would be his own fault.  

   'Okay Dad! D'you really want to know?'

   'Yes!' he said sharply. 'Just tell me!'

   'Fine. I will. Earlier on tonight, I walked in on that red... Rottweiler woman snorting a line of coke in the toilets, and before she gave me a chance to just shrug it off, she went off like a tempest in a teapot, taking great delight in telling me that you're partial to a line yourself.  And not only that but you've slept with half the women in London, especially your new employees - including her!' Well, he wanted to know and was taken so far aback he could hardly focus.

    Curling in his bottom lip and licking it, he then let out a sigh of huge disbelief and ran a mortified hand through his mortified hair, cursing Julia under his breath. 'For fuck's sake!'  She'd been rubbing salt in the wound by every dance he gave her, and it was Saskia who'd felt its sting. The brazen bitch.

    'Why didn't you tell me before now?'

    She shrugged. 'Didn't want to spoil your night - everyone's night.' 

    He floundered in the spot where he stood, flummoxed and instantly dry-mouthed. That was the last thing he expected to hear. 

    'Jesus, kiddo, that was ten years ago. I was totally out of it, I'd just split up with Magrette and went off the rails. The cocaine was a... a barrier, blotted out the stupidity of losing her.'

    'It doesn't matter...' she whispered, but he didn't catch it.

    'I can't believe that bloody woman casting up something like that after all these years. I'm sorry, I really am - you didn't need to hear all that muck... '

    'Dad?' Saskia tried to interrupt his explanatory needs, but he continued to ramble on, ashamed and making a complete hash of reasoning until she was forced to shout:

    'No, Dad, no, you don't understand, I'm not disappointed in you, I don't give a shit about you taking cocaine!'  The yell did the trick and he'd instantly clammed up. 'I'm jealous, okay?'

    There. It was out. She said it.

    'Jealous?' His brow furrowed, struggling to fathom this one out. 'Of what...?'

     She turned and swiped-opened her door. 'Jealous of every single one of those women who'd gotten that close with you, wishing it had been me instead.'  

    Neil just stared at her, frozen to the spot. How could she tell him she couldn't help it, that any undertows of logic and reasoning had long been trampled over and she was now only reacting to what was stirring in her stomach, spinning in her head, circling round her heart. 

    Taking a step into her room, she swung round to see the confoundment on Neil's face. 

    'Bet you wished you'd bunged me in that taxi after all, huh?' 

    Gently the door was closed on him. That was that. Her to-do in the toilets with Julia - that she fought to keep in check all night  - ultimately got the better of her.

            end of **Into  The  Ocean**

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