Rainy Day Feelings (ch42)

              start of  Rainy Day Feelings

☔ On not finding Saskia in her room, Neil (straight from work and still in his suit) was told he could locate her in a certain further-off day room with vending machine and entertainment options. This catered primarily for families who bring young kids to visit, to keep the noise and meddlesome minds a good bit from the central workings of Rowan Lea. 

   Unbeknown to him, Beverly had just - a few minutes ago - paid an unscheduled visit.  Avoiding each other was still part of the deal, and this arrangement was originally meant to help split up Saskia's day, so he made the quick decision to just say a brief hello ( so it wouldn't be an entirely wasted  journey), then leave them to their lady-chats. But on approaching  the room, he could tell merely by the tone - before making out the words - that something more in-depth was being exchanged. With the window by the door open at the top, he stopped to have a little listen and maybe pick up what was going on.

   '...and that's all that's needed... '

   'I'm sorry, mum, I'm really not up to this.'

   'Have I driven all the way here for nothing, then?' Beverly said stiffly.

   'Well, no, not if you kept it to a general, how are you doing sort of visit but...' Saskia made an insulting gesture.

   'Oh, you have to be smart-arsed about it, don't you? I've said work and trying to sort this stuff out is taking up most of my days.'

  Neil couldn't believe it. She really wasn't here on a casual, caring visit at all, just one to satisfy her own means. He kept out of view with his back against the wall next to the window; this should be interesting.

   'Mum... I'm not signing those papers till I'm sure of what I'm doing.'

   'Mmm... No guessing from where that kind of thinking comes from... '

   'Can't you just be patient for a few more weeks till I'm out of here?'

   'If you're out of here!' Beverly stabbed back. That was below the belt and beltingly low, feeling a burst of anger he had to swallow. This bitch ran on cold malice instead of any form of genuine concern. As much as Neil wanted to jump in and smack her, he remained undetected, biting his bottom lip, shaking his head.   

   Saskia laughed scornfully, stabbing a finger once at her.  'There she is! Doesn't take long for the real you to shine through, does it?'  

   'All this was to be sorted out ages ago.'

   'Well, excuse me for crippling myself instead.' 

   'We should be in Spain right now... '

   'No mum... I probably might still be in America with Brendan right now.' 

   Beverly leaned back in her chair, chin up and sighed to the ceiling. 'Not this again. You were only nineteen, far too young to venture that far on your own.'

   'But I wasn't on my own, was I?  His family was moving there too, even had a job lined up for me.' 

   'Your Grampa had just put up the money for our half of the cafe?  We were starting our own business here, never mind you moving half a world away. 

   Saskia swallowed, reflecting for a few moments on those formative years. 'He loved me, and it broke his heart. And they weren't strangers, I'd been with Brendan since we were fifteen.'

     On occasion Saskia would cast up Brendan to Beverly, but she always shouted her down, pressing the guilt button on misplaced loyalty; so Saskia basically gave up a chance of a spectacular future - with marriage even - to please her mother. There was no doubt that Saskia adored her grandfather, knowing he would most likely have supported her had she moved to America, but she didn't want to cause any upset.  All she could do was pick up her life and move on and do her best with what she had.

   This information intrigued Neil all the more. Saskia had spoken of Brendan before during the curiosity side of getting to know one another, but she never spoke of plans for America. So they had both, in different ways, lost previous love through work.

   'You know our life would have been far easier if Neil fucking Balfour and his father hadn't ripped your Grampa off, and robbed us of what was rightly ours.'  

   Neil felt like interjecting on hearing his name, and tensed at the silence surrounding it until Saskia spoke again.

   'You know, Mum... I can't believe all this stemmed from seeing Neil in that newspaper in Grampa's room!'

   'He died shortly after that.'

   'Yes, from a second stroke - not the last bloody page of some gazette!'

   Neil's heart beat picked up to a strong steady pace in his chest; he was never going to be forgiven for his parvenu father.

   Angrily, Beverly banged her fist off the table. 'It broke his heart telling me that there was no money to give and all we had was the house to our name!'

   Salt from the beads of sweat forming on his top lip started to taste stronger, the strain to hold his silence getting trickier.  As much as he was tempted to walk in on them, he decided to keep his ears surreptitiously peeled for just that bit longer.

   Saskia reached for the drink sitting on the table parting them, taking a long swig, and wiping her lips on her sleeve. 'Yeah, and then what happens? In walks Neil Balfour - a name I hadn't even heard of until the crazy scheme you concocted. And look where it's gotten us, Mum... me in a wheelchair and him having been put through hell and still doing his best to help.'  It was true whether Beverly liked it or not; he'd become the anchor in the personal storm she'd created for her daughter.

    'He can afford it,' she shrugged, smirking nonchalantly. 'He insisted anyway.' 

    'My God,' Saskia could hardly believe what she was hearing. 'It's not just about the cost, mum, it's  about the support, too. He manages a visit every day, not just a call in the morning, and besides, I would be festering at home with you right now, my chances of getting better quicker remote - can't you even thank him for sparing me that?'

    'Just in case you're forgetting, I've got a café to to run until I can flog it for a decent price. I can't just up and visit every two minutes. I'm two pair of hands down at the moment and your replacement is a sodding joke, he's got a whole office-full to help him out, and if he wants to play Mr. Concerned that's his choice. And if you hadn't sneaked off to meet him that night you wouldn't even be here!'

   Saskia went quiet for a moment before speaking. 'What I did to him was despicable, maybe I deserve this... '

   'Oh, for God's sake! He was happy enough to be shagging his daughter, that wasn't part of the deal and nothing to do with me. But if it pleased you to lower yourself like that, why didn't you just fuck him from the start? Would have made things a lot easier, I could've used blackmail to take his money and run, instead of you getting idiotically giddy over an old streak of piss...'

    Neil's hands scrunched tighter, nails cutting into his palm as the thuds quickened wildly in his chest. Just how far would she go?

   'You nasty bitch, you know fuck all about him - he could have had us in a prison cell right now.'

   'Only because you didn't do the job properly.' 

   'No... it was because I loved him, and stupidly held on to him in the only way I felt I could! But I knew after just a few days that he wasn't the bastard you were portraying him as, despite convincing me he was just as bad as his father.'

   Beverly pulled a derisive face. 'Oh, don't be so naïve. Apples and trees, love, straight to the ground!'

   'How can you say that? You weren't a thing like your parents, you've hardly an ounce of compassion in you.  If only Grampa knew the half of it - and the emotional control you held me under.  At least Neil was proud of me and gave me a taste of what being an actual daughter was like..... without feeling that anything he ever gave or did for me was a debt.' 

   'Because to me you were a debt!' Beverly screamed at her. 'Your Grandfather begged me to raise you, remember, pass you off as my own, as your idiot 'auntie' didn't get an abortion quick enough... I had to take over the job your real mother didn't want! Stupid cow... ' Beverly's voice ran scratchy and raw, narrow veins swelling up at the sides of her forehead. 

   Hidden long enough, Neil's reserves of patience finally exhausted. Time to stop that caustic tongue and shield Saskia from anymore nastiness, he'd learnt a lot from it. 'That's plenty!' he said sonorously, barging into the room, both women startled at his unexpected intrusion. 'Don't you think she's been through enough?'

  'Well, well... if it isn't Daddy Bear.'  

   Saskia started to sob, relieved at his presence. She'd had this rejected-daughter recital (never once brought up in front of her Grampa) thrown in her face a million times before, yet it never ceased to pierce her heart. Dodging past Beverly to get to Saskia, he sat on his haunches by her chair. 

   'I'm here now, you'll be fine.'

   Beverly didn't know, or even care how much he'd heard. She stood abruptly, looking down on them both, their affection fuelling her contempt. 

   'Would you like me out of the way for a bit, I know just how fond of each other you always were!'  Said with a blatant dig at the incestuous road Neil thought they'd gone down, taking great joy in reminding him of that.

    Beverly could try the sex-with-your-daughter thing all she liked. He did what he did out of love, as impossible and ambiguous as that was for her (or anybody) to understand; his actions were a direct result of her own making. And in distinction to her greedy, selfish, soul-destroying mind, he felt his wrongs had been given a chance of redemption, she seemed to have totally lost the plot; he bettered after losing his bastard of a father, whereas she worsened after losing a decent one of her own.

  'You've a swinging brick instead of a heart, Beverly. I've been listening to you and you're directing all this hate at the wrong people, you really would have been better suited with my father.'

   'Yeah? Well maybe I figured out how to use the same scruples from the bastard who ripped my father off... there's bound to be bits of him in you yet, too '

   'Jesus Christ, how often are you going to keep banging on about that?'

   'As often as I like.... '

   'Will you just shut up, shut up, shut up!' Saskia bawled at her.

   Neil stood and took the handles of her chair, 'C'mon...let's get back to your room, and you... ' he stabbed a finger at Beverly, '... get out of here!'

   'No, Neil. We've listened to her warped shit for far too long, she needs to hear this....d'you want to know what's really wrong with her? She was always striving to be a daddy's girl, then seethed with jealousy when I come along and stole her thunder. Isn't that right, 'Mummy'? 

  Beverly stayed silent, staring unblinkingly at her.

 'I was far brighter than you ever were, good-natured, funnier, prettier and more academic, growing up just like my real mother.  But Grampa was gutted when his golden girl, Corrine, fucked off to Spain after Grandma died, but then it was her chance to shine, to have Daddy all to herself, and not be the second best daughter anymore. He loved her dearly, though, during the years she spent trying, but she wasn't quite the success he'd been hoping for. He'd never have bough the café for her on her own, not without me.'

   She'd been relatively smart-mouthed and cocky so far, holding her contentious nerve without physically lashing out, but that last comment seemed to do the trick. 

   'You little bitch!'

    Beverly flew for Saskia, but Neil swiftly grabbed her by the wrists, tussling then forcing her back down into her chair, and crouched to blanket Saskia as she broke into sobs, feeling bad about what was said, but felt enough was enough.   

  'Time you went, Beverly.' 

  Beverly sat until her heavy pants lessened and stood, looping her bag over her shoulder, then saying with biting sarcasm, 'Here's hoping she's able to walk again.'

  'Oh, my God,' Neil said aphoristically,  'it must take a certain self-confidence to care so little about what slides off that acid tongue of yours.'

  Dipping into her shoulder bag, Beverly said, 'I'm leaving a copy of the draughted paperwork, and I'll be back for it, signed, in a week's time.'  

   Saskia sat up and wiped her eyes, finding a calm now she was leaving. 'Okay,' she replied.

   'No!' Neil piped up, 'I'll be fucked if I'm letting that happen.' 

   'Why?' snapped Beverly. 'Are you going to buy me out or something? She wouldn't ever be going back to work there... and it wouldn't be anytime soon even if she did.'

   Neil bent over towards her and looked her dead in the eye, despite her beginning to cloud the very air he breathed. 'Tell you what then, Beverly, I'll go over it before she signs it, and you'll get it within the week. As soon as Saskia is well again - and she will be - I'll even pay you back for all the hardship you believe you're owed.'

   'What?' Beverly gave a mocking grimace. 'How do I know you mean that?'

    Neil drew his hands down his cheeks, still confounded at her gall. 'I'm doing it for her, I won't allow you to wreck her any more... there is one condition, though.'

    'Here we go...and what's that?' She crossed her arms, was all ears. 

    'You never visit here again.' He leaned over, getting right in her face -  a mere centimetre from their noses touching. 'You've had your fun, now fuck off out of here. I'll be in touch.'

   With a wry twist to her lips and a glance at the girl she raised, she considered it a done deal. 'Fine,' she said agreeably and stood, squeezing her way round the table to head for the door, 'then off I fuck. I'll still be posting the papers for you to sign here, though. And the sale of the house is going ahead, with or without you. I'll be moving soon as I can. Bye, Saskia... ' 

   'Mum?' Saskia said loudly, stopping her in her tracks, though she kept facing the door. 'Even if I don't walk again, I'd rather be a humane human facing heartache and pain, than a self-centered, unfeeling bitch... And that was also the last time I'll ever refer to you as a my mother.'

   Where did that come from? Neil felt proud at her punchy and impressive good-riddance comment.

   Beverly ignored her, and continued out the door. 'My number's still the same, Neil,' she called over her shoulder, satisfied that she at least had a part-result.  Right now she was happy with the fact that he seemed willing to expedite her desire to bugger off to Spain.  And with that, she made a heel-clicking echo back up the corridor.  Neither said a word to the other until the footsteps faded altogether.

   Grabbing the back of the seat that Beverly had used, he scraped it over and sat facing her, her head still bowed in gloomy dejection with misery raining down hard. 'Hey?' He upped her chin to make her look at him. 'Things will be fine, kiddo,' he said, hooking a strand of overgrown fringe behind her ear. '

   'Why did she turn out like this?'

   Neil took a measured breath. He could remember Beverly being moody when they were engaged, but nothing as off the scale as this. But somewhere along the line she'd turned into a skilled abuser and manipulator.  

   'I'm not sure,' he gave a pitying smile. 'An incomplete soul, maybe? They were seasoned liars, your mum and my dad, I guess it was probable it would eventually affect us in some way, but we've come out of it okay.'

   'How can you say that after what I helped do to you?' 

   'Look, Saskia,' he sighed, hoping she wasn't about to blubber again,  'your mum toyed with you as much as she did me, she just took it far too far. Please don't waste ant more tears on her.'

   'And I made it last far too long in my desperation to keep seeing you. Weird thing is I think she suspected us really early on, but didn't push things along any quicker, yet she was desperate to move.'

   'Maybe part of her game plan.'  

   'To see how far we would go, you mean?'

   'Who knows.' 

   Both remained silent for a reflective short while. It didn't seem to matter now what past memories the other's mind supplied. It was the future that mattered now.  Then she came out with something unexpected. 'I stood on my own this morning for twenty seconds - hands free.'  

    'Really?' A huge smile spread across his face. Now he understood her rather excited 'something to tell you' text, from earlier on. This must have been a big deal for her and he inwardly cursed that Beverly may have taken such positivity away.

   'And I made it across my room with a walker. Felt like something from a nursing home, but I was well relieved.'  

   At this unexpected news he grabbed her hands in his and kissed the backs of them.  'Oh, sweetheart, that is amazing!' He mentally punched Beverly in the face. 'Did you tell your... her, this?'

   Saskia shook her head. 'She didn't give me time to, she was more focused on a signature than an update.'

   He rubbed a finger down the side of her face, leaned forward to gently kiss her on the lips. An unheralded move which flipped her stomach. He'd just gone for hello and goodbye kisses on the cheek since her admittance here. Now the taste was back. 'Don't let that sort of thing bother you. I'll sort it out, it is my forte after all.'  

ui     'Could she really throw me out - just like that?'  

   'No,' he assured her, appalled that Beverly even threatened her in that manner,  'doesn't work like that.'  He stood up and went over to the drinks machine, filling himself a fizzy something or other. 'Anyhow, while we're kind of the subject. I've been, ah, thinking of taking in a lodger.'

   Saskia narrowed her eyes, knowing where he was going with this, but wondering if he was serious. 'You what?'

   'Well', he sighed. 'I'm kind of struggling financially at the moment and need help with rent and bills and stuff.  Know anyone who might want to move in with me? I'm a reasonable bloke to get on with.'

   Leg pulling aside, Saskia was delighted. He really was the sweetest and most absolving geezer she'd ever known. After all this. 

   'I dunno... I'll ask around for you,' she said with a nervous laugh. Wiping a runny one from her eye, (happy-wet ones allowed) she thought she wouldn't ever see that hideous spare room wallpaper - the kind you can make faces out of the pattern - again.  'You really don't have to do this, Neil.'

   'Och, you were virtually living there at one time anyhow. Been kind of quiet, but extremely tidy, without you. I was just waiting to see how you were doing first before putting it to you. I'd prefer to be around when you're out of here.'

   'When, though?  I sometimes doubt it.'

   'The thing is, ' he gave an exasperated sigh, and put down his paper cup. 'I'd have that annoying, messy, funny, gullible girl back again. I think you owe me that, young lady, don't you?' She smiled at the manner of his levity. 'It'll be hard work, but we'll get there.' 

   'What if this morning was just a fluke and my hip gives way or something? How would you cope if I don't get better?'

   'You will. It'll be hard work, but we'll get there. Whatever happens, I'll be around.  Part of me doesn't work properly if you're not there, too. It takes bravery and you got that.'

   A huge smile spread across her face. 'Living with you permanently, huh?'

  'Yup....all that moaning, snoring - that I don't believe I do - late night meals, endless coffee, big words you don't know, Scottish ones ye dinnae ken, bathroom hogging... all my charms and delights and stuff.'

  She loved the way his voice hung heavy with his accent when he sparkled with nonsense and intentional immaturity. 'I never stopped loving you, Neil.'

   'Then fight for me. Fight with all your strength and get those legs working again.'

    She saw the determination and sincerity in him. All she had to do was find the same. 

         end of  Rainy Day Feelings