December 27, 2012

Commercial Break

I'm taking a few days to sort out blogs, including layouts ect. I want to get my other blog up and running again, as it was 'back in the day'. Shouldn't take me too long but hopefully before next year! See ya's!

December 18, 2012

Helena's Guide To Christmas Crackers

Since everyone is different, everyone should be given a cracker to suit. So here is a selection of fitting bangers for the selected few.

1.  The Royal Cracker:

Studded with diamonds and has an extra bright snap, these crackers include unisex cufflinks, powdered peacock vomit, anti-morning sickness tablets and solid alibi's. No hats, as the real McCoy will be expected to be worn during the meal.

 2. The Lesser Royal Cracker:

For those who consider themselves royal just because they can afford to shop at Harrods. These crackers have velvet bows and Austrian crystals but give an average crack. Inside the gifts are fairly menial, including mini Fabergé Egg, diamond key ring and jewelled corkscrew which some find offensive but the hats are two-crepe thick.


3.  The Football Fan Cracker:

Covered in team logo's, with an almighty bang, these crackers are well worth the dosh. With full lyrics to 'Who's The Bastard In The Black'  and 'Reading, Reading, We'll Kick Your Fucking Head In'  as well as street maps to every away match to help hide and get the first punch in, you'll not go wrong with these. Hats in home colours but extremely flammable.

4.  The Horror Fan Cracker:

For those celebrating Halloween all year round, this is the ideal cracker!  It doesn't bang but hiss very loudly. Gifts include fangs, capsules of real blood, cemetery earth and chocolate worms that could give you actual ones. Hats are included but unlikely to fit.....and they'll stick to that excuse. 

5.  The Vicious Dog Owner Cracker:

These come in a beautiful candy stripe to try to disguise the ferociousness of the pet they've ruined. The bang is fairly quiet to prevent the dog barking for hours on end.  Inside will be doggie drops along with inscribed tags reading: Satan, Lucifer, Ripper, Lilith, Hera, or Medusa as it's odds-on one will be called that. There will also be a mini-booklet of excuses entitled 'It Wasn't My Dog'. Hats are all pre-ripped and torn.

6.The Superstitious Cracker:

The ideal cracker for those whose lives pertain to the horoscopes of the Daily Mail, switching lights on and off 7 times every time, laying rigid every Friday 13th, and saluting to single Magpie's. There's a 50-50 chance the snapper won't bang. Gifts include sachets of salt, garlic cloves, rabbits paw and Derek Acorah badges. No hats just a peacock feather for use or not.

7.  The Whodunnit Cracker: 

Ever sat across the table with your wife picturing your hands around her throat? Then these crackers are perfect for those into murder and mystery! For the keen Ellery Queen appreciator. It gives one heck of a bang when pulled (that'll be the flash powder) but not enough to kill. However, gifts inside include sachets of thallium, antifreeze, a clue to where her precious chihuahua might be buried, cheese-string and an out-of-area microchip. Hats include a slowly restricting one that reacts when sherry is absorbed into the system.



8.  The John Lewis Cracker:

These fellows are under middle class consideration. Yes, council house owners can afford these but that's equaling the price of a bottle of gin so....but the upper-class can afford both and mostly do. My daughter actually knows the old Dragon's Den owner himself and there's a few things I could tell you about him, if I thought it wouldn't end in a law suit!! Still that little bit similar to Marks and Spencer in gifts, including nail clippers, wine stopper and mini magnifying glass (for looking at hard to read price labels). Nothing special apart from the silver Harlequin hats! 

9.  The Adult Cracker:

Will suit the sex addict . I know! Can you believe they even want to get down to it on Jesus's Birthday!  Filthy  b*ggers! There's no need for the cracker to bang as the purchaser will invariably have been banged enough (and they'll fight over who gets to stuff the turkey!). Gifts include edible knickers, cock-rings, hoopla cock-rings, whip-me-baby vouchers and directions to the area 'special' clinic! Hats trimmed with fur and suit big or teensy, little heads!

10.  The Board Game Nut Cracker:

The ideal choice for the board game enthusiast. It's likely they've no partner but that doesn't stop them from 'cracking on' with Christmas. It's wise to have a little bowl of water ready as pulling a cracker with yourself often results in burns on the chin. Gifts include chewing gum, yet another die and caffeine tablets. Hats include anagrams along the edge.

11.  The Scrooge Cracker:

For the miser in your life (in my case, my husband). There's no bang in the cracker just a hint on the box how to imitate one! Apart from one (which he'll shake like buggery first to find) there is nothing inside apart from invisible hats. There's a slight chance of a humbug which you'll eat under the furrowed brows of your own Scroogey spouse!
12.  The Music Lover Cracker:

An ideal purchase for the pop-to-classical fan. Each one pulled has been designed with a pin-activated board to ring out songs you can't bloody stand. Who cares if  'they know it's Christmas or not' or if  'fatso is stuck up the chimneyjust shake out the mini harmonica and kazoo's and have a rare old time to your own tunes. So the young 'uns haven't heard of Perry Como. Stuff them, and make your own Magic Moments once the Jack Daniels warms the cockles. Hats have mini jingle bells on - ideal for tying to the cat's tail for added amusement. 

13.  The Vintage Cracker:

Ideal for the Victorian-values mum and dad. These crackers don't bang but the snap is extra long to flick back and strike the winner on the back of the hand for winning. Insides include schedules for daily flagellation, 3 segments of satsuma, a tincture of laudanum and an actual bone from the Elephant Man. No hats are included as vanity or fun will not be tolerated.

14.  The Emo Cracker:

Only four per pack as it's doubtful the Emo has many friends. This cracker has a half-hearted bang with a viscious spark nonetheless. Gifts include Kleenex, a festive razor blade (snowflake shaped), Prozac, (just in case) black eyeliner and earplugs to block out others enjoying the festivities. Hats are double layered and can be used as a hankie / bandage in emergencies........

15.  The Patriotic Scottish Cracker:

A must have for the true Scot. These crackers bang like effing cannons! Two hands are recommended for pulling this one as it really will be a tug of war!  Gifts include miniature bottle of Grouse Whiskey, sprig of heather, and a mini booklet on surviving the winter.  If bought in the Raploch area of Scotland then they'll contain a teaspoon, tin foil, syringe and a lighter. Hats with many clan tartan's on them for Christmas night fighting.

16.   And Finally.....Lena's Recommendation: The Cheapo Cracker:

Bought in any supermarket, these value crackers are under £1 for 6. Simple snapper but these crackers give you hours of fun trying to figure out what the melted bit plastic inside actually is. Of course the only thing decipherable is the fake black 'tache that cuts off the blood supply to the nose, but every year some idiot has to try it on!  Hats you could spit through, lucky if they last half-an-hour and joke epically unfunny ..... but I wouldn't have it any other way!  Merry Christmas!


Back On Track

Driving home, familiar lane, familiar weather, too.
Driving home for Christmas, driving back to you.

But the house looks rather vacant, no curtains up at all.
Preparing decorations, lights at windows, up the hall?

But the house is all abandoned, no furniture inside
Just a card propped up against a glass, my name on it inscribed

It read:

'I'm sorry, darling, you were working far too much,
I'm getting married to the landlord, in that distant little church.' 

So, I got back in my faithful jeep, reversed and shot away.
Back to my sprightly mistress, at last it seems she'll get her way!

December 10, 2012


The girl came from a tainted place
not sure if she'd fit in
They sneered at all her worldly signs
and where she should begin

Alien and consternated
picking up the gist 
Staring on with great abandon
slapped upon the wrist

Skies were grey and ladened with
cataclysmic ire
Foreign oxygen henceforth 
no chance to aspire

Their tongues, they may not be the same
but read upon their face
Was the wording of a thousand thoughts
to take rejection's place

The girl came from a tainted place
and knew she'd not fit in
For she breathed inside her bubble
and kept the sword within


December 07, 2012

Belief Never Dies

I've had quite an emotional week.  As we know, my son, GingerJesus, is the drummer in his band, No Need For Idols. Recently, their gigs for the remainder of the year  (which included their annual Xmas show at Cornton Vale, Scotland's only women's prison) had to be cancelled. Sadly, Callum, the band's bass guitarist, lost his father, Kenny.  He passed away suddenly at a very young 47.

Kenny was NNFI's biggest believer. His guidance and support helped build their confidence and with his wife, Trisha, worked hard at keeping that enthusiasm and fight going in the very rocky road of music.  When I think of that very first jittery gig the guys played at the community hall, to what they deliver now is incredible.

 All parents of the bands' members have shown support, but our input compared Kenny's leaves us well in the musical shade.  He sacrificed, loved and bled devotion for the band.  Hopefully, in the near future, young Callum will feel ready enough to shine once again on a place his father's pride took him. The stage.

This isn't just another entry into my Blogger's diary. Nor indeed yet another boast and plug for the Idols although I've uploaded my favourite ballad of theirs once more below *ahem* just to let anyone interested hear what he mostly worked at with them. 

   At the funeral, cards were handed out containing a poem he wrote about his kids. It was so very touching as I didn't know we both share a passion for poetry. And this Christmas will be very hard for his family. His wife, Trish, is one of the friendliest and sweetest people I've ever met. My heart goes out to her. 

But I'm sure the next time anyone who knew Kenny plays a NNFI track, and listens just that teensy bit harder, they'll pick up that little tweak to the song that ever so resembles a certain heartbeat.

December 01, 2012

Happy Birthday Adam - Hepnin'?

Belated birthday wishes to GingerJesus, who turned 19 yesterday.  Me youngest celebrating his last year as a teen. Thank goodness our ever-increasing family's oldies are mostly teenagers at heart. Just to keep up, like!

                Happy Birthday Adam......☺♥☺......XxX