December 18, 2012

Helena's Guide To Christmas Crackers

Since everyone is different, everyone should be given a cracker to suit. So here is a selection of fitting bangers for the selected few.

1.  The Royal Cracker:

Studded with diamonds and has an extra bright snap, these crackers include unisex cufflinks, powdered peacock vomit, anti-morning sickness tablets and solid alibi's. No hats, as the real McCoy will be expected to be worn during the meal.

 2. The Lesser Royal Cracker:

For those who consider themselves royal just because they can afford to shop at Harrods. These crackers have velvet bows and Austrian crystals but give an average crack. Inside the gifts are fairly menial, including mini Fabergé Egg, diamond key ring and jewelled corkscrew which some find offensive but the hats are two-crepe thick.


3.  The Football Fan Cracker:

Covered in team logo's, with an almighty bang, these crackers are well worth the dosh. With full lyrics to 'Who's The Bastard In The Black'  and 'Reading, Reading, We'll Kick Your Fucking Head In'  as well as street maps to every away match to help hide and get the first punch in, you'll not go wrong with these. Hats in home colours but extremely flammable.

4.  The Horror Fan Cracker:

For those celebrating Halloween all year round, this is the ideal cracker!  It doesn't bang but hiss very loudly. Gifts include fangs, capsules of real blood, cemetery earth and chocolate worms that could give you actual ones. Hats are included but unlikely to fit.....and they'll stick to that excuse. 

5.  The Vicious Dog Owner Cracker:

These come in a beautiful candy stripe to try to disguise the ferociousness of the pet they've ruined. The bang is fairly quiet to prevent the dog barking for hours on end.  Inside will be doggie drops along with inscribed tags reading: Satan, Lucifer, Ripper, Lilith, Hera, or Medusa as it's odds-on one will be called that. There will also be a mini-booklet of excuses entitled 'It Wasn't My Dog'. Hats are all pre-ripped and torn.

6.The Superstitious Cracker:

The ideal cracker for those whose lives pertain to the horoscopes of the Daily Mail, switching lights on and off 7 times every time, laying rigid every Friday 13th, and saluting to single Magpie's. There's a 50-50 chance the snapper won't bang. Gifts include sachets of salt, garlic cloves, rabbits paw and Derek Acorah badges. No hats just a peacock feather for use or not.

7.  The Whodunnit Cracker: 

Ever sat across the table with your wife picturing your hands around her throat? Then these crackers are perfect for those into murder and mystery! For the keen Ellery Queen appreciator. It gives one heck of a bang when pulled (that'll be the flash powder) but not enough to kill. However, gifts inside include sachets of thallium, antifreeze, a clue to where her precious chihuahua might be buried, cheese-string and an out-of-area microchip. Hats include a slowly restricting one that reacts when sherry is absorbed into the system.



8.  The John Lewis Cracker:

These fellows are under middle class consideration. Yes, council house owners can afford these but that's equaling the price of a bottle of gin so....but the upper-class can afford both and mostly do. My daughter actually knows the old Dragon's Den owner himself and there's a few things I could tell you about him, if I thought it wouldn't end in a law suit!! Still that little bit similar to Marks and Spencer in gifts, including nail clippers, wine stopper and mini magnifying glass (for looking at hard to read price labels). Nothing special apart from the silver Harlequin hats! 

9.  The Adult Cracker:

Will suit the sex addict . I know! Can you believe they even want to get down to it on Jesus's Birthday!  Filthy  b*ggers! There's no need for the cracker to bang as the purchaser will invariably have been banged enough (and they'll fight over who gets to stuff the turkey!). Gifts include edible knickers, cock-rings, hoopla cock-rings, whip-me-baby vouchers and directions to the area 'special' clinic! Hats trimmed with fur and suit big or teensy, little heads!

10.  The Board Game Nut Cracker:

The ideal choice for the board game enthusiast. It's likely they've no partner but that doesn't stop them from 'cracking on' with Christmas. It's wise to have a little bowl of water ready as pulling a cracker with yourself often results in burns on the chin. Gifts include chewing gum, yet another die and caffeine tablets. Hats include anagrams along the edge.

11.  The Scrooge Cracker:

For the miser in your life (in my case, my husband). There's no bang in the cracker just a hint on the box how to imitate one! Apart from one (which he'll shake like buggery first to find) there is nothing inside apart from invisible hats. There's a slight chance of a humbug which you'll eat under the furrowed brows of your own Scroogey spouse!
12.  The Music Lover Cracker:

An ideal purchase for the pop-to-classical fan. Each one pulled has been designed with a pin-activated board to ring out songs you can't bloody stand. Who cares if  'they know it's Christmas or not' or if  'fatso is stuck up the chimneyjust shake out the mini harmonica and kazoo's and have a rare old time to your own tunes. So the young 'uns haven't heard of Perry Como. Stuff them, and make your own Magic Moments once the Jack Daniels warms the cockles. Hats have mini jingle bells on - ideal for tying to the cat's tail for added amusement. 

13.  The Vintage Cracker:

Ideal for the Victorian-values mum and dad. These crackers don't bang but the snap is extra long to flick back and strike the winner on the back of the hand for winning. Insides include schedules for daily flagellation, 3 segments of satsuma, a tincture of laudanum and an actual bone from the Elephant Man. No hats are included as vanity or fun will not be tolerated.

14.  The Emo Cracker:

Only four per pack as it's doubtful the Emo has many friends. This cracker has a half-hearted bang with a viscious spark nonetheless. Gifts include Kleenex, a festive razor blade (snowflake shaped), Prozac, (just in case) black eyeliner and earplugs to block out others enjoying the festivities. Hats are double layered and can be used as a hankie / bandage in emergencies........

15.  The Patriotic Scottish Cracker:

A must have for the true Scot. These crackers bang like effing cannons! Two hands are recommended for pulling this one as it really will be a tug of war!  Gifts include miniature bottle of Grouse Whiskey, sprig of heather, and a mini booklet on surviving the winter.  If bought in the Raploch area of Scotland then they'll contain a teaspoon, tin foil, syringe and a lighter. Hats with many clan tartan's on them for Christmas night fighting.

16.   And Finally.....Lena's Recommendation: The Cheapo Cracker:

Bought in any supermarket, these value crackers are under £1 for 6. Simple snapper but these crackers give you hours of fun trying to figure out what the melted bit plastic inside actually is. Of course the only thing decipherable is the fake black 'tache that cuts off the blood supply to the nose, but every year some idiot has to try it on!  Hats you could spit through, lucky if they last half-an-hour and joke epically unfunny ..... but I wouldn't have it any other way!  Merry Christmas!



Jon said...

Absolutely hilarious! It's impossible to choose a favorite.
Christmas crackers aren't popular in the U.S. - - but if they have any here in Texas, I'm sure they'd be filled with dust and cow crap.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I never realized there were so many different kinds of crackers!!